Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Munch's Hunches: BCS BOWL GAMES

I respect Munch. He is 19 months old & he's a purist. The kid firmly believes that football only plays on Sundays. He won't watch Monday night football. He didn't even watch the games on Thanksgiving Day out of pure spite. And, he has turned his nose down to his puzzle books whenever I tune into my beloved (albeit disappointing) Hawkeyes on Saturday mornings. In fact, his favorite onesie reads "NFL: No Flaw League"on the front and "BCS: Bullsh*t Corrupted Sellouts" on the back. Like I said, he's a purist.

However, we all know Munch has two great passions in his young life: football and gambling. So, he's learned to walk a fine line when it comes to balancing these two. When I first told Munch that the college regular season was over, he waved me off with a "Good riddance." When I told him that Vegas had No. 2 'Bama giving 1 point to No. 1 LSU in the title game, his ears perked up. After some prodding, Munch compromised. "If I'm going to do this, it's going to be on the big boys. Not the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, or the Bass Pro Shops (Outdoor World) Bowl presented by the Tracker Marine Group."

Here is your Special Edition: BCS Stuntline:

Rose Bowl presented by VIZIO: #5 Oregon (11-2) vs. #9 Wisconsin (10-2)
Preview: It's absolutely sickening to see the words "presented by VIZIO" included in this bowl game title.  The one thing I actually liked about college football games were the legacy bowls keeping their names, but now, even the "Grandaddy of them All," ranks right up there with the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. It's a sad, sad state of affairs when the Tournament of Roses Parade kicks off with a Vizio "Because We Care" float containing live operators fielding calls from angry customers about their crappy products, showcases a marching band playing "Vizio, Vizio" to the tune of "Louie, Louie", and features  more than 400 horses that each have a 65" LCD TV strapped to their saddles.
Munch's Hunch: This is another reason why I hate college football, Oregon's mascot is a damn duck. Go Big Red!
StuntDad Diatribe: The state of Wisconsin has bigger and better things to worry about than this game: the Packers winning the Super Bowl, Ryan Braun busted for juicing, and identifying where the next Democratic senators hideout will be. On the other hand, what does the state of Oregon have? Recent headlines indicate their wolf population is up to 25, their zoo will soon welcome its 50th million visitor, and they were the first state to outlaw blogging by driving. Sadly, this game is the World Series, Super Bowl and NBA Finals wrapped into 60 minutes of another potential disappointment for Oregon. Third time is the charm for Oregon. Ducks quack Badgers 33-24.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #4 Stanford (11-1) vs. #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)
Preview: Do you see what they did here? Mired in scandal all year long, and instead of not getting expelled out of the BCS all together, the Fiesta Bowl actually got rewarded. Rewarded by hosting the best match up other than the title game, including the opportunity to showcase the likely No. 1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, Cardinal QB1 Andrew Luck. Great message to send to the kids BCS committee!
Munch's Hunch: Andrew Luck sounds like Mushmouth from Fat Albert. Go Cardinal!
StuntDad Diatribe: "I'm a man! I'm 40!  Still the greatest 3 minutes post-game conference tirade in the history of sports, OSU players have to love playing for Mike Gundy, because Coach will always have their back, no matter how much his players f*ck up on national television in the biggest game of the season against one of their biggest rivals. And we'll see that passion carry over in this shootout of a bowl game. The teams score more than Jerry Sandusky at a Pee Wee Football game (what—too soon?) so if you like touchdowns and think defense doesn't win championships, than tune into this wild west excuse for a football game. Cowboys spur Cardinal 45-41.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: #13 Michigan (10-2) vs. #17 Virginia Tech (11-2)
Preview: Why on Earth two teams are playing in the BCS when they are not even in the top 10 in the country is exactly the reason why college football sucks. Here's the sneak preview: this isn't about football, it's about money. Shocking, I know. Quote from the Sugar Bowl Chief Exploiting Officer, Paul Hoolahan: "We're broke and need bigger schools to make us more money." End quote.
Munch's Hunch: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X? No, Wolverine! Shnoochy, Shnoochies!
StuntDad Diatribe: If the BCS couldn't be any more pathetic, they go ahead and schedule the worst possible match-up possible. V-Tech got massacred and shot up (what—too soon?) by Clemson in their final regular season game 38-10. And, Michigan couldn't even win their own division, let alone their own conference. However, since I can't name a single Hokie, looks like Denard will run loose. Wolverines gun down Hokies 33-17.

Discover Orange Bowl: #14 Clemson (10-3) vs. #22 West Virginia (9-3)
Preview: I take back what I said about the Sugar Bowl, as this match-up is the single greatest travesty in sports. #23 in the country placing in a BCS game????!!!!! I get there are auto-bids but for God's sake, but they're not even in the top (expletive) 20!! As for Clemson getting in because they won their conference, the ACC is a basketball conference reserved for March Madness and shouldn't even be allowed to field football teams anymore since the Seminoles and Hurricanes realized that recruiting known felons was frowned upon. If more than 10 people in the country watch this pitiful excuse of a football game, then America needs to get their head out of their ass. This bowl should be renamed the Discover A Flaming Piece of Sh*t Bowl presented by Charmin Toilet Paper.
Munch's Hunch: Flaming poop? Now that's a bowl game I'd watch. Anyways, Go Tigers!
StuntDad Diatribe: I think the Preview did a pretty nice job of summing up my thoughts on this game.   Tigers claw Mountainmen 28-10.

Allstate BCS National Championship: #1 LSU (13-0) vs. #2 Alabama (11-1)
Preview: Well, well, well, the BCS actually got something right, if only because they didn't have a choice—so, giving them any credit whatsoever is actually too much. This is what college football should be about: the two best teams playing for the chance to be number 1. Their regular season game was an old-fashion, 1980-reminiscent slugfest with LSU proving that defense does win championships by winning 9-6, and proving field goal kickers actually do matter as the Alabama kicker missed 3 FGs. Its worth noting this same kicker went to the locker room after that particular game and tried to hang himself. Fortunately, he was unable to kick the stool out from under himself. (what—too soon?)
Munch's Hunch: I've always wanted to say this: Roll Tide!
StuntDad Diatribe: This is really the only game worth watching out of the 35 bowl games. No 1. vs. No. 2. SEC powerhouse vs. SEC powerhouse. Saban vs. Miles. Richardson vs. Mathieu. However, if you're looking for another game without a touchdown, sorry to disappoint. I see both offenses getting their acts together, but Les Miles using a few tricks plays to maintain their perfect season. Tigers pounce Tide 24-20. 

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