Saturday, December 17, 2011

Munch's Hunches: NFL Week 15

One minute you're on top of the world and the next minute some daycare punk is running over you with a lawn mower. Munch had to find this out the hard way after dropping all 3 picks in Week 14. Munch walked into a very quiet Darling Angels daycare on Monday morning, with most of the kids afraid to even drool after Munch's weekend debacle. Instead of waiting for someone to say something he didn't like, Munch changed the conversation before it began. "He started talking about how bad it is at the tables when smoke gets in your eyes," said Trudy Campbell. "And, that's when I asked him how he could still be gambling after, well—you know. Munch looked me square in the eyes and tells me, 'Newsflash kid: the whole world is gambling. As soon as you have to cut down on your gambling, you get labeled with a gambling problem.'" As his father, it's quite refreshing to know that my 18-month old son has life pretty much figured out before he's out of diapers. I was a little worried at how reckless he was when betting on the turn during his last couple of Hold 'Em tournaments or when he'd start hitting on 16 in Mexican Blackjack. I started to think he was some kind of madman, but he's starting to put it together. In just the past few days, he's really polished his approach and is pretty close to becoming the Don Draper of Darling Angels. In fact, when I asked what he loved most about gambling, Munch snorted, "What you call love was invented by toddlers like me, to get cupcakes. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't one." See, the kid's done some growing up this week, unlike some of the other kids mentioned below. Apples don't far fall from the tree, I guess.

The Saturday Stuntline is shaping up as...

The Early Game
Match-Up: Seattle (6-7) at Chicago (6-5)
Preview: Sam Hurd's son busted for Smartees. The son of Chicago Bear wide receive Sam Hurd was detained by Lake Forest Police Officers on Friday for allegedly purchasing massive amounts of Smartees with intent to distribute. Ironically, the 9 year old Sam Hurd Jr. doesn't fit the typical drug dealer profile. "He's a model student actually," said 4th grade English Teacher, Ms. Jefferies. "He shows up to school every day, turns in his homework on time, and tries real hard. What he does after 2:30, I really couldn't say." Most of Hurd's classmates expressed similar sentiments, stating that he was very well liked, but few really knew him outside of class. Lake Forest authorities are concerned with a recent trend in grammar schools where students have been crushing up Smartees and then snorting them through plastic straws. "I don't know where he thought to do anything like this. Surely not his parents, his dad plays football for god's sake. I mean, he doesn't actually play, but he's still on the team, I guess. So the million dollar question is: where would a 9 year old ever think to snort candy out of straw? It's ridiculous, just ridiculous," reported Lt. Hank Thames during Friday's press conference. "We've seen everything from nose bleeds to vomiting across 4 counties in the past week. Someone, and I don't know who, needs to sit down with their parents and get to the bottom of this. One of them knows something and isn't talking. I will not rest until I find someone who can be responsible for finding this out." While heading to the bathroom just after the press conference, Lt. Thames picked up the Chicago Tribune Sports section and was proud and shocked to see a) Sam Jr.'s dad was in fact still on the Bears, and b) he had finally made the paper.
Munch's Hunch: Candy, candy, candy. Yum, Yum, Yum. Go Bears!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: Seattle has two impressive wins in a row and is somehow still in contention for a playoff spot, but it will mean beating Chicago first and then a few more miracles over the next couple of weeks. But, Pete Carroll has his team believing because they are not a team that Chicago wants to face right now. The Bears have looked downright pathetic on offense since Cutler and Forte went down. It has gotten worse with each week and last week's loss to the Broncos has likely sealed their fate for the season. Put a fork in the Bears because they are done in this week's Down and Out Bowl. Seahawks Snip Bears 31-21.

The Late Game
Match-Up: New England (10-3) at Denver (8-5)
Preview: John Elway's son busted for Teabagging. Two Denver athletes have been suspended by school administrators for organizing several "squat-downs" in a tribute to the NFL sensation Tim Tebow, who said Friday that while he appreicates their boldness, the students have to obey their elders. "I think if they had good intentions, which it sounds like the boys did, then good for them to have the courage to do something different," the Denver Broncos quarterback said. Denver Prep High School administrators suspended John Elway Jr. and another student this week after organized several "Teabagging" tributes to the NFL star in their school hallway. John Jr. said that he and his friends merely wanted to pay tribute to Tebow as a "role model, leader, and winner. And, that it really didn't have anything to do with humiliating several of the female students and exposing himself to the rest of the student body." Denver Prep School Superintendent Jack Ward said in a statement that the student's actions created a potential safety hazard. "I think it's wonderful that our students look up to sports heroes such as Mr. Tebow, but we can't allow for students to insert their balls into another person's mouth because it creates unsafe situations in school. Students cannot block hallways and prevent other students from getting to class no matter what kind of sexual activity they are conducting."

Munch's Hunch: Only balls being tossed are TDs from Brady to Gronk. Go Pats!
StuntDad Diatribe: Having witness the Mile High Messiah first-hand last week in Denver as they came from behind against my beloved Bears in the last few minutes of the fourth quarter, I've got news for Tom Brady: You can't beat God. And God's muse this year is the Docile Apostle. Last year we know it was Aaron Rodgers, and this year it's T-Bowner. Besides, New England's defense is HORRIBLE and won't be able to stop the Big Tebowski in this week's The Dudes Bowl. Broncos stampede Pats 28-27.

The Night Game Match-Up: Pittsburgh (10-3) at San Francisco (10-3)
Preview: James Harrison's son busted for Concussing. The 8 year old son of Steelers linebacker James Harrison was removed from the Blackwell Bobcats flag football team against rival Campenelli Crusaders for his hit on 7 year old Jenny Olson during Wednesday's game. "Everyone knows that Jenny is a big girl—ok, she's downright huge, especially for a 7 year old—but James Jr. knows that we play flag football to protect the girls who play this game, including Jenny," said Bobcats coach Erik Arnolfsky. "I'm all for a little rough housing, but she ended up with a damn concussion." Apparently, Jenny attempted a QB draw late in the 3rd quarter, which James Jr. read perfectly, and just as Jenny crossed the line of scrimmage, James Jr.'s head flew directly into the girl's chest, just absolutely crushing her in the process. Several players on both teams claimed they heard something snap as Jenny laid on the ground unconscious for a good two minutes before Lenny Bishop, coach of the Crusaders, was able to revive her. James Jr. was immediately thrown out of the game and could only be heard saying, "It is what it is. I plan to appeal." Amazingly, Jenny Olson would return just three plays later, but to no avail as the Bobcats held onto victory 30-24. Hours later Olson was diagnosed with having a concussion. "I stand by my decision to let her play. She seemed fine to me," said Bishop.
Munch's Hunch: Hard hits is football, Go Steelers!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: Ben is hurt. Troy is hurt. Maurkice is hurt. Doesn't make for a good omen. Jim Harbaugh will get his Niners back on track with a huge win over the Steelers. Hopefully, we'll also see Jim channel his inner-self and cold-clock Mike Tomlin after the game in this week's Sons of Anarchy Bowl. Niners gold rush Steelers 17-14.

Now, we turn to Stunt Dad Nation on your thoughts on these and other games from around the league.

Likes, dislikes, hits, & misses?

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