Saturday, December 31, 2011

Munch's Hunches: NFL Week 17

NFL Week 17. One of the most exciting weeks of the year. Pro Bowlers are selected or snubbed. Playoffs are on the line. Players are giving everything they have to reach their incentive bonuses are on the line. And for Munch, it becomes a real free for all. A final week where anything goes, nothing is off limits, and nothing is too sacred. Munch will be betting on every prop bet known to man: will Mark Sanchez eat a hotdog on the sidelines? what quarter will Tom Brady get yelled at by his offensive coordinator, who will be the first player to beat the crap out of Kyle Orton when he's caught "Tebowing" on the Broncos' 50 yard line? Yes, its going to be a wild weekend of Munch getting in his last regular season bets, but—truth be told—he an ulterior motive. He is dead set on buying a Fire-Red, 4WD, 6V, H2 Hummer with custom features such as black leather seats, 18" Spinner Rims, an iPad docking station, a cooler that holds 6 juice packs, a pop-up 8" flat screen TV,  and reaches speeds upwards of 50 mph. It costs just over $2,000 and is one of the most obnoxious things I've ever seen. However, the Hummer is not for functionality, it's purely for aesthetics. In fact, it's directly meant to one-up 3 year old Tommy Watkins. Watkins showed up to daycare last week in a sleek, black Escalade which had the angels of Darling Angels oohing and aahing. "It was hot. Tommy was hot. And, I had to drink three glasses of milk because even I was getting hot," blushed 2 year old Vanessa Calloway. When I explained to Munch that showing up older, popular boys to impress pretty girls was exactly the right thing to do, my little guy nodded his head and snorted, "I'm going to make that kid sh*t his pants when I roll my Humvee up in that b*tch." It was one of the most proudest moments of my life. 

The Saturday Stuntline is shaping up as...

The Early Game
Match-Up: Indianapolis (2-13) at Jacksonville (4-11)
Preview: Playoff implications? Negative. 2012 NFL Draft implications? Affirmative. If Indianapolis loses, and they get Andrew Luck. And if Jacksonville wins, they will have Peyton Manning 2.0 tormenting them for the next decade. As the owner of either team, I think it's pretty obvious of what needs to happen. If I'm Colt owner, Jim Irsay, I don't do a thing. I let my team be the crappy 2-13 team they've been all season and watch them get ridiculously smoked, pack my bags, and listen to "Some Guys Have All the Luck" over and over and over on the flight home. On the other hand, if I'm Jaguar owner Wayne Weaver, I resort to threats of violence. Anyone who wants to stretch for a first down, I tell them their legs are gonna be broken in the parking lot after the game. Anyone who wants to score a touchdown, they will be down one family member by sunset.
Munch's Hunch: Love me my MoJo. Go Jags!
Munch's Prop Bet: Number of times Andrew Luck's name gets mentioned in the game (Over/under 15): I'm taking the over. Can't you just hear Chris Collinsworth state, "Next year, Andrew Luck doesn't overthrow that receiver." 
Stunt Dad Diatribe: As unbelievable as it will be, Mr. Weaver won't have the balls to do anything but sit there and watch his team destroy the Colts. If anyone on the Colts thinks its a great idea for them to win this game then someone needs to pull a "Wyatt Earp bitch slap to Billy Bob Thornton" on them in this week's Futures Bowl. Jags maul Colts 27-7.

The Late Game
Match-Up: Baltimore (11-4) at Cincinnati (9-6)
Preview: Now this is why NFL football kicks a$$. Baltimore fighting for the division title and a first round bye in the playoffs. Cincinnati desperate to get back into the playoffs and clinch a wild card with a win. Sadly, it took nearly 2 dozen Bengals to beg, plead, and bribe their fans to come to this game. In fact, running back Cedric Benson promised that he, nor any other Bengal teammate, would get arrested this week to ensure they were at full strength. Andy Dalton even started a website called www.I' which emails a picture of Andy, and clearly a "Photoshopped-in" Boomer Esiason, to anyone who registers on the site. And finally, rookie AJ Green took out an ad in the Cincinnati Daily News that read: "Come see your new wide receiver that won't let you down. He won't smoke weed,  he won't' change his name to Uno Ocho, and he won't fall out of a moving pick-up truck." 

Munch's Hunch: Love the desperation coming out of the 'Nati. Go Bengals!
Munch's Prop Bet: Number of times Andy Dalton will be referred to as Mike McQueary (Over/under 1). I'll take the under. Cincy is stayin' classy this weekend. 
StuntDad Diatribe: The offenes are mediocre at best. Both quarterbacks aren't very good. Ray Rice only has 100 more yards than Cedric Benson. And, both teams No. 1 WRs are rookies. Where this game will be fun to watch is on the defensive side of the ball. Have you ever looked at pictures of the Ravens defenders? Terrell Suggs looks like he just got out of prison, Ed Reed looks like he's been living in the woods, and Ray Lewis looks like he just killed someone (uh, wait a second....). These 3 and the rest of their quarterback killin' crew will blow the head off of Andy "The Red Rifle" Dalton in this week's Shotgun Bowl. Ravens cage Bengals 24-21.

The Night Game 
Match-Up: Dallas (8-7) at NY Giants (8-7)
Preview:  What a way to end the regular season. Not only is the NFC East division title and a trip to the playoffs are at stake, but likely some jobs. Apparently Jerry Jones has told head coach Jason Garrett that his job is safe, regardless of the outcome; however, if the Cowboys lose, Jones will make Garrett personally fire the rest of their coaching staff immediately after the game. Dear Mr. Jones: we all knew you were a greedy weasel, but never thought that you were that much of a d*ck! On the flip side, a loss would make the Giants 2-6 in their past 8 games, and force Giants owners, John Mara & Steve Tisch,
to flip a quater as to who gets to "Glengarry Glen Ross" Tom Coughlin: "You had the team. We paid good money. You were 6-2 and just need to close. You couldn't close this year Tom. You couldn't close sh*t. In fact, you are sh*t, Tom. Hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are out!" Looking forward to seeing that one on YouTube next week!
Munch's Hunch: A-B-C. A-Always. B-Be. C-Closing. Go Cowboys!
Munch's Prop Bet: In which quarter will Tony Romo start whimpering on the sidelines? I'll take quarter 3 after he's thrown his second interception.
Stunt Dad Diatribe: Jerry Jones built a beautiful stadium. The TVs are gianormous, the urinals are clean with TVs above them, and inside each hotdog wrapper is actually a mini TV so that you can't miss any of the action. However, Jerry Jones built a crappy team, led by Tony Romo himself. He's the Phillip Rivers of the NFC: all flash and no cash. As in money. As in makes the big play. As in advances to and wins the Super Bowl. He'll go down in the record books with a ton of yards, a ton of touchdowns, but also a ton of chokes. The guy can't win the big one, which is why the Giants will take this week's Last Coach Standing Bowl. Giants stomp Cowboys: 38-21. 

Now, we turn to Stunt Dad Nation on your thoughts on these and other games from around the league.

Likes, dislikes, hits, & misses?

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Friday, December 30, 2011

100 Days for My Baby Girl: Week 7

Week 7
It's Week 7, also known as (in my best Chris Berman voice) PRIME TIME! As in learning. Because baby's brain will grow 5 centimeters by the end of Month 3, which for us non-Europeans, is 2 inches.  Doesn't sound like much? Well, here are a few things that measure 2 inches: a sugar packet, your thumb, or !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, measure that against your baby's head and suddenly you realize there is going to be a lot of room to fill with the most important of information. And what can be more important voice? Sure, textures, shapes, and all that touchy feel stuff is great, but if I could have my baby girl know one thing right now, it would be my voice. The more she hears my voice, the more comfortable she will be. So when I explain to her why the Bulls simply can not let me down as much as the Bears did, she'll smile. When I want to rant to her how Facebook seriously needs to stop making all of these non-changeable changes, she will giggle. And, above all else, when I sing to her, I will sleep. Immediately. For hours on end. Okay, just a few hours. 3 blissfully quiet hours. Yes, it's true—behind all of my good intentions I have for my daughter, my deepest, darkest secret for wanting to talk to my daughter is so that she will sleep. Sue me. So, Week 7 is going to be all about communication. And, here are two things I'm planning on doing:

#1: Memorize 5 Lullabies, Including 1 Original
Why 5? Because singing "Bye, baby bunting" for an hour will drive you to commit suicide. You will need options, for your own sanity (and your wife's too). And, why lullabies instead of your favorite songs? Lullabies were developed for people who can not sing, which I can't.  They are short, soothing rhymes to force junior into submission, not my own personal audition for American Idol.  I'm not Michael Buble. I'm not Michael Bolton. Hell, I'm not even Michael McDonald. So, as tempted as I might be to try turning "Yah Mo B There" into a lullaby, I won't. For Wifey's sake or for K2 sake. Whether it's "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" or "Silent Night", I'm going to spend an hour learning 4 lullabies. And then, just to prove to myself that I have an ounce of creativity, I'm going to make one up, using my 4 step process below:
  • Think: what do I want to tell my daughter? It's got to have a good message to her, not just a jargon of crappy words that makes my wife look at me and think: what the hell did you just say to her?
  • Write: twelve lines, rhyming, rhythm. It's like poetry (gulp). No, it's like rap (wahoo), just soft sounding rap. 
  • Tune: I have no musically abilities. I'm tone deaf, so I'm going to cheat number 4 by stealing, borrowing a tune from another lullaby. Thank you, Hush Little Baby!
  • Sing: Put it all together and release my inner Johannes Brahms, but not my inner Samuel L. Jackson

#2: Dedicate a Song 
After the hard work is done with #1, it's time to get sappy. I don't mean that I'm going to call up my local light FM radio station and request they play "Love Song" in honor of K2 and call it a night. I'm taking about creating something that will be long-lasting, that will always be associated with her and me. I'm going to pick out a song that I can play at her baptism, put on in the car during a road trip, and dance to with her on her wedding day. Unfortunately, that rules out some of Daddy's favorites, "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Thunderstruck", but leaves the door open for some lighter faves from U2 or Jason Mraz. Whatever song I choose, I plan on playing it often enough for her to give me a wink later on in life when we randomly hear it at coffee shop.

While she won't be engaging in conversation with me just yet, I'm sure she'll be excited to after hearing me constantly sing to her. Hopefully, her first words won't be "No sing Daddy", but I'll stay optimistic for now. After all, this is all about getting her to sleep as soon as humanly possible, right? 

Are you doing anything for your baby girl that I can copy???? =)

Check out the previous weeks below...

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Thursday, December 29, 2011

5 REAL New Years Resolutions

Every year the same New Years resolutions pop up. Lose weight, save money, get organized, get a job you love that pays a million dollars a year. Every year we make the same resolutions only to break them. It's time to break the cycle and breathe new life into New Years Resolutions. Here's 5 to ponder.

  1. Be grateful - Psychologists are learning that those who are thankful are happier and healthier. So instead of saying you are gonna get a better job or lose 10 pounds, just think about 3 things you are grateful for before going to sleep each night. The rest will fall into place. Want to take it one step further? Quit complaining.
  2. Have way more sex - I don't know how much sex you have now, but could you actually have too much? The benefits according to WebMD are:
    1. Relieves stress
    2. Boosts immunity (been getting colds? better not let your buds know...)
    3. Burns calories
    4. Improves heart rate
    5. Boosts self-esteem
    6. Reduces pain
    7. Reduces prostate cancer risk
    8. Helps you sleep better
  3. Listen to more music - Back in the day (2010) lifemojo did a post on the 10 benefits of listening to music...note: better health, better workouts, better sleep and so forth.
    1. Serves as a pain killer by releasing endorphins
    2. Reduces stress
    3. Cardiovascular health
    4. Stimulate brain cells and help to focus
    5. Boosts exercise performance (try GNR Appetite for Destruction)
    6. Promotes sound sleep
    7. Increases optimism
  4. Sleep well - The Harvard Women's Health watch suggests 6 benefits to getting enough sleep.
    1. Helps learning and memory
    2. Helps maintain a healthy weight
    3. Keeps you from falling asleep at the wheel, at the desk at the kids play
    4. Maintains a better mood
    5. Better cardiovascular health
    6. Fights disease
  5.  Play video games with your kids - The Huffington Post posted an article saying it was cool and that it's a good way to spend time with your kids. So go ahead...Bravo Bang Clear. 
So here is the deal. Feel like you are over weight? Don't join the health club, just be grateful, listen to more music, get it on often, and get sleep. Hate your job? Get it on often, sleep well, be grateful, get your rock on. Family life being problematic? Have more sex, get more sleep, rock out, play video games with the kids, and be grateful. These resolutions solve everything and it helps that they also provide immediate satisfaction!

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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Munch's Hunches: BCS BOWL GAMES

I respect Munch. He is 19 months old & he's a purist. The kid firmly believes that football only plays on Sundays. He won't watch Monday night football. He didn't even watch the games on Thanksgiving Day out of pure spite. And, he has turned his nose down to his puzzle books whenever I tune into my beloved (albeit disappointing) Hawkeyes on Saturday mornings. In fact, his favorite onesie reads "NFL: No Flaw League"on the front and "BCS: Bullsh*t Corrupted Sellouts" on the back. Like I said, he's a purist.

However, we all know Munch has two great passions in his young life: football and gambling. So, he's learned to walk a fine line when it comes to balancing these two. When I first told Munch that the college regular season was over, he waved me off with a "Good riddance." When I told him that Vegas had No. 2 'Bama giving 1 point to No. 1 LSU in the title game, his ears perked up. After some prodding, Munch compromised. "If I'm going to do this, it's going to be on the big boys. Not the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, or the Bass Pro Shops (Outdoor World) Bowl presented by the Tracker Marine Group."

Here is your Special Edition: BCS Stuntline:

Rose Bowl presented by VIZIO: #5 Oregon (11-2) vs. #9 Wisconsin (10-2)
Preview: It's absolutely sickening to see the words "presented by VIZIO" included in this bowl game title.  The one thing I actually liked about college football games were the legacy bowls keeping their names, but now, even the "Grandaddy of them All," ranks right up there with the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. It's a sad, sad state of affairs when the Tournament of Roses Parade kicks off with a Vizio "Because We Care" float containing live operators fielding calls from angry customers about their crappy products, showcases a marching band playing "Vizio, Vizio" to the tune of "Louie, Louie", and features  more than 400 horses that each have a 65" LCD TV strapped to their saddles.
Munch's Hunch: This is another reason why I hate college football, Oregon's mascot is a damn duck. Go Big Red!
StuntDad Diatribe: The state of Wisconsin has bigger and better things to worry about than this game: the Packers winning the Super Bowl, Ryan Braun busted for juicing, and identifying where the next Democratic senators hideout will be. On the other hand, what does the state of Oregon have? Recent headlines indicate their wolf population is up to 25, their zoo will soon welcome its 50th million visitor, and they were the first state to outlaw blogging by driving. Sadly, this game is the World Series, Super Bowl and NBA Finals wrapped into 60 minutes of another potential disappointment for Oregon. Third time is the charm for Oregon. Ducks quack Badgers 33-24.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #4 Stanford (11-1) vs. #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)
Preview: Do you see what they did here? Mired in scandal all year long, and instead of not getting expelled out of the BCS all together, the Fiesta Bowl actually got rewarded. Rewarded by hosting the best match up other than the title game, including the opportunity to showcase the likely No. 1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, Cardinal QB1 Andrew Luck. Great message to send to the kids BCS committee!
Munch's Hunch: Andrew Luck sounds like Mushmouth from Fat Albert. Go Cardinal!
StuntDad Diatribe: "I'm a man! I'm 40!  Still the greatest 3 minutes post-game conference tirade in the history of sports, OSU players have to love playing for Mike Gundy, because Coach will always have their back, no matter how much his players f*ck up on national television in the biggest game of the season against one of their biggest rivals. And we'll see that passion carry over in this shootout of a bowl game. The teams score more than Jerry Sandusky at a Pee Wee Football game (what—too soon?) so if you like touchdowns and think defense doesn't win championships, than tune into this wild west excuse for a football game. Cowboys spur Cardinal 45-41.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: #13 Michigan (10-2) vs. #17 Virginia Tech (11-2)
Preview: Why on Earth two teams are playing in the BCS when they are not even in the top 10 in the country is exactly the reason why college football sucks. Here's the sneak preview: this isn't about football, it's about money. Shocking, I know. Quote from the Sugar Bowl Chief Exploiting Officer, Paul Hoolahan: "We're broke and need bigger schools to make us more money." End quote.
Munch's Hunch: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X? No, Wolverine! Shnoochy, Shnoochies!
StuntDad Diatribe: If the BCS couldn't be any more pathetic, they go ahead and schedule the worst possible match-up possible. V-Tech got massacred and shot up (what—too soon?) by Clemson in their final regular season game 38-10. And, Michigan couldn't even win their own division, let alone their own conference. However, since I can't name a single Hokie, looks like Denard will run loose. Wolverines gun down Hokies 33-17.

Discover Orange Bowl: #14 Clemson (10-3) vs. #22 West Virginia (9-3)
Preview: I take back what I said about the Sugar Bowl, as this match-up is the single greatest travesty in sports. #23 in the country placing in a BCS game????!!!!! I get there are auto-bids but for God's sake, but they're not even in the top (expletive) 20!! As for Clemson getting in because they won their conference, the ACC is a basketball conference reserved for March Madness and shouldn't even be allowed to field football teams anymore since the Seminoles and Hurricanes realized that recruiting known felons was frowned upon. If more than 10 people in the country watch this pitiful excuse of a football game, then America needs to get their head out of their ass. This bowl should be renamed the Discover A Flaming Piece of Sh*t Bowl presented by Charmin Toilet Paper.
Munch's Hunch: Flaming poop? Now that's a bowl game I'd watch. Anyways, Go Tigers!
StuntDad Diatribe: I think the Preview did a pretty nice job of summing up my thoughts on this game.   Tigers claw Mountainmen 28-10.

Allstate BCS National Championship: #1 LSU (13-0) vs. #2 Alabama (11-1)
Preview: Well, well, well, the BCS actually got something right, if only because they didn't have a choice—so, giving them any credit whatsoever is actually too much. This is what college football should be about: the two best teams playing for the chance to be number 1. Their regular season game was an old-fashion, 1980-reminiscent slugfest with LSU proving that defense does win championships by winning 9-6, and proving field goal kickers actually do matter as the Alabama kicker missed 3 FGs. Its worth noting this same kicker went to the locker room after that particular game and tried to hang himself. Fortunately, he was unable to kick the stool out from under himself. (what—too soon?)
Munch's Hunch: I've always wanted to say this: Roll Tide!
StuntDad Diatribe: This is really the only game worth watching out of the 35 bowl games. No 1. vs. No. 2. SEC powerhouse vs. SEC powerhouse. Saban vs. Miles. Richardson vs. Mathieu. However, if you're looking for another game without a touchdown, sorry to disappoint. I see both offenses getting their acts together, but Les Miles using a few tricks plays to maintain their perfect season. Tigers pounce Tide 24-20. 

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Saturday, December 24, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 12

On the twelfth day of Christmas Chaos I would like the universe to give to me….12 relative reminders.

We are hosting Christmas for the  last time this year. We are just hours away from grandparents who can't remember my name,  an uncle who refuses to smoke his cigar anywhere but in the family room, cousins who still argue about the season finale of Lost,  and several nephews who will have each stolen at least one thing from house before dinner time. Rather than focus on the negative, here are 12 personal reminders on how to get through the worst, best day of the year!

12. Spot the Spoiler. There is always one family member that you know will do 1 of 3 things: get drunk, have a fight, or insult someone. You know who it is, you just don't know when it will happen. Find out who that person is and drop a spoonful of Ex-Lax into their first drink. You'll have to sacrifice a bathroom for the majority of the night, but the return will be a drama free evening.
11. Brake the Bulldozer. Someone will try to take over. Whether its Aunt Patty or Cousin Stacy, someone will challenge you for control. Whoever it is this year, try the "cut-off" approach, meaning: match their body language. Every time Aunt Patty opens her mouth, comment on her personal appearance. So, before Aunt Patty can say, "I think the Turkey is done"—just after she says think, you can smile and say, "you are showing way to much cleavage." Trust me, be the time dinner rolls around, you will have painted Aunt Patty as the neighborhood whore and you can look forward to a peaceful and quiet 5 course meal.
10. Curb the Critic. The turkey is too dry. The cranberry is too mushy. The red wine is too red. For me, it's Wayne. Wayne is technically my uncle, but he's adopted (and a raging alcoholic), so not calling him uncle is my little way of not considering him a part of the family. For your Wayne, try one-upping him. When he says he watches football on a 60" plasma at home, tell him you bought a 100" inch for this year's Super Bowl. When he says he just bought a new Mercedes, tell him you are getting a Ferrari for your wife's birthday. Watch him stew and not have the "cahones" to call you out on it. It's actually a really fun game to play.
9. Exterminate the Expert. I won't name names on this one, because there are a few relatives who fall into this category. You'll hear definitive medical diagnosis', solutions to our healthcare system, and why our country's youth aren't attending church. For these people and their complete disregard for anyone else's opinion, I urge you to challenge them to a fencing dual every time they put themselves on a pedestal. Literally, have a mat set up in the basement, with fencing jackets, masks and bladed weapon of choice, ready to go. No one outside of the UK knows how to fence, so chances are in your favor that "relative X" will bashfully decline. For those who are brave enough to try accept the dual, remember the Cobra Kai mantra: Strike first, strike hard, and no mercy sir!
8. Lynch the Loudmouth. He is so loud. So uncontrollably and annoyingly loud. You can hear him from the next room or from the basement, and there is nothing you can do. Until now. I vote that you pull him aside, and as his friend, tell him that someone thinks he's a jerk. A real obnoxious jerk. But, because it's family, you can't say their name. By doing this, Mr. Loudmouth will be completely consumed with trying to figure out who this mystery person is all night and will turn into a creepy stalker than a hellish vocalizer. Small price to play for silence.
7. Gag the Gossip. Did you know that your Aunt cheated on your Uncle ten years ago? Did you know that your cousin was fired for sexual harassing the CEO's administrative assistant?  None of this is information I need—or care—to know. These types of facts usually come to life about three or four drinks into the night, so once the first couple of bottles of wine are gone, be on the lookout. Once the first set of dirty laundry airs, repeat the entire sentence as loud as you can. When the entire party hears that your niece has gonorrhea, that will pretty much guarantee the end of gossip for the evening.
6. Dope up the Dullard. These people are one step up from being a piece of sh*t. They don't speak unless spoken to. When they do speak, you wish they hadn't. Question: "So, I haven't seen you since last Christmas, what's new in your world?"Answer: "Nothing." Really? You have nothing new or worth talking about for the past 12 months? Tell me you actually thought the X Factor was a good show. Tell me that you now prefer eating oatmeal to cereal. You've got give me something to work with! When you do hear the "Nothing" response, ask them what they would do if they were fired next week, and however they answer, start probing. And keep probing. Just hammer them with questions until you force your cousin to admit that he always wanted to become a professional gymnast, but felt embarrassed by the size of his manhood. Go ahead, he's had that bottled up for more than 20 years.
5. Enrage the Eco-ist. The Eco-ist is very concerned with the ingredients in each of one of the dishes you've spent days preparing. He or she reminds you of the starving children in Africa and expresses extreme disappointment that no one at the party has donated any money to the Children of Ethiopia Education Fund. Hey, I'm all for recycling, making the world better, and all that good stuff—but not today. Not at Christmas. Let me open the crappy clothes from Kohls I received in peace and keep your Tree-Hugging bullsh*t to yourself. When Eco-Person speaks, I think you should religion them to death. Tell them it's Jesus' birthday and that you are offended by their lack of respect for talking about animal exploitation instead of opening the set of steak knives you got them.
4. Bite the Brat. He's a little sh*t. A complete brat. Everyone hates him and the parents are oblivious to how rotten he is. He'll walk right up to you, start poking you in the leg, and then stomp on your foot as he turns and walks away. My advice: pour your drink on him. When his foot touches you in the slighest, empty your entire drink, ice cubes, and straw onto his head—and flash the most wicked of all smiles. He will freeze up in complete shock. He'll want to cry, but your smile tells him that the worst has yet to come if he says, does, or thinks of anything else sh*tty to do.
3. Confuse the Creep. He'll be wearing Old Spice. Either a gold necklace or rings. A sweater from the 70s. And, he talks close—real close. You never know if his hand will be on your neck, your shoulder, or—gulp—your thigh. He's way beyond inappropriate and you often will have your finger hovering the 911 button on your cell phone as soon as he looks in your direction. But, you can flip the tables on him. Really throw him for a loop. So when he approaches you, make the first move. Put your arm around his shoulders, sneeze a few times into his face, and come real close to making out with him. As soon as he feels your hot breath on his nose hairs, he'll be running for his next victim.
2. Happy-Up the Hater. The hater dislikes everything: Life. Work. School. Sports. Sex. The hater will explain why President Obama has ruined our country. Why Justin Beiber has ruined music. And, why Tim Tebow has ruined football. None of it makes any sense. At the end of the diatribe, the hater comes across as just an unpleasant and unhappy jerk. Whenever the hater states, "The problem is...", you interject with something that you like. So that the conversation would go something like, "The problem is...I like to watch porn on my smartphone." The hater will not only be surprised, but you might actually get him or her to crack a smile.
1. Lampoon the Lazya$$. This person never brings food, never picks-up, and never does dishes. This person is the epitome of a showing up to the party with a 'mouth full of gimme and a handful of nothin.' But this year, things change. Let's make this person actually feel really, really bad about their rude behavior. When this person walks into your house, immediately bring them a frozen dessert and thank them for not being courteous enough to bring or even offer to bring the Apple Pie. When this person finishes a drink, immediately bring them another and thank them for not getting up and making everyone else wait on them hand and foot. When this person finishes their meal, start piling every last dirty plate, bowl, spoon, knife, and fork in front of them and say, "It's your turn to clean this sh*t up."

What can I say? Hosting Christmas can bring out the snarkiest in a man. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Despite the 12 reminders, I really do love them all, in their own unique ways. However, this year I'm prepared. I've got a plan and I'm sticking to it. And little Billy, considered yourself warned—I'm drinking bloody mary's this year because the smell of tomato juice makes you nauseous. Oh yeah, one more thing: MERRY CHRISTMAS! 
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3 Tips on how NOT to kill Santa

C-Day is almost upon us. We have bought gifts, visited Santa, sent video messages to the little believers using, delivered wish lists, purchased cookies and milk and have used the coming of Santa to get our kids to brush their teeth, clean their rooms and fill out 6 months worth of our delinquent expense reports. But be careful, one small slip up and the magic of Santa will disappear into thin air and you will doing your own expense reports come next December. Here are 3 tips to keeping the magic alive.

  1. Make sure presents from Santa don't appear before the big day unless you have a really good story. This means finding a good hiding spot to store presents that you can access the night of the crime without waking the wee ones. The car trunk seems to be a favorite of parents and organized crime around the world.
  2. If Santa wrapped your presents and left a card, be careful with the handwriting. It was the handwriting that destroyed Christmas for me. That and my family can't stand giving credit of their generosity to a fictional character. Clearly they opted to do their own expense reports. The best way to hide Santa's handwriting is to cut out letters from a magazine like a ransom note, or just use your ink jet printer.
  3. Check the wrapping paper. Using the same wrapping paper as Santa isn't a coincidence, it's sloppy and is sure to raise an eyebrow. Some families avoid this common giveaway by not wrapping presents from Santa at all. Others leave wrapping paper out with milk and cookies the night before and let the little ones know that Santa and his helpers wrap the presents right there in front of the tree before whisking away to the next good little boy's or girl's house.
How about you? What Stuntastic hurdles do you jump through to keep the magic alive?
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Friday, December 23, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 11

On the eleventh day of Christmas I would like the Universe to give to me...11 days without griping.

The world is an amazing place and getting better every day. Modern medicine is eradicating diseases, and helping patients cope with debilitating conditions while extending the length of the average lifespan. Technology is bringing us closer by making it possible to communicate across the world instantly. And yet I still find something to gripe about everyday. If it is not the self important d-bags that run stop signs, honk their horns and drive like vapid teenagers hopped up on Red Bull, it's the corrupt politicians that we continue to give license to use tax dollars for their own selfish initiatives and betterment. If it's not the dinkle berry that coughed and sneezed on me for 14 hours on the plane it's the iPod Touch that stopped working the day after the one year warranty expired. But I digress.

I would like the Universe to give to me 11 days in which I see only the good, the wonderment, the things that work instead of the gripe-able events that are so easy to see. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

100 Days for My Baby Girl: Week 6

Week 6
Six weeks in, you've probably experienced your baby's first smile, watched him or her track your face from side to side, and received the first of many golden showers to come. And don't think just because you have a girl that you're off the hook when it comes to the last one. I learned the hard way two weeks ago when (after my wife warned me, of course), I casually let my guard down while changing K2's diaper and subsequently received a liquid stream of consciousness from her. Aside from that humbling experience, you will finally start to see some 'action' out of baby. I know that sounds bad, but come on, let's face it - - you honestly couldn't tell the difference between still photographs of your baby or a 3 minute video. 90% of both Munch's and K2's pictures have them in one 3 places: on their back, on their belly, or on the boob. (and no, I'm not trying to compare their first four weeks to a Skinemax movie). Instead of being that adorable, blinking, little lump of yours, he or she will will start to bloom. Fists begin to flatten out, arms start to flail around randomly, and thumbs and fingers will start to be sucked. Who knew the pressing of palms together could be so exciting??!!! While, he or she is starting to grow, so is your family. Mom is getting more comfortable with her role as you are with yours. Between baby's mental development and physical growth, now is the best time to start recording all of it. So, Week 6 is going to be all about documentation. And, here are two things I'm planning on doing:

#1: Celebrating the StuntDad Firsts
With Munch, we have all of the big guys written down: first smile, laugh, sleeps through the night, sits up, crawls, yaddi, yaddi, yaddi... While those are all warm and make you feel extra special nice inside, I'm going to go the extra mile with K2 by adding on some additional firsts that probably aren't always captured. Since she is a rockstar at chilling in my arms for extended period of times, I'm going to start writing down each of the 1sts we share together on TV, examples below:
  • 1st Sporting Event: complete with a picture of us in our jerseys, a newspaper clipping of the box score, noting the number of times I caught myself swearing at the referee, and the type (but not the amount) of beer I drank
  • 1st Concert: capturing a picture of us in our ripped t-shirts and frayed jeans, jotting down the song list, purchasing an mp3 download of the show so that I can play it to her at night, and the type (but not the amount) of liquor I drank
  • 1st Animated Movie: yep, you guessed it: a picture of us in our cartoon pajamas, purchasing a stuffed animal from the movie, permanently borrowing the DVD from Blockbuster, and and the type (but not the amount) of wine I drank 
Oddly enough, the firsts (and life itself) can also extend beyond the TV world, so I'm also planning on documenting some out-of-home firsts such as: the first restaurant we take her to (scribbling down what kind of food, what did we eat, what compliments she received (if any—and don't think I'll make one up if we have to, if we don't get at least one), as well as grabbing a matchbook for a keepsake - [romantic, aren't I?]), 1st time we take her across state lines (logging where were going, when we first wanted to turn back, what the highlight of the trip was, and how many times we had to pull over), and finally, the 1st time we left her with grandma & grandpa (noting the type (but not the amount) of beer, liquor, and wine we drank - yep, that's it).

#2: Plant a Tree

I'm not a big environmentalist, I don't have a garden, and I only sometimes recycle—but, I really like the idea of planting a tree for K2. Sure, it will give us shade, produce oxygen, and all that good stuff, but its something that she'll always have, see, and feel as they both grow. And, as you've likely caught on to by now, it will be great to take annual pictures to see who is growing faster: K2 or The Big Wood. In fact, once K2 grasps the understanding of betting, my son Munch (the resident gambler), can start taking bets from kids all over the neighborhood as to who will reach 5 fee the fastest: the girl or the tree. I see a full line of merchandising opportunities to promote this event: websites, t-shirts, coasters. Wow, this sweet, sentimental, heartfelt gift may also now bring in some grocery money—score! And then, twenty years from now, as K2 is towering over me, Big Wood will be towering over both of us. An added bonus is that this gift requires no money (find a local nursery that are looking to give them away to clear inventory), requires no intensive labor (dig hole, drop tree, done), and requires no maintenance (thanks Mother Nature!). But remember, picking the type of landscape tree will also subconsciously select the type of girl you raise:
  • Magnolia: Girly Girl - exceptional beauty, fragrant, pinkish-white bloom
  • Apple: Girl Next Door - nothing says farmer's daughter better
  • Dogwood: Bi-Polar Girl - blooms in both spring and fall, that's just crazy
  • Maple: Sporty Girl - blooms in fall which is the only season where the Big 4 overlap (football, baseball, hockey, and basketball)
  • Spruce: Bitchy Girl - contains prickly needles, say no more
  • Birch: Nerdy Girl - better known for its bark than leaves, how lame is that?
  • And, finally the Oak: Cool Girl - tallest, strongest, boldest badass tree on the planet
Exciting times are ahead and pretty soon, your baby will be a walkin' talkin', jumpin' jivin' little person and if you don't start documenting now, you'll wish you had. It's easy to "skip that" or "I'll get the next one" or "I'll write it down later", but chances are, it will become a distant memory if you don't. Envision the plan, write down the plan, and execute the plan. And hey, if Hannibal, the coolest guy from 1983, can say, "I love it when a plan comes together", than so can you! 

Are you doing anything for your baby girl that I can copy???? =)

Check out the previous weeks below...

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Thursday, December 22, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 10

On the 10th day of Christmas Chaos I would like the universe to give to me….10 Hours of Sleeping. 

I'm always tired, but with all of the extra tasks related to the holidays, I am down right beat. Right now as I type, I am scheduled for at least an hour of wrapping presents tonight. This will mean an estimated bedtime of 1:00 and then a wake up call of 6:00 (barring nobody wakes up in the middle of the night crying... and I am not talking about me).

I knew that becoming a father came with its share of challenges. Financial pressure. Parenting conundrums. But I never realized just how damned tired I would get. For the first two years of fatherhood, I was probably the meanest/snarkiest person in the office. Most questions were answered with a "What the hell do you think you should do?". When they finally asked why I was being so mean, I had to explain to them that I hadn't had a full nights sleep in over 600 days. 

My wife will often give me grief over taking a nap in the afternoon on the weekends. I don't think she understands that I am literally getting by on a day to day basis. I am like a shark now. If I stop moving I fall asleep. I have been known to fall asleep in physician waiting rooms, busses and once at a McDonalds. I was playing with the kids the other day and fell asleep in our tent fort for at least an hour. 

All I am asking for is 10 hours of straight sleep. Go to bed at 10 and wake up at 8. Nothing else.  StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 9

On the ninth day of Christmas Chaos I would like the universe to give to me….9 ladies dancing.

No, I'm not getting a divorce. No, I'm not unhappy in my marriage. But yes, I want 9 ladies (and I'll use that term loosely) to show up at my house and dance for me. They can do a jig, a riverdance, breakdance, or use and abuse my furniture like its 1999—it doesn't matter to me. They will not need to worry about being judged or "racking" up a certain number of points.  While the ladies get their groove on, I will be sitting in my recliner wearing a plush, oversized Santa hat and consuming an obscene amount of eggnog out of a moose mug.

The ladies are free to wear whatever they choose, but I do have one request: they must come dressed with some kind of Christmas theme. Whether they want to show up in a sea of red and green sweatshirts or as Busty the Snowwomen, Santa's Red-Laced Reindeer, or the MILFs on the Shelf—it's all good, as long as I see some effort. There is nothing worse than having a group of ladies show up at your door looking like they got paid to be there—it's quite humbling.

So here is what I need universe…9 ladies to show up, shut up, and start movin' and groovin' in my family room. Santa, I promise not to record them or Skype them to the Interwebs, nor will I think evil thoughts before, during, or after the show. Just a few hours of their time on cold, dark, and lonely Wednesday night—is this too much to ask?

To see previous days, click below:
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 8
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 7
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 6
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 5
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 4
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 3
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 2
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 1

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 8

On the eight day of Christmas I would like the universe to give to me, 8 ways of Kings!

With all the chores, decisions, entertaining, shopping, and traveling brought upon me by the holidays, it takes more than a mere mortal to survive the hustle and bustle unscathed. That's why I am asking for the 8 ways of Kings to help me through.
  1. I need the touch of King Midas to help me pay for all the presents, dinners, plane tickets, and drinks that come with the holiday season and all it's festivities. 
  2. I need the wisdom of King Solomon to help me choose fair and welcomed presents. 
  3. I need the cunning of King Odysseus to navigate the booby-trapped conversations of drunken relatives. 
  4. I need the peaceful rule of King Augustus (Caesar) to keep the holidays from turning into a bloody battlefield. 
  5. I need the strength of King Alexander the Great to fight the mobs crowding the stores and streets. 
  6. I need the voice of the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley, to croon holiday songs in a way that doesn't make my family cover their ears.
  7. I need the feet of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, to whisk my wife away in a holiday dance. 
  8. Finally, I need the speaking skills of Dr. Martin Luther King to give one hell of a holiday toast.

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Monday, December 19, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 7

On the 7th day of Christmas Chaos I would like the universe to give to me...7 Hairs Not Thinning.

One of the highlights of the holiday season is the annual trip to the local department store for a family picture. My wife's family is always asking us for an updated family picture that they can proudly display (I image the conversation when their friends come over going like this, "..and this, everyone, is my handsome son-in-law. Oh yes, he is the world famous Stunt Chad. Oh, how nice of you to notice. We wanted our daughter to marry a doctor, but we never dreamed she might be able to actually nab herself a Stunt Dad.").  The family picture is a great way to capture the excitement of the season, the incredible growth of the children, and oh yeah, the yearly progress of my thinning hair.

Now I'm not a vain person, but I have to admit that every time I look at  the picture, the first thing I think is, "Wow. I am really losing my hair!" For those of you that have don't know me, I have always had very lush dark hair that I've "styled" with some gel to get that "I don't care enough to try, but not so much that I am homeless" look.  It all started to go a couple of years ago (I won't blame the kids, but the timing between their arrival and my follicle challenges is quite the coincidence). I was forced to pull a George Clooney and push what hair I had left forward. This has worked for a while, but now I am starting to see the emergence of a cranial crescent moon shining through the front of my Clooney cut. I think I might be forced to transition to a Matt Lauer or maybe just skip that step entirely and go straight to the Stone Cold Steve Austin...but the Better Half is not ready for me to pull the trigger on that yet (something about me looking like a serial killer).

So universe, what I could really use this year is a little help with the old hair line. I am not asking for a miracle, just a stop to the cowardly retreat.

To see previous days, click below:
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 6
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 5
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 4
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 3
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 2
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 1

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I took my 3 1/2 year old that bad?

Before you call the Department of Children and Family Services at 800 25-ABUSE, first realize that we didn't go on an empty stomach. We ate pizza before going to the bar, cus it was pizza friday and that's sacred. We're not heathens. Also note I am no Shawn Weimer, neither my 3 year old nor I drove...we took a cab. So put that in your beer bong and smoke it. Finally, it wasn't a pre-meditated night of binging, it just happened.

So that's probably enough of an explanation for our non-Amish readers, but for our uppity readers I will reveal a few more details that may turn your fingers and upward pointed noses elsewhere.

Some ex-coworkers were planning a get together so we could all see one another and catch up. I thought that I was not going to be able to make it, until a last minute change in plans gave me a few precious hours to have a couple of drinks and catch up. My plan was to pick up Monkey from school, have pizza friday, then slip away early from dinner to be fashionably late for the drinks. Everything was going nicely until it was time to slip away. As I put on my shoes Monkey's eyes welled up. "I go too", he sobbed through a waterfall of tears and snot. We tried to explain it was for adults and that I would be back soon, but he had his heart set on spending the night with daddy. I had 3 choices, leave my son sobbing with my exhausted and over burdened wife, stay home and miss yet another get together (perhaps 2 years worth) or be a Stunt Dad and reject the traditional options. I chose to grow a pair and go against the grain. But there was some thought that went behind the decision, I just wasn't going daddy rougue. First it was early, 6pm and the bar would be full of 30 and 40 something's wearing v-neck sweaters and designer jeans. The "bar" has an executive chef, and a director of culinary operations with a menu boasting warm tomato-goat cheese, white balsamic-capper brown butter and gluten free rice flour pasta. The drink menu is sprinkled with words like grapefruit, pomegranate and raspberry. It's the kind of trendy place where the fights are about the best agile project management methodology and where the weapon of choice to shove in someone face is an iPhone 4. The rule about not bringing children to a bar is about shielding them from dangerous characters, gamblers and prostitues. This crowd is the same people he sees at Starbucks every morning ordering similarly fruffy drinks. So I said, "lets go". Monkey's face lit up, we kissed mommy goodbye, put a twenty in our shoes so we would have cab fair home and told her not to wait up for us.

As soon as we got outside Monkey's hand shot straight up into the air and he screemed a mighty "TAXI!". The yellow Crown Vic screeched to a halt. We snapped the car seat in and where off for a night of debauchery.

When we arrived, the place was starting to fill up. We saw old friends and many took turns holding my wing man and giving him their iPhones to him to show him their kids, or nieces or nephews favorite app. I refrained from having a drink, while it was perfectly safe, Monkey is tough enough to catch sober, so I wasn't gonna take any chances. We had many new experiences. He peed while I held him up in front of the toilet. He flirted with more than one older woman, giving equal attention to both. And we listened to stories from @JamesArdito, one of the most creative and nicest guys in town.

We left after about an hour to make it home for bedtime. It was not enough time to catch up with the good people that miss. But it was better than not seeing them at all. And it was worth the dirty looks from accountants and media salespeople and the comment from the little girl who said "look he brought a 2 year old to the bar". To her I would like to say, "Actually, he is 3 1/2! He's just small for his age.".

So you tell me. Is it totally wrong to bring a kid into a bar? Is there any gray area? StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 6

On the sixth day of Christmas Chaos I would like the universe to give to me….6 Days Without Weighing.

It's not because I'm fat (although I'm "hah-chew" pounds heavier than I was in my 20s). And, it's not because I'm lazy (although I do drink my yogurt). It's because I'm tired. I'm tired of having to think about what food I'm eating. I'm tired of wondering what foods have good carbs vs. bad carbs, which have too much sodium and which don't have enough potassium, and I'm stil trying to understand the difference between Calories or Calories from Fat.

Can't food manufacturers make my life easier by identifying foods with a simple, quick, easy to understand traffic signal system? Green: Tastes like crap, but you'll be skinny. Yellow: Food tastes better, but you might put on a few pounds. Red: The best-tasting food in the world, but your ass will balloon to the size of Texas.

Since that will never happen, the onus is on me to watch what I eat. But after 10 hours a day at work, less than six hours of sleep at night, and juggling diaper duty for 2 kiddies in between, the idea of thinking about what foods I should be eating makes my head hurt. On top of that, it's December. In Chicago. It snowed today. And, I just realized that I have 12 days to finish all of the New Years Resolutions that I haven't gotten around too—including, Resolution #3--> Go on a diet. (expletive) that!

So here is what I need universe…six days for me to eat whatever the hell I want. A break from thinking, planning, and worrying about what I should be eating. This doesn't mean that I'm going to binge on fast food or eat chicken wings for breakfast or doughnuts for dinner. It means that whatever I end up cooking or ordering-in or pulling off the shelf is fair game for six days. Then, it's back to figuring out what my daily phosphorous percentage intake should be.

To see previous days, click below:
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 5
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 4
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 3
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 2
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 1

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Saturday, December 17, 2011

Munch's Hunches: NFL Week 15

One minute you're on top of the world and the next minute some daycare punk is running over you with a lawn mower. Munch had to find this out the hard way after dropping all 3 picks in Week 14. Munch walked into a very quiet Darling Angels daycare on Monday morning, with most of the kids afraid to even drool after Munch's weekend debacle. Instead of waiting for someone to say something he didn't like, Munch changed the conversation before it began. "He started talking about how bad it is at the tables when smoke gets in your eyes," said Trudy Campbell. "And, that's when I asked him how he could still be gambling after, well—you know. Munch looked me square in the eyes and tells me, 'Newsflash kid: the whole world is gambling. As soon as you have to cut down on your gambling, you get labeled with a gambling problem.'" As his father, it's quite refreshing to know that my 18-month old son has life pretty much figured out before he's out of diapers. I was a little worried at how reckless he was when betting on the turn during his last couple of Hold 'Em tournaments or when he'd start hitting on 16 in Mexican Blackjack. I started to think he was some kind of madman, but he's starting to put it together. In just the past few days, he's really polished his approach and is pretty close to becoming the Don Draper of Darling Angels. In fact, when I asked what he loved most about gambling, Munch snorted, "What you call love was invented by toddlers like me, to get cupcakes. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one." See, the kid's done some growing up this week, unlike some of the other kids mentioned below. Apples don't far fall from the tree, I guess.

The Saturday Stuntline is shaping up as...

The Early Game
Match-Up: Seattle (6-7) at Chicago (6-5)
Preview: Sam Hurd's son busted for Smartees. The son of Chicago Bear wide receive Sam Hurd was detained by Lake Forest Police Officers on Friday for allegedly purchasing massive amounts of Smartees with intent to distribute. Ironically, the 9 year old Sam Hurd Jr. doesn't fit the typical drug dealer profile. "He's a model student actually," said 4th grade English Teacher, Ms. Jefferies. "He shows up to school every day, turns in his homework on time, and tries real hard. What he does after 2:30, I really couldn't say." Most of Hurd's classmates expressed similar sentiments, stating that he was very well liked, but few really knew him outside of class. Lake Forest authorities are concerned with a recent trend in grammar schools where students have been crushing up Smartees and then snorting them through plastic straws. "I don't know where he thought to do anything like this. Surely not his parents, his dad plays football for god's sake. I mean, he doesn't actually play, but he's still on the team, I guess. So the million dollar question is: where would a 9 year old ever think to snort candy out of straw? It's ridiculous, just ridiculous," reported Lt. Hank Thames during Friday's press conference. "We've seen everything from nose bleeds to vomiting across 4 counties in the past week. Someone, and I don't know who, needs to sit down with their parents and get to the bottom of this. One of them knows something and isn't talking. I will not rest until I find someone who can be responsible for finding this out." While heading to the bathroom just after the press conference, Lt. Thames picked up the Chicago Tribune Sports section and was proud and shocked to see a) Sam Jr.'s dad was in fact still on the Bears, and b) he had finally made the paper.
Munch's Hunch: Candy, candy, candy. Yum, Yum, Yum. Go Bears!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: Seattle has two impressive wins in a row and is somehow still in contention for a playoff spot, but it will mean beating Chicago first and then a few more miracles over the next couple of weeks. But, Pete Carroll has his team believing because they are not a team that Chicago wants to face right now. The Bears have looked downright pathetic on offense since Cutler and Forte went down. It has gotten worse with each week and last week's loss to the Broncos has likely sealed their fate for the season. Put a fork in the Bears because they are done in this week's Down and Out Bowl. Seahawks Snip Bears 31-21.

The Late Game
Match-Up: New England (10-3) at Denver (8-5)
Preview: John Elway's son busted for Teabagging. Two Denver athletes have been suspended by school administrators for organizing several "squat-downs" in a tribute to the NFL sensation Tim Tebow, who said Friday that while he appreicates their boldness, the students have to obey their elders. "I think if they had good intentions, which it sounds like the boys did, then good for them to have the courage to do something different," the Denver Broncos quarterback said. Denver Prep High School administrators suspended John Elway Jr. and another student this week after organized several "Teabagging" tributes to the NFL star in their school hallway. John Jr. said that he and his friends merely wanted to pay tribute to Tebow as a "role model, leader, and winner. And, that it really didn't have anything to do with humiliating several of the female students and exposing himself to the rest of the student body." Denver Prep School Superintendent Jack Ward said in a statement that the student's actions created a potential safety hazard. "I think it's wonderful that our students look up to sports heroes such as Mr. Tebow, but we can't allow for students to insert their balls into another person's mouth because it creates unsafe situations in school. Students cannot block hallways and prevent other students from getting to class no matter what kind of sexual activity they are conducting."

Munch's Hunch: Only balls being tossed are TDs from Brady to Gronk. Go Pats!
StuntDad Diatribe: Having witness the Mile High Messiah first-hand last week in Denver as they came from behind against my beloved Bears in the last few minutes of the fourth quarter, I've got news for Tom Brady: You can't beat God. And God's muse this year is the Docile Apostle. Last year we know it was Aaron Rodgers, and this year it's T-Bowner. Besides, New England's defense is HORRIBLE and won't be able to stop the Big Tebowski in this week's The Dudes Bowl. Broncos stampede Pats 28-27.

The Night Game Match-Up: Pittsburgh (10-3) at San Francisco (10-3)
Preview: James Harrison's son busted for Concussing. The 8 year old son of Steelers linebacker James Harrison was removed from the Blackwell Bobcats flag football team against rival Campenelli Crusaders for his hit on 7 year old Jenny Olson during Wednesday's game. "Everyone knows that Jenny is a big girl—ok, she's downright huge, especially for a 7 year old—but James Jr. knows that we play flag football to protect the girls who play this game, including Jenny," said Bobcats coach Erik Arnolfsky. "I'm all for a little rough housing, but she ended up with a damn concussion." Apparently, Jenny attempted a QB draw late in the 3rd quarter, which James Jr. read perfectly, and just as Jenny crossed the line of scrimmage, James Jr.'s head flew directly into the girl's chest, just absolutely crushing her in the process. Several players on both teams claimed they heard something snap as Jenny laid on the ground unconscious for a good two minutes before Lenny Bishop, coach of the Crusaders, was able to revive her. James Jr. was immediately thrown out of the game and could only be heard saying, "It is what it is. I plan to appeal." Amazingly, Jenny Olson would return just three plays later, but to no avail as the Bobcats held onto victory 30-24. Hours later Olson was diagnosed with having a concussion. "I stand by my decision to let her play. She seemed fine to me," said Bishop.
Munch's Hunch: Hard hits is football, Go Steelers!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: Ben is hurt. Troy is hurt. Maurkice is hurt. Doesn't make for a good omen. Jim Harbaugh will get his Niners back on track with a huge win over the Steelers. Hopefully, we'll also see Jim channel his inner-self and cold-clock Mike Tomlin after the game in this week's Sons of Anarchy Bowl. Niners gold rush Steelers 17-14.

Now, we turn to Stunt Dad Nation on your thoughts on these and other games from around the league.

Likes, dislikes, hits, & misses?

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12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 5

On the fifth day of Christmas Chaos I would like the universe to give to me….5 Needless Things!

A long time ago a friend gave me some advice...he says to me, "bub Christmas and birthday gifts should be something the person would never buy for themselves". That's pretty awesome advice and prevents me from buying my wife air conditioner filters for our anniversary. So asking the universe to follow the same sage advice. There are 5 awesome things that no grown adult has purpose for:
  1. WowWee Robosapien Humanoid Toy Robot with Remote Control
    What is cooler than a robot that can do 5 different kung fu moves? A robot that can do 6 different kung fu moves! But Steven Koleman from SD put it best in his Amazon review, "It's great for impressing your friends or making your own robot movies."
  2. Underwear
    We stopped wearing them in high school because we thought it would help us score. We didn't wear them in college to save money on laundry. We started wearing them in our twenties because we couldn't control the urge to drop our pants in public places when drinking. But now that we are dads, we don't do that anymore, so they are needless, but I still want some. Perhaps with a zebra pattern?
  3. Chia Pet
    I have always wanted a Chia Pet and if I get one this year I will hug him, and stroke him, and cuddle him, and call him George. There is something magical about Chia. Mind you, I wouldn't actually eat anything grown from George. It would just be fun to give him a mohawk, forget to water him and re-gift him next year.
  4. Laser Pointer
    While there are a few good uses for laser pointers, it is their non useful uses that make them irresistible. Messing with cats is hours of fun and can make you a YouTube star. Freaking out the accountant in the building next you will make you the office funny guy and perhaps provide a pant wetting (remember we don't wear underwear) visit from occifer friendly. But the best useless use of this needless thing is to build a laser surveillance system with these instructions from instructables
  5. A Wallet
    With the internet, RFID chips, banks too big to fail and Google working together to digitize all monetary transactions, this may be the last wallet you ever own. Like the way of the pocket watch, wallets will soon be needless relics of the past and items only nerdy historians purchase to pretend they live in a classier time.
How about you? What needless gift would make you as giddy as a kid in a candy shop?

To see previous days, click below:
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 4
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 3
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 2
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 1

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Friday, December 16, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 4

On the fourth day of Christmas Chaos I would like the universe to give to me….4 Extra Nerds.

When did it come standard that every dad must also be a technical genius on the side? No matter if it is a gift I am giving or receiving, I know that I committed to probably three hours of technical support per item. From setting it up to the eventual “I can’t get on the Googles” phone call. Every electronic device comes with a minimum of 6 batteries and 4 f bombs at least. There are usually little to no setup instructions and if there are, they assume that you have a PHD in Computer Science. Or the real kicker is when you finally get the gift up and running, it is bound to not work the exact way it was described.

And it is not just electronics goods, it is also the toys. Everything now comes with a usb cord, a necessary blue tooth connection or even worse, the need to set-it up by downloading something. Children do not seem to understand the term buffering.
Even the simple toys like dolls and cars are getting more complicated.  Hot Wheels just came out with a car that has a microcamera in it and a small screen where kids can record their “adventures”. The commercials describe the hours of enjoyment that kids will have creating their own mini movies. You know what I see?? A nonstop parade of “Daddy, it doesn’t work anymore” fits. I will then spend the only free hour I have a day trying to get this piece of plastic to work for another of couple of days until it is either dropped down a flight of stairs or chucked across the living room (probably by me on the latter).

So here is what I need universe…4 extra nerds to come over and set everything up in advance.  I will then wrap them. Pass them out. Take all of the credit.  And then actually get to do the things that I see happen on all of those Happy Days Christmas specials…playing games, eating pie and talking to the underage girl that Fonzie brought to the festivities. 

To see previous days, click below:
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 3
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 2
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 1

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100 Days for My Baby Girl: Week 5

Week 5
The first month of parenthood is behind you. Those couple of days in the hospital seem like a lifetime ago, and by now, you and your wife have likely established a solid routine. If your wife is breastfeeding, this means you get to sleep from 10pm-6pm while she nurses (two loud snores for nursing!). If your baby is on formula, this means you could be making bottles in the wee hours of the night (one sleepwalk into the bedroom door for formula!). Either way, when morning comes, you are getting out of there as fast as humanly possible (just kidding) (maybe) (not really). And once you're at the office2, it's easy to immerse yourself into the joys of TPS reports, broken copy machines, and some co-worker showing you his "O-face", all the while forgetting that your wife is home, alone, nursing or feeding baby every 3 hours, holding or consoling baby every other hour, thinking about the voicemails and emails she needs to return, and imagining what it would be like to take a shower just once—just one time this week. I'm not saying your wife is going to become a caged animal who can't leave her pen and start hysterically jumping onto furniture or act like rat who's completely boxed in and slamming her head against your bedroom wall, but let's face it—during the month of December for us midwesterners—the ground looks like the Hoth system and the skies look like something out of a Terminator movie. So, for hersake, and yours, it's time to get her out of the house. Encourage her to do something alone. Something girly. Something that will give her peace, quiet, and comfort.

And, while you're experiencing this newfound spirit of giving, now is the perfect time to start another project for your baby girl that will last her a lifetime. While momma's gift will be immediate, peanut's gift will be annual, for the next 18 years. Something that the two of you can make together. Something that you can make a day out of. Something that will last a lifetime. So, Week 4 is going to be all about appreciation. And, here are two things I'm planning on doing:

#1: Spa Certificate for Mom
Whether your wife is a reflector, an inner discoverer, or a get-me-out-of-the-houser, sending her to a local spa for a few hours will rejuvenate her as a woman, wife, and mother. Note: this will score you major husband points than any Value Meal you bought her when she was craving Arby's Roast Beef at 4am during her pregnancy cravings. But, don't be afraid of terms such as European Conditioning Facial, Deep Tissue Massages or Mud Bath.  Know your budget, walk into the Spa, and they will take care of the rest. To put a little icing on the cake, you can put the spa certificate into a nice card along with a wallet-sized favorite picture of Wifey and peaches together. This way, she can still have a part of Pumpkin with her while she's away and can always have a little something to remind her of the special afternoon. While this seems like its all about Mom (and you should tell her that it is, several, several times, over and over, multiple times a day), you'll get alone alone time with Pooh-Bear. Read her a book, give her tummy time on the activity mat, or introduce her to the art of watching Bob Ross or Kung Fu. Mom, alone, spa, champagne. Dad, daughter, couch, beer. It's a win-win for the whole family!

#2: Her 1st Pearl
This is a small gift that becomes larger over time. A gift that will take a few years for her to comprehend. A gift that after 18 years will remind her of why she'll always be Daddy's little girl and contain a magical deflector shield so that no boy, guy or dude will talk, touch, or even look in her direction until she is 35, maybe 40, years of age. This gift is a pearl. And every year, on the same date, I will give my daughter another pearl. And, it's going to be our day, whether I take her out to Barney's Ice Cream Hut or shopping at Woodfield Mall (and yes, I'll bring my ID when the security guards begin to think that I am way too old to be with such a young girl). Because this is something that we share, just the two of us. And when she's 18, we'll go to a local jeweler and have the pearls strung anyway that she wants them. There are many ways to wear pearls, and whether it's a pearl necklace (get your mind of the gutter), a pearl collar (no seriously, get it out of the gutter) or a pearl choker (really, even this makes you snicker?)—I want that decision to be hers. For her decision to reflect her style, her personality and her attitude when that special day comes (oh, come on now!).

Show the love and the love will be returned. Immediately or down the road. Take care of the woman who made you happier than ever and the baby who made you realize that you could cherish someone more than your wife. But remember to have fun with it. When Wife comes back from the Spa, brag to her how excited your princess got when Bob Ross painted a happy little tree or when David Carradine drop kicked a group of bad guys. Or, when purchasing her 1st pearl(s), include a picture of the two of you and see how much the two of you change over the years. See how she gets prettier and prettier, you get....wiser and wiser.

Are you doing anything for your baby girl that I can copy???? =)

Check out the previous weeks below...
Week 4: Observation
Week 3: Celebration
Week 2: Connection
Week 1: Reminiscence

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