Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Tricks and Treat: A Stunt Dad's Guide to Passing Out Candy

One of the often overlooked parts of Halloween is the actual tricking and treating. As a homeowner, you will probably have on average 50 to 200 little monsters ringing your bell. Do you have a game plan? Here are a couple of tips to properly trick and treat:

  • McDonald's Applications
    What better way to wake these little ghouls up to the realities of the current economy than passing out McDonald's job applications. "Trick or Treat. Give me something good to eat." I'll do one better. I will give you a place where you can get something good to eat every day during the state required lunch times... McDonalds. Give a kid a fish, he eats for a day. Give a kid a McDonald's application and he eats for a lifetime!
  • White Elephant Giveaway
    Do have some old stuff around the house that you have been meaning to get rid of? Well guess what, you are going to be having a free removal service ringing the door bell any moment now. Just think of the possibilities. That garbage bag of old clothes... I guess little Iron Man is getting a new cardigan. And Snow White is getting your collection of old Sports Illustrated VHS tapes. Harry Potter is now the new owner of two broken printers that you have been keeping around since college. It is a win win situation. The kids get a lesson on the ramifications of door-to-door begging and you get to remove some "non-essential" items from your house.
  • No Smarties!
    The Smartie is the candyworld's slow cousin. This poorly decorated sugar cube is a sad representation of you, your family, and quite frankly your manhood. Houses that give out Smarties should be made to paint a huge scarlet S on their front door so no respectable person ever associates with them.
  • Big Ideas Get Big Bars
    Don't be the neighborhood King Sized Snickers Slut that just gives out big bars to anybody that comes to the door. Make them earn the big bar. If it looks like a kid has put some effort into his or her costume, then justly reward them with 3.29oz of gooey goodness (that probably doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean). On the other hand, if some kid in a store-bought mask shows up, take this as an opportunity to teach little Johnny Half-Ass an important life lesson....effort matters.
  • A Cold One For The Old Man
    It goes without saying that trick or treating is not just for the little ones. It is also a great night for dads. What other night do you get to walk around your neighborhood dressed in a costume going door to door asking for food? (Well there was that April 16th a couple of years ago, but no charges were filed, so I don't think I need to go into that). Anyway, make sure that you reward the men that make the effort to take the little ones out by offering them a cold beverage. Keep a cooler of beer and soda by the door. When pops comes up with the kids, offer dad a beer. You will be the hit of the neighborhood and maybe, just maybe, you will find a new friend (or at least somebody you can call when you need to move heavy objects).
Do you have any suggestions? Let us know!

- Not a parenting blog, not a daddy blog, not a mommy blog — it's a Stunt Dad blog.
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