Saturday, December 31, 2011

Munch's Hunches: NFL Week 17

NFL Week 17. One of the most exciting weeks of the year. Pro Bowlers are selected or snubbed. Playoffs are on the line. Players are giving everything they have to reach their incentive bonuses are on the line. And for Munch, it becomes a real free for all. A final week where anything goes, nothing is off limits, and nothing is too sacred. Munch will be betting on every prop bet known to man: will Mark Sanchez eat a hotdog on the sidelines? what quarter will Tom Brady get yelled at by his offensive coordinator, who will be the first player to beat the crap out of Kyle Orton when he's caught "Tebowing" on the Broncos' 50 yard line? Yes, its going to be a wild weekend of Munch getting in his last regular season bets, but—truth be told—he an ulterior motive. He is dead set on buying a Fire-Red, 4WD, 6V, H2 Hummer with custom features such as black leather seats, 18" Spinner Rims, an iPad docking station, a cooler that holds 6 juice packs, a pop-up 8" flat screen TV,  and reaches speeds upwards of 50 mph. It costs just over $2,000 and is one of the most obnoxious things I've ever seen. However, the Hummer is not for functionality, it's purely for aesthetics. In fact, it's directly meant to one-up 3 year old Tommy Watkins. Watkins showed up to daycare last week in a sleek, black Escalade which had the angels of Darling Angels oohing and aahing. "It was hot. Tommy was hot. And, I had to drink three glasses of milk because even I was getting hot," blushed 2 year old Vanessa Calloway. When I explained to Munch that showing up older, popular boys to impress pretty girls was exactly the right thing to do, my little guy nodded his head and snorted, "I'm going to make that kid sh*t his pants when I roll my Humvee up in that b*tch." It was one of the most proudest moments of my life. 

The Saturday Stuntline is shaping up as...

The Early Game
Match-Up: Indianapolis (2-13) at Jacksonville (4-11)
Preview: Playoff implications? Negative. 2012 NFL Draft implications? Affirmative. If Indianapolis loses, and they get Andrew Luck. And if Jacksonville wins, they will have Peyton Manning 2.0 tormenting them for the next decade. As the owner of either team, I think it's pretty obvious of what needs to happen. If I'm Colt owner, Jim Irsay, I don't do a thing. I let my team be the crappy 2-13 team they've been all season and watch them get ridiculously smoked, pack my bags, and listen to "Some Guys Have All the Luck" over and over and over on the flight home. On the other hand, if I'm Jaguar owner Wayne Weaver, I resort to threats of violence. Anyone who wants to stretch for a first down, I tell them their legs are gonna be broken in the parking lot after the game. Anyone who wants to score a touchdown, they will be down one family member by sunset.
Munch's Hunch: Love me my MoJo. Go Jags!
Munch's Prop Bet: Number of times Andrew Luck's name gets mentioned in the game (Over/under 15): I'm taking the over. Can't you just hear Chris Collinsworth state, "Next year, Andrew Luck doesn't overthrow that receiver." 
Stunt Dad Diatribe: As unbelievable as it will be, Mr. Weaver won't have the balls to do anything but sit there and watch his team destroy the Colts. If anyone on the Colts thinks its a great idea for them to win this game then someone needs to pull a "Wyatt Earp bitch slap to Billy Bob Thornton" on them in this week's Futures Bowl. Jags maul Colts 27-7.

The Late Game
Match-Up: Baltimore (11-4) at Cincinnati (9-6)
Preview: Now this is why NFL football kicks a$$. Baltimore fighting for the division title and a first round bye in the playoffs. Cincinnati desperate to get back into the playoffs and clinch a wild card with a win. Sadly, it took nearly 2 dozen Bengals to beg, plead, and bribe their fans to come to this game. In fact, running back Cedric Benson promised that he, nor any other Bengal teammate, would get arrested this week to ensure they were at full strength. Andy Dalton even started a website called www.I' which emails a picture of Andy, and clearly a "Photoshopped-in" Boomer Esiason, to anyone who registers on the site. And finally, rookie AJ Green took out an ad in the Cincinnati Daily News that read: "Come see your new wide receiver that won't let you down. He won't smoke weed,  he won't' change his name to Uno Ocho, and he won't fall out of a moving pick-up truck." 

Munch's Hunch: Love the desperation coming out of the 'Nati. Go Bengals!
Munch's Prop Bet: Number of times Andy Dalton will be referred to as Mike McQueary (Over/under 1). I'll take the under. Cincy is stayin' classy this weekend. 
StuntDad Diatribe: The offenes are mediocre at best. Both quarterbacks aren't very good. Ray Rice only has 100 more yards than Cedric Benson. And, both teams No. 1 WRs are rookies. Where this game will be fun to watch is on the defensive side of the ball. Have you ever looked at pictures of the Ravens defenders? Terrell Suggs looks like he just got out of prison, Ed Reed looks like he's been living in the woods, and Ray Lewis looks like he just killed someone (uh, wait a second....). These 3 and the rest of their quarterback killin' crew will blow the head off of Andy "The Red Rifle" Dalton in this week's Shotgun Bowl. Ravens cage Bengals 24-21.

The Night Game 
Match-Up: Dallas (8-7) at NY Giants (8-7)
Preview:  What a way to end the regular season. Not only is the NFC East division title and a trip to the playoffs are at stake, but likely some jobs. Apparently Jerry Jones has told head coach Jason Garrett that his job is safe, regardless of the outcome; however, if the Cowboys lose, Jones will make Garrett personally fire the rest of their coaching staff immediately after the game. Dear Mr. Jones: we all knew you were a greedy weasel, but never thought that you were that much of a d*ck! On the flip side, a loss would make the Giants 2-6 in their past 8 games, and force Giants owners, John Mara & Steve Tisch,
to flip a quater as to who gets to "Glengarry Glen Ross" Tom Coughlin: "You had the team. We paid good money. You were 6-2 and just need to close. You couldn't close this year Tom. You couldn't close sh*t. In fact, you are sh*t, Tom. Hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are out!" Looking forward to seeing that one on YouTube next week!
Munch's Hunch: A-B-C. A-Always. B-Be. C-Closing. Go Cowboys!
Munch's Prop Bet: In which quarter will Tony Romo start whimpering on the sidelines? I'll take quarter 3 after he's thrown his second interception.
Stunt Dad Diatribe: Jerry Jones built a beautiful stadium. The TVs are gianormous, the urinals are clean with TVs above them, and inside each hotdog wrapper is actually a mini TV so that you can't miss any of the action. However, Jerry Jones built a crappy team, led by Tony Romo himself. He's the Phillip Rivers of the NFC: all flash and no cash. As in money. As in makes the big play. As in advances to and wins the Super Bowl. He'll go down in the record books with a ton of yards, a ton of touchdowns, but also a ton of chokes. The guy can't win the big one, which is why the Giants will take this week's Last Coach Standing Bowl. Giants stomp Cowboys: 38-21. 

Now, we turn to Stunt Dad Nation on your thoughts on these and other games from around the league.

Likes, dislikes, hits, & misses?

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