Thursday, December 15, 2011

12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 3

On the third day of Christmas Chaos, I would like the Universe to give to me...three of Martha's friends.

Not the friends from her kitchen. I don't need help with making meals that includes words such as saffron, sage, or spice-infused. If we do any kind of food combinations over the holidays, it will be a McGangBang from McDonalds.  And, I won't be needing the the friends she made in prison either. While I'm sure they can teach me the best way to hot-glue seashells to electronic ankle bracelets, I actually made it a point to not invite any ex-con family members to Christmas. Sorry Uncle Jack!

However, to the Martha Stewart friends who know the difference between brown and nutmeg or red and crimson, who can turn every napkin in my house into a swan, or who can take years of randomly collected Christmas crap and turn our house into a living space that Pottery Barn could be envious of—I want you for Christmas. I need you actually. Between two jobs, two kids, and too little sleep—Wifey and I don't have the time, energy or desire to hang streamers of white, cut-out acorns from our rafters or make a Scandinavian-style Cedar Wreath Chandelier.

In fact, if it involves scissors or tying bows, we're probably going to take a pass. Because at the end of the day, our house is going to look like Hallmark. Not the Hallmark catalog, where family rooms and kitchens are beautifully adorned with holiday garland and amaryills centerpieces, but actually a Hallmark store. The store where crappy snow globes are crammed onto one table, a sagging fake Christmas tree is full of meaningless keepsake ornaments in the corner, and every mantel in the store contains an infinite amount of mini-Christmas Village collectibles. That will be our house. An Uncle Eddy-Clark Griswold-infused house. And, there is no good reason on Earth why we need to have a 5" porcelain Charles Dickens' Village Mini-Counting House above our fireplace.

Which is why we need the help of Martha Stewart's friends. Just 3 of them. 3 of them to cover the 3 essential parts of any home during the holidays. One to decorate the family room. One to decorate the kitchen. And, one to decorate the entry way, because as Martha always says, "The entryway is the window to your home's soul." I want my family, my friends, my neighbors, my postman, my pizza guy, and everyone else who steps into our house to see, smell, and feel Christmas. I want them leaving my home with visions of periwinkle and scarlet, the trail of potpourri, and a burning desire to drive to their local Starbucks for a Peppermint Mocha Latte.

And, it would be extra nice if they told their friends that they saw the most incredible nutmeg and crimson slip cover they had ever seen. Just sayin'...

To see previous days, click below:
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 2
12 Days of Christmas Chaos: Day 1

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