Thursday, November 8, 2012

Free Wreck it Ralph apps from GeekDad

GeekDad is offering 5 free downloads if Wreck it Ralph apps, plus reviews. 

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Monday, November 5, 2012

Illustrator dad takes drawing on lunch bags to the next level.

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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Things to do when the power goes out

Our thoughts are with all the Stunt Dads who are dealing with flooding, power outages and most important...closed schools. We would also like to share that a power outage is a great time to teach kids what life was like before 500 cable channels, Wii, X Box, iPhones and iPads. When we were kids (us Stunt Dads) we played with cardboard boxes instead of X Boxes. And when we were bored of that we played board games. We played hide and seek in the dark. We played cops and robbers with our hands and feet instead of a joystick, tag was a game and not a way to categorize a Facebook pic. we made games up, changed the rules of dodgeball so it could be played with a potatoe and enjoyed whatever our imaginations could create. All we really needed was our undivided attention to the goal of having a good time. Remember? Remember when a paper towel roll became a sword and a toilet paper roll was a telescope? Do you even remember anymore how to turn a marker into a gun by holding it over your closed fist with your thumb? Think your kid knows that one?

If you are one of the unfortunate people without power, we hope that your home is quickly restored back to normal, but also that you Stunt Dad (yes its a verb too) the moment by making the most of it and playing with your kids the way you played with your best friend a few decades ago; with imagination. Hell it sounds so good I may just flip the breaker when I get home tonight and play along.

Be safe,
Stunt Dad

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Saturday, October 27, 2012

Halloween's coming - get inspired

With Halloween just around the corner it's time to get your costumes pulled together, pull the skeletons out of the closet and get ready for the big night. We've created a Pin Board on Pinterest to get your creative juices flowing for Halloween Costume Ideas.

+ Here are 10 interesting facts about Halloween

+ 12 Treats that will get your house egg'd

+ See if your decorating is up to the challenge of Halloween light show Gangnam Style

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Friday, October 26, 2012

Work Life Balance for Working Dads

Lots of talk about the trials and tribulations for mothers trying to balance the demands of work and mommyhood. The Harvard Review sheds some light on the same challenge facing today's more engaged father... Er Stunt Dad as we call em.

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Saturday, October 20, 2012

6 Words banned from Stunt Dad dictionary

A few weeks ago a friend opened my eyes to the impact of negative language. He gave a few examples from his personal life that were compelling enough for me to give it a try both when interacting with my kids, but also at work. And just after a few weeks I can report back that the way you talk and the words you use instantly shape your existence. For that reason there are now 10 words that ate being banned from Stunt Dad vocabulary.

1. Can't
2. Don't
3. No
4. Hate
5. Wrong
6. Won't

These words are often a short cut to explaining the full truth and reason something could, should or can be. They lack insight and care. Words like can't, no and don't should be replaced with full explanations and the logic why a path or decision is ultimately detrimental. Wrong is a lazy way out of having to identify the right answer. And hate should never have been invented.

Give it a try and let us know your results. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Who had more fun? Dad or son?

We got Q-Ba-Maze 2.0 which is the next generation of marble mazes. You build a structure out of colored blocks that creates a variety of paths for marbles to tumble down. To add a challenge, you can try to build structures that resemble objects like animals. Here is my attempt at fish. And I am not sure who had more fun, the kid or the dad?
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Steve Van Zandt is a Stunt Dad...Springsteen too!

Read why here >>

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Monday, October 8, 2012

9 year old wins Texas State Fair Spam Cooking Contest

If there is one thing kids need to know before entering the fifth grade, it's how to cook Spam. And finally, 9 year olds everywhere can look to Lawson Sanders of Fort Worth as their inspiration. The acclaimed Spam cooker starting entering contests at the age of 6, and just 3 years later he has seized the coveted blue ribbon. Read more here....

Or get your Spam on with these delicious recipes..

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Level up your Halloween Costume this year...head to Washington D.C. SpyMuseum

On October 20th you can become one of the worlds most bad ass dads by taking your kid the International Spy Museum in Washington D.C. There, you and your jubilant kid(s) will the craft of disguise, spy style. Not only will you learn how to change your appearance, but to think and act like a new identity. Once the transformation is complete you will put your disguise to the test by engaging in a undercover mission.

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Sunday, October 7, 2012

Cheapest Toy Ever - Cardboard

As I was just about to throw away a bunch of boxes that were the remnants of an Ikea and Costco excursion, my boys broke out into another fight. Determined to avoid my chores I decided to divert the boys attention and mine to something a little more fun...cardboard spaceships. 2 hours in, no fights, plenty of laughs and there is still plenty of coloring, wing building and flying to go.
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Friday, October 5, 2012

Failure is not a life lesson

"Life is hard", "Pick yourself up after getting knocked down", "You can't always get what you want". Sound old and crotchety? Ya, that's because these statements are from the old dad order. And while its good to teach your kids how to deal and bounce back from failure. It's way more awesomer (shut it English snob) to talk and teach your kids about success and how to achieve it.

Don't believe me? Read the words of a successful child behavioralister.

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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Background TV, Kinda like Second Hand's bad for you

Most parents (all Stunt Dads) know that TV is bad for your kids. And most try to limit the time that kids are watching tv. However some parents don't count background TV as TV time, like having the news on or the game. The bottom line? Background TV can hurt cognitive skills as well and should be limited. Check out this article for the details.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Kids eating salt at adult-sized amounts

Why is your kid so salty? They are what they eat.

Check out this video on YouTube:

-Ben StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Toys "R" Us is getting into the tablet market - get your iPad back

Toys "R" Us has announced the release of Tabeo. A Wi-Fi tablet for kids with dozens of free and kid rated apps for entertainment and education. It will sell only at Toys "R" Us and be about $150. Also vying for your upcoming holiday frenzy, Amazon is releasing a new Kindle Fire for about the same price and Apple is rumored to have a smaller iPad set to release in October.
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Monday, September 10, 2012

5 Reasons Bedtime Might Be a Pain in the Ass

You would love to go to bed and get some extra sleep, but your kids probably fuss and want to stay up with the grown ups. If only they knew that after they go to sleep all you do is clean, pay bills, fix whatever they broke, and scourer the internet for what you are doing wrong as a parent and how to fix it-they might not be so sad to go to sleep. Find splice in that someday your revenge will come when they become parents and you get a chance to slip your grandkids chocolate chips before bedtime.

Here are five causes of bedtime frustration and what you can do about it.

1. Eating too much before dinner. While a midnight snack might help get you down, kids systems are quick to turn Mac and cheese into monster fuel. Have dinner a few hours before bedtime and avoid snacks just before bedtime.

+ A recent study indicates earlier mandated bedtimes can lower your child's chances of depression.

2. They want control. It is a normal stage in their development, but unfortunately for you it can turn into a power struggle for any parent with less than Yoda like Jedi mind control powers. The best way to deal with an assertive little one is to integrate choices into the bedtime routine. Do you want the "Dukes of Hazzard" pajamas or the "All in the Family" PJs? Would you like to go to bed at 7:30 or 7:31? This will make them feel in control and get you closer your Jedi certificate.

+ Mike Adamick's five Force moments. My favorite is number 5.

3. They are scared. While you may have spent a small fortune on those black out shades so you could get a good nights sleep, it's helping your kids imagination run wild with what might be lurking in their closet. A night light can help calm their imaginations, as well as reassuring words that you will keep them safe. Remember that this is your opportunity to he build confidence and security in your little one and that it may take a little time to help them master their fears.

+ Monsters are not scaring the piss out of your kid at night. They are wetting the bed for other reasons.

4. Caffeine. You may think that chocolate milk after a nap was ok, but experts suggest no caffeine 6 to 8 hours before bedtime. So if your kid is still napping, that means no caffeine ever.

+ The Impact of Caffeine on Children

5. Bedtime might not be early enough. While your child may seem very awake and full of energy it may be the result of being overtired. When a child is up too long their body releases a stress hormone called cortisone. So if their bedtime is continually a battle, try moving it up 30 minutes and see if things go a little soother.

+ One third of Americans are sleep deprived.

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Sunday, September 9, 2012

Free Daily Schedule Templates

It's a challenge to herd little ones all day, get them to eat their meals, brush their teeth, clean their rooms and go to bed. But I have found that if they know what to expect and have a way to visually see their day, then they put up much less of a fuss. That's what encouraged me to Google "Daily kid schedule templates" and eureka! Search and you shall find. For a wealth of free scheduling templates check out

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Monday, September 3, 2012

Timing is everything...and a great way to save cash

Someone just shared this article with me from Want to know the best time to buy a boat? March. Towels for said boat? January. Used car to get you to your second job needed to pay for said boat? April.

Check out for more on the timing of saving money.

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Finally - technology makes spelling fun and physical

A new iPhone/Android app called "Seek and Spell" turns spelling into an interactive and active game in which an open park becomes your board. You run around the park to gather letters and then spell words for points. It's a great way to get the kids outside and practice their spelling! Read more on Forbes. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Reading and writing is OK, but can your kid code?

Microsoft and NASA have a released a new version of KODU in which kids learn to code and in turn can control a Mars robot to explore the planet. Microsoft says it has a million users already which makes me wonder if instead of teaching kids Spanish or Mandarin as a second language, should we signing them up for PHP, JavaScript or .NET?

Read more on KODU... StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

One more reason not to smoke

A recent study had shown that kids admitted to the hospital with the flu have more difficulties and complications if exposed to second hand smoke at home. For parents, it is one more reason not to smoke. Read more from Reuters StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Friday, August 31, 2012

A battery of kids hospitalized...for eating batteries.

The CDC will publish a report tomorrow revealing that a large number of kids 4 and under are going to the emergency room for eating batteries. The biggest culprit is button batteries, accounting for more than half of the incidents. Bottom line...keep button batteries out of the house. Click for details... StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Don't Digress, Recess!

Slate posted a nice article about the resurgence of recess. Apparently complete dumb asses started cutting recess tears and years ago. The rationale was that kids needed more time to learn and recess was just play. Clearly those dinkleshits didn't apply themselves during recess, cuz here are the 3 things I learned in recess that are pretty darn useful to this day.

1. Subtracting time - the first thing recess taught me was how to figure out how long I had to sit at my desk and pretend to pay attention until recess. At 8:45 I still had 75 mind numbing brutal minutes to go. At 9:25i was half way to salvation and if I asked to go to the bathroom, I could kill 10 more minutes in the hallways leaving only 25 minutes of suffering left. I use this skill almost everyday as I sit in meetings staring out the window daydreaming of playing kickball.

2. The art of diversion and working as a team - when we lost our rubber ball for playing pinners on the roof, we were forced to put aside our playground differences and work as a team. We would all pitch in to create a diversion so 2 kids could sneak down to the local corner store and buy another ball. Diversions ranged from shoving matches to faked injuries and sometimes a few needed to be string together if the shop keeper took the time to count the pennies.

3. Life is a popularity contest - perhaps sad, but true, kids need to learn early that friends pick friends to be on their team. It is just as important to be fun to play (work) with as it is to be good at something...the best is when you can be both.

So if your school is talking about recess, speak up and shut the idea down. There are valuable lessons to be learned on the playground.

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Books bad for kids, say experts

As your little one heads off to school you may daydream about your little one someday becoming a surgeon, lawyer or search engine giant. But experts say all those books are bad! At least for your kids back. 13K kids were treated last year for back injuries due to their heavy backpacks. So what's a dad to do? Burn the books? Well, if you have a whole lotta gumption, encourage your school to get into the cloud and deliver homework and books via PDF files. Many bookmakers are offering schools digital versions to save the trees and your kids back, not to mention the expense of printing and shipping. But aside from changing the system, a little common sense goes a long way. Encourage your little one only to bring home what they need. It will save their little backs, and is a great opportunity to start teaching common sense. Want more tips? Check it... StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Jet Blue-the airline for kids? Or business traveller beware!!

Jet Blue is running a kids fly free promotion for up to 2 kids if you book your travel before Aug 29. The good news is that Jet blue has made it economical to take your kids on a fall trip to grandmas, or a game at Fenway. This move could also prove to be beneficial for the economy as business travelers will flock to buy expensive noise canceling headphones and will be required to get banana mush stains removed from suit jackets post flight. It's a win win... check it StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Cost of kids? Include the Tolls!

Are you keeping a running tally of how much your little ones owe you? Don't forget tolls. This easily overlooked expense on those soccer trips and "vacations" to the water park can really add up (yes we are being fatcicious). The Illinois Toll gang has created this handy tool for calculating trips and like the IPass it works in 14 states. Check it.. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Leap Frog tablet makes a giant leap forward: get your iPad back

A year ago the Leapfrog tablet was a toy that could not compare with the coolness of an iPad. And while the new Leapfrog tablet is still no match, it's way better and tailored to kids. No more worrying about what try will find on YouTube using your iPad, or deleting your app with all it's data. For 99 smackers you get video recording, music player, a touch screen, a microphone, an attached stylus and 9 hours of playtime. Nice kid friendly apps are available to turn it into a book reader, a cartoon maker and of course special Leapfrog games geared towards learning math and language skills. Check it... StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Parents top concern: slothy fat kids

A recent health survey among parents reveals that today's top parenting concern is lazy fat kids. 39 percent were concerned that their kids were not getting enough physical exercise and 38 percent were concerned about obesity. The good news is that it is an easy problem to fix. Kids naturally like running and jumping. If you cancel cable and throw away the X-Box, they won't sit on the couch anymore. Read on StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Teaching kids how not to manage money is getting expensive

CNN money reports on all thing money, including the average allowance of kids in the US. At 15 bucks per week on average parents are funding candy buying sprees, toy investments and nights out at Chuckee Cheesehead. But few are learning how to save. Less than 1% of kids are saving some of the money they earn, showing that our pee wee economy isn't much different than our grown up one. Find out more
at CNN Money

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Prep your kinderkid for 1st grade

Summer was fun, and now it is over. Your little precious isn't in Kansas anymore. Not that we are implying that all Kansasonians are still in kindergarten, obviously many have moved on to become farmers, flying monkeys and witches of both the good and bad flavor. But little Tommy, Jenny, Mikey, Lauren, Chris, er Elma has a big change coming up. 1st grade is spelled with a number, and that is NOT to be taken lightly. So hide those my baby is all growd up tears and prep your prep's game time and your little one needs to get suited up for the little big leagues.

  1. Circle time is over. Kindergarten was all about community and sharing and holding hands and looking cute for preggers on tour. 1st grade is about test scores and your teach ain't gonna waste precious moments on duck, duck goose. Jr is gonna start spending some time pushing a crayon behind a desk and if you are smart (which you are since you are reading Stunt Dad) you will get a little practice in.
  2. Leave the blankey at home. Teach may say it is ok, because teach won't have to suffer the next 7 years of having blankets hung on their locker door. If you fear taking the blankey away, get the sewing machine out and turn blankey into underwear. It works for me.
  3. Provide some trading material. When lunch rolls around you don't want your kid getting boxed out of the trading session to watch the excitement from the end of the table. Instead prep em with a score chart, and some extras for getting into the action. A candy bar to entice a big prize, and a bag of raw broccoli so they can practice their negotiating skills will do. Throw in a bag of Doritos to create a trading frenzie reminiscent of Trading Places. Don't have a score card? Remember Anything Kashi loses to veggies, veggies lose to fruit, fruit loses to yummy sandwich, sandwich loses to candy bar, Doritos takes all. 

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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Surviving The Dog Days of Summer: Kid Wash 4000

This summer has been as hot as two wookies wearing fur hats while making love at a fireplace factory. This has meant countless afternoons and weekends holed up indoors clutching the air conditioning vent. Now while I love my kids, I also need a break from being trapped like a VonTrapp in my living room.  So what's any good Stunt Dad to do? Build the best damned back yard water entertainment center that $25 and limited construction abilities will allow! Gentlemen. I present to you..The Kid Wash 4000!!!

Now before you go off and nominate me for a Nobel Peace Prize, I would like to recognize my inspiration: I think the base rule here is cut, connect glue, drill and have some fun.

Does anyone else have any ideas on how to beat the summer heat? Let us know in the comments below. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dadcorating: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Lamp

As we have stated before on Stunt Dad, kid's room decor sucks. My kids are not the typical puppy and rainbow kinds of kids...and dammit, I don't want them to be. The last thing I want to see when I go into  their room at night is a 5 foot Dora on my daughters bed or a wall of happy animals leering from across the room. So what is a dad to do? Start dadcorating!

Dadcorating can be defined as taking anything that you think is cool and modifying it to fit into your children's life (or better said...anything you think is cool, but your wife won't let you put up in your house).

Our first Dadcorating project for you is something I think any father that was raised in the 80's would appreciate: a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Lamp.

This is a really simple project. You will need:

  • A large Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure (you can find these at garage sales or on e-bay for around $10)

  • A bottle lamp kit

  • A can of white glossy spray paint

  1. Take the Ninja Turtle and pull his head off. Discard the head or your children will find it and question why you killed Donatello. 
  2. Drill a hole into the back of the turtle. Be sure the hole is small enough that the cord from the lamp kit goes in tightly. 
  3. Snake the cord up through the neck and be sure that it fits smoothly. 
  4. Take the cord out, go to a well ventilated place (or not if you like to get high off of spray paint, but you shouldn' are a dad and doing drugs is setting a bad example you freak), and spray paint the headless turtle with the the high gloss spray paint. 
  5. Wait for it to dry and put another layer on. You want it to be candy polish white when you are done. 
  6. Once it is dry, insert the cord, connect the cord to the area where the bulb goes in (I am not a trained electrician...the round thingy). I removed the cardboard piece and place the round thingy directly into the neck. It should fit perfectly. 
  7. Now all you have to do is add a bulb and voila...You have your very own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lamp...Total cost around $25 (maybe a little more if you use an Edison bulb to make it real fancy schmancy). 
Here is the final product in all of its glory.

So what do you think? Do you have any ideas for other dads that are looking to decorate their kid's room? Let us know in the comments below. Keep coming back for more Dadcorating ideas. 

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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

How to keep your kids active at the end of summer

How young is too young for your kids to cut the grass?

If it was good enough for Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn it's good enough for your kids

Lemonade stand sponsored by Stoli.

o StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Weekend getaways for them and you

You need a break from looking at the same four walls and that patch of dry grass leading up to that same front door in need of a paint job. But, packing up the kids and trying to entertain them 24/7 in a new environment with the added challenge of keeping to nap schedules is far from relaxing. Wally World will have to wait. But wait! Oh no it doesn't. Since blogs are cheap and easy to make there are some kick ass people looking to make your next trip with kids a little bit easier. Enter They do the hard work of Google searching for hotels that will watch your little ones for you while you enjoy a little downtime sans the little ones.

SO check out and then check in.
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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Top 5 Kick Ass Summer Camps for Stunt Kids

Summer camp is about 2 things, giving the parents a break from their kids and giving kids a break from their patents boring ideas of fun (eg, how about we play a family game of checkers tonight?)  Ok, it's also about exposing your children to new stuff (your kid builds the first neon checker game that features exploding pieces when one jumps an opponent),  memories to last a lifetime (your kid organizing a gambling-inspired checkers tournament that ends up netting said kid $500) and chances to make new friends (your kid playing strip checkers with the cute member of the opposite sex resulting in your kid's first kiss [or more]).

But let's face it, the local YMCA summer camp just doesn't cut it anymore. In the age of spin and innovation (spinovation) we need a new kind of summer camp. Fortunately, entrepreneurs are meeting the call and willing to take your money to give your kid an experience you wish you could have had when you were a kid. And with 6 weeks of summer left, its not going to be easy to pawn your kid off to someone for 5 days. Fear not, the fathers of StuntDad have done some research on what's left to do this summer and below are the Top 5 Kick Ass Summer Camps that still have openings before it's time your little one heads back to school.

ALL-PURPOSE CAMP: Pali Adventures in California runs a series of camps for kids ages 9 to 16 based on subjects that range from artsy fartsy like Rock Camp to James Bond stunt double. Its Extreme Action Adventure camp includes rock climbing, go-karts, dirt-bikes, sand buggies, obstacle courses and skateboarding. 

LEGO ROBOTICS CAMP: Thanks to numerous Hollywood films that clearly identify what's in store for our civilization in the next 50 years, we all know that our species is destined to become extinct by robots. So, instead of fighting our destiny, here is your (and your children's) opportunity to fulfill it. The team over at Learning Fun 101 has found a way to combine the 3 basic principles of world domination: engineering, programming and LEGOs. For ~$400, you can send your kid (K-7th) down to Austin, Texas for 5 days in the middle of August where they will learn how to build and design robots using LEGOs. Should your child not come back having designed a futuristic fighting machine, hopefully he or she built an automatic waffle maker. No prior LEGO experience is required.

SPY CAMP: If you want your child to become the next Jason Bourne, then pack up your hidden camera pen, spy camera sunglasses and exploding cufflinks, and send your kid to Diefenbunker's Spy Camp in Ontario, Canada. Since we all know that our neighbors to the North is nothing more than a breeding ground for the next great international assassin, children will go undercover for a week at the Diefenbunker and return home having mastered the skills of a real secret agent. Open to children ages 7-12, kids will get to spend 7 days during the last week of August learning how to come up with the perfect alias, creating disguises and break codes for just $225. Remember dads, there is no greater gift than teaching a son or daughter the art of espionage.

BUSINESS CAMP: To the parents who dream of their kids leading blockbuster merger and acquisition deals, identifying the next great hedge fund or conducting an IPO, than look no further than Camp BizGym. From August 14-19, kids will get to learn the true meaning of work hard, play hard as they hone their skills in the boardroom during the day and learn new skills with a surfboard at night as this session's camp takes place in Hawaii. At BizCamp, your son or daughter will learn how to be as tough as Donald Trump and as smooth as Kelly Slater while taking part in island traditions. Do you buy low or sell high on this year's pineapple harvest? Is it economically beneficial to keep the local rain forest or replace it with a shopping mall? How do you market a pig roast to the vegetarian tourist group? These challenges and more await you at BizGym 2012.

DUDE RANCH CAMP: This summer, have your child learn what it takes to become a Dude (or Dudette) at the Circle F Dude Ranch Camp in Lake Wales, FL. Space is limited for their final session of the summer, running August 5th—14th for just $1,695. From dodging paintball bullets to horseback riding manure, the activities at Circle F will turn even the dorkiest of dorks into one badass little kid. Your kid's afraid of the water? Not after the Terrifying Tube Toss ride. Your kid always picked last in sports? Not after scaling the Wrath-Inducing Rock Wall. Your kid addicted to TV & Video games? Not after being exposed to Wild, Wild, West Wilderness Program. This camp is great for kids of all ages, but is perfect for the kids whose parents are convinced their little ones were destined for bully-fodder.

What other camps do you think are interesting for kids? StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

2.0 Nostalgic Summer Ideas For Your Kids


We've come a long way since the mid-80s. Gone are the metal hair bands, jelly bracelets and bandannas—tied on anywhere (hopefully). While we all have our personal embarrassing moments from childhood, we also have the memories we want our kids to experience. The kind of memories that as the move into the toddler years, you start sharing stories that start out a lot like this, "Kid, back in my day, we used to... blah, blah, blah." Your kid proceeds to roll his eyes, tell you how lame that sounds and continue pretending that you don't exist. Just past the mid-point of Summer, it's time to think back to those favorite things you did as a kid and put a 2012 twist on them. To help get you started, below are a few of StuntDad's favorite childhood memories and how we have stunt-ified them for our little ones this summer.

A Drive-In Movie Theater in the 80s is a Lay-Out Movie Theater in 2012: Last week, we posted a Drive-In Movie Theater (DIMT) database as a way to avoid the post-4th of July blues for your little ones. If you checked out which DIMTs are in your neighborhood, you likely were disappointed as to how many were still open. I live in the Chicago suburbs and only 1 of 20 theaters within 30 miles were still functioning. However, not is lost. While DIMTs are out, Lay-Out Movie Theaters (LMOTs) are in.  Instead of exposing your children to the nearest DIMT where your nerves will be tested by the local rift-raft using illicit drugs by the water fountain, the 50 year old man in the windowless van behind you and the high school couple groping each other in the pick-up truck next to you, you have the opportunity to recreate the magic of outdoor movies in your own backyard. Thanks to the fine folks at Backyard Theater you can easily build a LOMT in the back or on the side of your house. Need a projector screen? Grab a white bed sheet. Need a projector? Buy one from Best Buy and return it within 7 days*. Need some extra cash? Spread the word to your neighbors and charge for admission, popcorn and soda.  

A Treehouse in the 80s is a Treehouse Waterpark in 2012: The cool kids on our block all had tree houses. Nearly all resembled something closer to The Simpsons fort instead of Popular Mechanics, however, none of the kids fort's featured what is needed most in the summer: WATER. We've had more days with temperatures over a 100 this summer than the past decade combined. And, it's no wonder that children don't want to cramp themselves into a 10 sq foot box of wood, 10 feet above the ground. But—what if that box of wood had an overhead sprinkler system? What if the tire swing below splashed through a waterfall? What if the slide from said box of wood had running water down it? Who needs to drive to the local pool or waterpark, when you turn on your hose (or neighbor's, if they are out of town) and turn your kids loose? First step is the treehouse. If you don't have one, visit our friends at Instructables, who have some great examples of How to Build a Treehouse. Once your box of wood is ready to go, head over to Home Depot. You will need to purchase various amounts of PVC pipes & T-connectors depending on how ambitious you want to get. If you are Bob Villa-challenged, the Depot will help ya out after you explain your vision to them. Once you've identified how many pipes you need, use a 1/16" drill bit to put holes every couple inches.  The more holes, the wetter your kids will get. Regardless of the number of soakage spots your fort contains, its guaranteed to have more than the next kid. PS: To make the $20-$50 back on the pipe-related purchases, take a cue from tip #1 and charge admission.  

A Car-cation in the 80s is a Train-cations in 2012: The lovely drives through the rolling countryside. Dad and Mom arguing endlessly on how to get back to the main county highway. Lunches of beef jerkey, Doritors and fountain sodas from gas station Kwiki Marts. Those were the days, when we'd pile into the station wagon and pick out random cities to visit, such as Springfield, Illinois' state capital. Historic? Check. Fun? Check Minus. Not only was the city itself completely uninteresting and bleak, the 3.5 hour drive was equally dismal. And back then, the car ride south would cost about $50 in gas to get there and back. Nowadays, it would be closer to $200. Instead of spending your hard earned money on less-than-interesting vacation spots, take advantage of your local Amtrak train station. You can plan out a scenic trip, without the hassles of gas or directional arguments, to a city that you've already researched, which won't bore your children to death. And, it will likely cost you less than if you would have drove. Case in point: you can take an 8-hour train ride from Chicago to the Canadian border in Michigan. International travel for less than $50 a person, with a duty free shop containing all the maple sugar and syrup a kid could ask for.

A Lemonade Stand in the 80s is a Vodka Lemonade Stand in 2012: Why should kids have all the fun? Here is an idea to make the entire family happy. Tell wifey you will be spending the afternoon in the garage constructing a homemade lemonade stand for the kiddies. She will think you are incredibly thoughtful and you will get to spend a few hours with power tools, beer and solitude. The result: by day, the kids get to spend the afternoon in front of your house selling dixie cups of lemonade for 25 cents. By night, the dixie cups are replaced with shotglasses and you get to spend the evening in front of your house selling shots of vodka lemonade for $2 to the local parents. Your kids will think you are the best dad in the world by selling their lemonade after they've gone to sleep, your neighborhood parents will appreciate a quick summer evening buzz and even your wife will think more of you than just the guys who sleeps in the same bed as her. Hell, you might even get a little nookie out of this.

*Successful attempt by Stunt Pete on July 4th of this year. Projector returned to Best Buy in its original packaging on July 8th, no questions asked!

How do you take your childhood memories and 2.0 them for your kid? StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

How do avoid the post 4th of July depression

4th of July is the climax of summer. You've gone to the beach, BBQ'd, seen some good movies, caught fireflies, spit watermelon seeds, stayed at the lake house — or wished you owned a lake house — or wish your friend would invite you to his lake house and don't know why he hasn't yet; maybe he's not that good of a friend after all, maybe he's just not that into you, or maybe he doesn't even have a lake house, maybe it's just a tent and he's too embarrassed to admit it! Anyway, come July 4th you are ready to top it all off by blowing shit up. You snuck across State lines 3 or 4 times to purchase the illegal wares, have hidden stuff in the attic, your car trunk, your golf clubs, and even in the office. Then you blow it all. You light punks, then sparklers, then smoke bombs, then firecrackers, then bottle rockets, then roman candles then you move onto the stuff that you are supposed to have a permit for until finally your wife talks you down from lighting a can of gas and shooting it into the air with a home made slingshot made from an inner tube tied between two trees. Man that was fun! But come the 5th, you have a hangover and the post 4th blues. Buck up camper! We got some sure fire (yes we said fire) ways to keep the spark in summer till the leaves fall off the trees.

Bon Fire! Treat the family to life as a caveman and make yourself a big-ass fire in the middle of a field. Make smores, sing songs, and tell spooky stories. Of course, you can't make a bon fire unless you are far from civilization, so it is the perfect excuse to get the family outside and do some camping. It's different than staying at the lake house because when you camp you either shit outside or go in a stinky out house, which makes camping the perfect teachable moment for your kids. It teaches them to do well in school so they can afford to buy themselves a lake house and never have to go without indoor plumbing again.

Drive In! Remember the last time you went to the drive in? Oh ya, that's what got you in this parenting predicament in the first place... how about your first drive in? How cool was it that you could growl like a wookie in the car and no one threw gum drops at you? How fun was it to jump off the swings when ET made the bikes fly across the moon? How sweet was it to steal a pack of cigarettes and smoke them in back of the concessions stand and then threw up in the back of your mom's Country Squire station wagon. Yeah! That was fuckin' awesome! How can you deny your children that kind of joy? Unfortunately, the invasion of cable, VHS, and super doucheplex's have all but killed that old Americana. But the Interwebs and Stunt Dad is here to help. will tell you where the nearest dying drive in is and just how much gas you have to burn and seals you have to club to give your kids the same twisted experiences you barely survived yourself. Check it out!
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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

4th Fun Free of Finger Fatalities

It's not uncommon to celebrate birthdays with barbecuing hotdogs, chicken, and hamburgers. In fact, tomorrow, on our country’s birthday, 150 million hot dogs will be consumed.  Agreed, that is a lot of lips and assholes, but I digress. What’s even more unique about America’s birthday is that it’s celebrated with fireworks, nearly a billion dollars worth, annually. That is a lot of blown up shit across our nation. And here at StuntDad, we are no strangers to 4th of July mishaps — after all, we are men, we are in our 30s, and we love fire. So when the flames go out in the grill, our passion for burning things actually intensifies and we start grabbing everything in sight to set on fire and throw. At times, we can (and have been) overzealous in our attempt to strike a match without thinking through the consequences.

Learning from the mistakes we've made in the past, here are 5 tips to stay in the game and stay out of the ER on the 4th of July.
  1. Don't stick the bottle rocket in your butt to impress your kid. It leaves a painful burn mark and we know your wife won't feel sorry for you and apply zinc oxide before bedtime. In fact, it will make her feel sorry for herself for falling for you and your childish antics. How do you Stuntify this situation and still impress your kid? Aim 'em and flame 'em! For the aspiring innovative award winners, don't start with a bottle, they're called BOTTLE rockets. You can, however, swing for the fences and use your kid's whiffle ball bat. Additional items you need: razorblade (to cut off the top of the bat), duct tape (required for any idea, regardless the situation, but in this case you will tape up the grip to prevent third degree burns) and safety glasses (our wives made us include this). If you feel like etching "Suck My Smoke or 5 Finger Freddy" as a monicker on the bat for sentiments sake, feel free. Once you're ready to torch the sky, drop the lit bottle rocket (or 'rockets" if you want to scare the shit out of your neighbors) down the wiffle bat. It offers aim (you could knock that stinking cigarette out of Uncle Larry's mouth if you really wanted to), superiority (none of your neighborhood Dads will  want to try to one up the bazooka bottle rocket launching guy) and separation (instant firewall between your skin and compressed black powder burning at one million degrees Fahrenheit (ya, our Google search for bottle rocket flame temp came up empty). Plus, you avoid exposing your hairy ass to the lovely ladies in your hood.
  2. Don't use hands or teeth to hold firecrackers in order to prove you are The Man of the party. Dishing out dares or being the sucker who accepts the bets that involve holding BlackCat firecrackers the longest with your hands or teeth will prove nothing more than you are an idiot, and you will end up looking like the three-fingered, six-tooth legend known as Billy Bob Joe Dirt. How do you Stuntify this situation and still be The Man of the party? Light 'em and flight 'em! Convince the party pyros that the fun isn't in the danger. Moreover, it's in the height, volume and size of the explosion. You're wife can attest to that, right? Wink, wink. To accurately gauge when they will explode, be sure to check the length of each wick prior to tossing them into the air, as each firecracker has a different wick length. Remember, optimal explosion height is at least 15 feet high up. It would really suck for one of those packs to land on top of someone's head, especially Uncle Moe's newest hairpiece.
  3. Don't light off roman candles in the middle of a dry corn field next to a wooden barn serving as a artisan paper factory to show-off that you are still cool. Admittedly a roaring, 25-acre bonfire is visually spectacular, however, it really blows when you find yourself in the middle of it. Despite being hotter than the Earth's molten core, you're likely to be on the hook for property damages.  How do you Stuntify this situation and still show-off that you are still cool? Sack 'em and React 'em! Our good friends at offer the biggest and baddest How To and Do-It-Yourself community where people make and share inspiring, entertaining, and useful projects, recipes, and hacks. Before your big night out with the boys, check out the Wolf Pack Popper (WPP). The WPP consists of a large amount of snappers wrapped tightly in tissue paper. Side note: this takes patience and caution as wrapping it too tight and it will explode in your face. Once you are ready to unleash the beast, light the WPP on fire and chuck it. Side note: according to the person who posted the WPP, "throw them into houses, parties, toilet stalls, etc." Needless to say, we recommend sticking to the dry corn field, where you will still get the bang!, pow!, ka-boom!, only in the opposite direction of the wooden barn.
  4. Do not create the Bucket of Bang or Firework Goolash to finish your plate.  There will be a point in the night when you've gone through the majority of your fireworks and, in looking around the lighting area, you will notice random, unused fireworks. A half dozen firecrackers here, some roman candles there, random bottle rockets laying about and you might even have several box of M-80s you forgot about in the trunk of your car. Like your momma probably reminded you, "Always finish your plate." This mantra will rise to the forefront of your pea-sized brain and you will be hungry to rid everything in one fell swoop—or match, in this case—by gathering all leftover fireworks, dumping them into a bucket or box, and setting it on fire. The potential for disaster climaxes at this very moment, where everything from your house, car or dog could be reduced to ash. How do you Stuntify this situation and still finish your plate? Load 'em and Explode 'em! Conduct your personal execution by lighting squad. Organize all of the leftover fireworks and line them in a row, preferably pointing in a direction that does not involve anything that requires insurance or a pulse. If you're the meticulous type, you can tie a string to each of the wicks and light one end. Or, if you are the lazy type, recruit enough family and friends to each grab a punk and light the assigned firework. Either way, it should set-off a dancing display of fountain fireworks that would rival the Bellagio's watershow.
  5. Do not use animals of any kind as part of your firework display to get a laugh from your friends. Whether you think no one cares about a bluegill fish or the stray cat you came across, injuring or maming a helpless animal is so far beyond morally acceptable. 350 videos appear on YouTube when you search for animal + firecracker and none of them are remotely funny, unless you think its hysterical to see the right side of a German Shepard's face blown off. How do you Stuntify this situation and still get a laugh from your friends? Scare 'em and flare 'em! If one of your buddies brings out a snake, a mouse, or anything else that is breathing, tell him you have a better idea (note: this will take a group effort and potential violence to said buddy). Do what you have to do in order to get this animal-hater duct taped to a tree. Insert fireworks into his pockets and tie a long wick that is approximately five feet long. Have the entire party come watch as you light the wick and said animal-hater wets himself and pleads for mercy. When the tears roll down his cheeks or when there is a foot left of wick let, whichever comes first, everyone sprays pre-shook up beers cans in the animal-hater's direction. Hopefully, this puts out the wick in time. Worse-case scenario, you've taught animal-hater a much needed life lesson.
Actually, since we are on the subject of mistakes, perhaps our Top 5 list of things not do to with fireworks should actually be the Top 4, since one of us StuntDads lost a thumb in 1984?

P.S. Sparklers are for chicks

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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Stunt Dad's Guide to Being Forgotten on Father's Day

The Human Pancake
Give us the tired, the poor, the forgotten dads yearning to be remembered.
As we near the end of another Father's Day, we would be remiss to think that every spouse and child(ren) remembered the one day devoted to all of the dads out there. Out of the +70 millions dads in the US alone, we would like to send a quick shout out to those who've been left hanging today.  Even if you're a deadbeat dad who was dissed by your wife and/or child(ren), we're here for ya. Even if you're a duped dad whose wife "had a business meeting" and child(ren) "had to study for a test", we've got your back. And even if you're a divorced dad whose ex has moved on and your child(ren) haven't spoken to you in months, look no further.

On the busiest day for collect calls (yep, everyone is apparently more cheap with Dad than anyone else), Stunt Dad opens its doors for those who need to vent, rant, scathe, yell, whine, whimper, cry, or scream at the one(s) who've disrespected you. Think you're wife would shrug off you forgetting Mother's Day? Think your child(ren) would understand if you forgot their birthday? Of course not.

Here your is opportunity to get even. Don't worry, these ideas won't get you arrested—you'll likely just go without sex or a birthday gift for another decade or so, but, chances are pretty high that you weren't getting much of anything in the first place if Father's Day goes unnoticed by those closest to you.

Top 5 Daddy's Day Revenge Tactics:
  1. Throw on a black tank top, and just as your wife or child takes a chug from the carton of milk, you go in for the kill. 
  2. Give your wife or child an unloaded handgun, grab a pack of Black Cat fireworks, sneak behind them, and light the match
  3. Grab the baking powder, find the hair dryer, and start dumping and dumping and dumping.
  4. Assemble a pot of egg yolks, a bag of flour, and some maple syrup, and when your wife or child is sleeping, turn 'em into a pancake.
  5. Gather the necessary Darth Vadar items, wait until the wee hours of the night, and target your wife or child with the ultimate Revenge of the Sith (feel free to edit what you say as you feel its appropriate). 
Immature? You bet. Childish? Perhaps. Juvenile? Probably. But, anyone of the these five revenge tactics will guarantee 3 things: 1) you'll stay out of jail,  2) have a great laugh, and 3) ensure that Father's Day becomes the most popular holiday in your household for the rest of your life.

Happy Father's Day, Stunt Dad Nation. 

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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

David Pogue Goes Hunting the Elements And Makes The Best Chemistry Video for Kids

David Pogue Goes Hunting the Elements And Makes The Best Chemistry Video for Kids:

Periodic table from Hunting the Elements

Here is one way to make sure your kids don't grow up thinking the elements are dirt and water, or worse, cars made by Honda. It's also a sly way to catch up on the science you forgot decades ago.

Click here to check out Hunting the Elements on Amazon StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Be a Better Kisser

Be a Better Kisser: K, we know you don't need any help, but we gotta posting quota to meet. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

You know you are a parent when...

1. You tell your boss you have to go potty.
2. You turn down back stage passes for sleep.
3. You can actually name all 4 million Thomas the Tank Engine characters.
4. Your matching skills have been reduced to accepting the notion that one black sock and one blue sock are indeed close enough to match. And you agree socks are an acceptable substitute for mittens.
5. Folding laundry is no longer considered a chore, but a long lost luxury.
6. You introduce yourself to a new co-worker as Billy's dad.
7. You know better not to push an elevator button in the presence of a child. You instead ask them to push it for you.
8. You threaten to put a perfect stranger in time out.
9. You fully understand that the people who organize grocery stores are evil SOBs.
10. Your happiest moment is a hug. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Kick Ass tree house

The Swedes are selling it as some kind of adult retreat. But I say this is the way to ensure your treehouse is the best in town.

Check out this treehouse

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Friday, May 25, 2012

Ikea Tip #1 - wife is a genius part 2

Now on post kid Ikea project #4 I feel that I am starting to move beyond apprentice Ikea assembly person to novice. But I still lag behind my wife who has come up with this trick to avoid the end of project befuddlement when you either can't find a piece or have too many pieces left over.

Before cracking open a beer and putting the tool belt (which is just for effect considering an Allen wrench is usually all that is needed) grab a muffin thinger to sort and count all the pieces. It makes getting to the pieces you need faster and helps keep count to make sure you are on target to finish with no pieces needed or left over.

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Sunday, May 20, 2012

Family rides for the summer

Thinking of getting outside with the family and leaving the Chevy behind? has gathered an amazing number of biking options from simple toddler seats, to contraptions that look more like a pedal powered Fiats than bicycles.
Check me out.

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Friday, May 18, 2012

It's Kite Season

To kick off kite season if like to share this do it yourself from howstuffworks kids.

Know of some more kite making resources or have a plan of your own? Please share!

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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Why You Will Fail At a Great Career...and mess your kids up in the process

Economist Larry Smith's evocative TED Talk warns parents not to use their family as an excuse for not pursuing your passion. Don't be a pussy. Show junior what life is about. But first, watch the video.

Big thanks to Stunt Dad Ben B. for sharing.

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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

My wife is a genius

I've had sippy cup issues for almost 4 years now. It started innocently enough. I would forget to put in the rubber regulator once in while that would prevent the sippy cup from drowning our child and letting milk spill all over kid and couch. My problem progressed as we purchased more sippy cups. They had different tops and different threads, and like socks I struggled to find the matching pair and often would result to force fitting whatever top to whatever bottom was readily available. I would strip threads on sippy cups as if they were Ikea furniture. But this morning my wife has solved my issue in one simple step. She put the sippy cup together when putting it away! I can't believe it took this long to figure that one out. Now all I have to do us stumble into the kitchen, grab assembled sippy cup, twist open, pour juice, twist top on, open beer, give kid beer, drink sippy cup.

Thanks wife, you are a genius!

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Family Days Out

Looking to get outside and do something fun for the family? Tired of the same ol' same ol'? Check out to find something new to do. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Some Daddy's Little Girl: Kate Upton Showing off Her Cat Daddy Skills

We were going to write something witty about this video, but let's face it: nothing needs to be said at all.

Find yourself a bathroom, lock the door, and enjoy.

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Friday, April 27, 2012

Dad and kids rock their way to school

A big thanks to Christos for sharing this video of an awesome dad who belts out Bohemian Rhapsody with his kids every morning on the drive to school. Starting the Day with screaming guitars and the dizzying hi notes of Freddie Mercury...that's Stunt Dad. Enjoy!

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Sunday, April 22, 2012

Want Smart Kids? Move to South Korea.

Unless the US education system has made huge advances in the last 3 years Korea, or even Poland is the place to get a good education for your kids.

While searching for good school systems I ran across this post by The Guardian lamenting the UKs slip in education. But as you can see, it's not just the UK that is falling behind in education. As of 2009 the US was 14th over all is PISA's study. Math is our biggest struggle...which means when it comes to investing in your kids, math is where it is at. With the Googles and NASAs needing number crunchers, and the education system producing less of them, it only makes sense that your kids easy button to high income jobs is to learn them some numbers. So dust off the abacus, pull the trigonometry book out from under the short leg of your workbench and start pretending like math is the new Rock and Roll.

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Product Review: Coleman LED Quad Lantern

With summer just around the corner, we have started to look into toys for the kid to play with in the backyard. Rather than buy a bunch of plastic crap that will break the minute after I spend three hours screwing it together, we are focusing on buying "imagination toys" that also have a tangible use beyond play. Our first purchase is the Coleman Quad Lantern. If you are not familiar with this amazing little lamp, then sit back and regale in what might potentially be the coolest thing I have ever bought for my children.

So here are the product description and features from

Combining an area light with four portable lanterns in a single clever unit, the Coleman LED Quad lantern is a versatile choice for indoor or outdoor use. The Quad is equipped with four removable LED panels that hold 24 LED lights total. Users can remove any of the four panels and use them independently, such as when needing a portable light for the bathroom or tent, or they can keep all four attached to the lantern and produce 190 total lumens of light. As a result, the Quad is the perfect light for group camping trips and any other occasion where folks might splinter off into smaller groups during the night. Each of the panels is a fully functioning light, with six 5mm white LEDs, a rechargeable NiMH battery, an independent on/off switch, and a top handle for carrying or hanging. The NiMH battery--which recharges when stored in the lantern base--provides up to 1.5 hours of light on its own. The lantern base, meanwhile, requires eight D-cell batteries (not included), which provide an approximate run time of 75 hours for the entire lantern. Other features include a main on/off switch located on top of the lantern, a light range of 26 feet, and a limited five-year warranty.
  • Area lantern with 4 removable LED panels that function as independent lights
  • Each LED panel includes 6 white LEDs, top handle, and rechargeable NiMH battery
  • LED panels recharge in lantern base; provides 190 lumens of light with all panels
  • Lantern base requires 8 D-cell batteries (not included); runtime of 75 hours
  • 26-foot light range; each LED panel runs for 1.5 hours per charge; 5-year warranty

So here is what I see when I read that:
  • Four lights...enough to go around for fighting
  • Bright LED light ensures that I can see the little ones when they get too far away
  • The lights recharge in the base. Let me say that again...the lights recharge in the base. No need to futz around with battery chargers, constantly searching out D batteries in drawers that have not been opened in charges in the base. 
  • Run-time of 75 hours...this means that the kids can leave these things running for at least 9 nights without having to worry about changing the lights. 
The most awesome part of this lamp is that, unlike the plastic junk toys and the lingerie my wife got as a gift for her wedding shower, this is actually going to get a lot of use in our house. We have already used it to camp in the basement, play flashlight tag, go on mystery hunts throughout the house, play transformers and more. And as the little ones get older, this "toy" will grow with them. 

Do you have any "imagination toys" that you would recommend for the Stunt Dad nation to look into? Let us know in the comments below. 
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Friday, April 20, 2012

Toddler Tossing: DOTY or DCFS?

Although this video was uploaded 4 years ago, the toddler tossing of Ben Johnson has recently been picking viral steam on YouTube. It has crossed the 200,000 view threshold and, more importantly, has caught the attention of the fine folks at the Jimmy Kimmel Show. For every comment that suggests Mr. Johnson should be nominated as DOTY (Dad Of The Year), there is a comment that requests DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) should be called.

We ask you Stunt Dad Nation—what camp are you in?

Lob the little guy or condemn the child chucker?

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Father Knows Best: Children's Parties

When the fuck did throwing a birthday party for a 5 year old require a second mortgage and some potentially unethical acts at the local state park for extra money? By the time you purchase decorations, food, random disposable cutlery and could easily be out almost $500. And that doesn't even include some random out-of-work meth head in an Elmo suit who you've paid to stumble into the backyard and wave at children (and hopefully that is all he does to them). And, what do I get for all that money? The opportunity to spend days cleaning the house? The opportunity to wait on friends and families like a sitcom butler? And the opportunity to spend hours putting together the cheap plastic pieces of shit that my child receives. When you think about it, this event is probably going to end up costing everyone involved a total of over $1,000! My first car cost $1,000. Did I mention he is only turning 5? And, did I mention he did not cure any major diseases, save anyone from a building, or even actively participate in an activity to garner any sort of celebration? He literally "survived" the nerf padded world that me and my wife have surrounded him with. So after spending too much money on these damn parties, I am making the following dadcrees (see what I did there?):
  • All future parties will be themed "Imaginary Friends"
    • "Welcome to the party. The theme is imaginary friends. Here is your imaginary gorilla with wings named Bongo. And don't forget your imaginary crown with lasers shooting out of it, and your imaginary gift bag filled with moon gold.  Also, are you allergic to imaginary monster cake? Good. Now hurry in the backyard—Gusto, the imaginary magical giraffe, will performing tricks soon. " 
  • All games and activities will involve household chores
    • "Come on Timmy, you can wash that car tire faster than Stevie!!! And Sally, don't let Linda out-vacuum you in the Vacuum 500? Oh Jesus, Billy, you are never going to win the sock folding contest with rolls like that!!"
  •  There will be a $15 cover charge
    • "Listen if you don't want to come in, that's fine, but all of the other cool kids are doing it? Did you see who is in the VIP ball pit? Yes, that is Stevie. The Stevie Jenkins. The coolest kid in kindergarten. You know he has all of the Transformer toys and his mom let's him stay up past 9:00pm...but whatever, you can stay out here on the porch."
  • The food portion of the festivities will be held at Costco during sampler hour
    • "Yes, can I get forty of those sausages on a toothpick? Yes. I was just here, but there is no signage stating there is a limit on samples. Oh, you have a problem with it? I guess you are going to have to tell Timmie that his birthday party isn't going to be a success. Go ahead. Look him dead-in-the-eye and say that your commitment to Costco is more important than his precious childhood. Shame. Shame on you. Can I get the manager? I mean, if this is how Costco is going to treat its customers, then I think I am going to have to second guess our decision to have Christmas dinner here this year." 
So what do you think? Have birthday parties gotten out of hand? Do you have any tips or ideas on how to throw a birthday party on the cheap? Let us know in the comments below. Also, if you like this article, please tell your friends, families, neighbors, fellow church members, enemies, random strangers and your cats about it. 

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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Father Knows Best: Picking Up Ladies

Let's face it, you're father did a shit job of cluing you into the truth about the how the world really works. All of the core ideas that we were taught as a child have been proven to be a complete lie or absolutely unreal in the world we currently live in. Trying is NOT as good as winning. Hard work ONLY pays off if somebody recognizes it. And unless you were born from a virgin in a manger, you are probably not going to change the world. Now before you start taking off your jacket and asking us to go outside (which, we are not judging your dad), we just want to make sure that you recognize that you need to do a little better for your little one. As the father figure, you are the fountain of truth. You have the power to break the cycle of ignorance and soul crushing emotional damage that every generation goes through. This is your opportunity to empower your spawn with the information that you would have loved to known when you were growing up.

As certified Dad Coaches (well not actually certified, more self-declared, but let's not get into the semantics here — after all, we're trying to save your child's future), we have developed an initial list of truths on topics that we believe every child should know. This week's list is focused on a topic that we all wish we would have been better at: picking up ladies.

Dating was never a topic that our fathers ever really talked to us about. The most insightful information we got was "wrap it or jack it... just don't get anyone pregnant". Now this would have been helpful... if we ever actually got a girl to be even remotely interested in us. It is hard to get somebody pregnant from across the room. The truth is, we had no idea how to meet girls, talk to girls, or even just be around them. This is were some honest advice would have come in handy. Here are 10 things that every young man should know about picking up ladies.

1. It Is All About Confidence - Fake It Till You Make It
Women love a confident man... and if they don't, make sure you pretend you don't care. I have seen men that look like they should be guarding a bridge somewhere pickup the most beautiful women by merely acting as if they should be picking them up. As a young man, you are confused about who you are. You are ashamed of your body. You are basically Woody Allen with pimples. And much like Mr. Allen, the trick is to throw all of that to the side and confidently walk into the room you own it. Teenagers are like rabid dogs, they can smell fear and once they have that scent, they will be prepared to attack. Instill in your child a sense of confidence in who they are and how they present themselves. Make them interact with people as much as possible. When out to dinner, have them order for the table. Give them the challenge to get the waitress's home town from her. Have them ask people questions as much as possible. Force them to be comfortable in their skin... all while they have no idea that you are grooming them for success. You need to Mr. Miagie to them. Teach them while they don't know they are being taught... now wax on, wax off, Danielson...

2. Chicks Dig Scars, Not Body Casts
Scientific studies conducted by Stunt Dad Inc. have proven that teenage woman are easily impressed by dumb things. The ability to jump off of a roof at a party. The ability to smash random objects on body parts including your legs and/or head. The ability to tackle an unexpecting classmate at full speed on an asphalt road. These are all guaranteed panty droppers... but make sure that you teach them not to take it too far. You want your son to be known as a daredevil, not a derelict. Make sure that they don't take the Extreme Mountain Dew lifestyle too... well ,the extreme. While asking a girl to sign your cast is cute, having them cleaning your halo brace isn't really a way to her heart.

3. Eye Contact + Smile = An Opportunity
There really is no better way to meet a girl than with direct eye contact and a smile. This idyllic unicorn and rainbow inducing moment is the perfect opportunity to approach them. Now as a father, you need to teach your son the important difference between eye contact and creepy lear. While one will get her attention, the second will get you a restraining order.

4. You Never Are Going To Get Out of The Friend Zone
We have all fallen into this trap. We meet a girl. We think that by listening to them complain about their boyfriend, letting them braid our hair, watching chick flicks in their basement, or by just being their pal, then obviously they are going to fall head over heals with us and want to jump our bones. The truth is that the Friend Zone is one of the most toxic places mankind has ever discovered. Lewis and Clark couldn't navigate the Friend Zone. Houdini couldn't get out of the friend zone. If you see your son sliding into the friend zone, it is your responsibility to throw him a life vest and pull him out. Signs you're son might be in the friend zone include: phone conversations that include phrases like "I know, he doesn't understand you" and "I'm sorry he treats you like that, you don't deserve it", painted nails and the attendance of boy band concert with a group of "friends". If you should see these signs, you need to act immediately... before it is too late.

5. Recognize the High School Hierarchy and Be Prepared To Deal With It
Jock. Prep. Soc. Nerd. Burner. Spaz. Smelly Basement Dwellers... every high school has a similar hierarchy. While this caste system might seem antiquated and unfair, the truth is it exists in every generation and it is going to continue to exist even when we have high schools on the moon. The best way to prepare your son is to make sure he recognizes this and understands the need to be able to engage in multiple spheres if he hopes to infiltrate them. If not, then he needs to be comfortable to only shop from one aisle in the store (it's a metaphor dummy).

6. John Hughes Was Full Shit
No, the hot popular girl is not sitting at school pining over the nebish boy in her Calculus class. She has no idea who he is. There is no scenario in this world where if she just got to know him after he mows her lawn or shows up with a ghetto blaster (shit, I just showed my age), I mean iPhone, blaring some sweet Peter Gabriel, she would magically fall in love with him and everything would work out perfectly in the end. Life is not a movie. The nice guy doesn't always get the girl. And there are no happy endings (well, there are, but you have to ask the massage lady if she is a cop first and then give her the nod and a wink... but that is something you might want to teach the lad a bit later).

7. Be Able To Answer the Question of Would You Bang You If You Were Her?
Admit it. As men, we have a double standard. I am sitting here rocking a pretty impressive gut while I judge women as they pass me. In high school, I never even though about how women might perceive me or my body. I just assumed that everybody wanted me... which is points in the confidence area, makes the work a little harder than needed. As a high school student, I was probably a mediocre cardiovascular routine away from being a golden god... but the truth is nobody ever clued me into that. We live in a Facebook world where people make snap judgements and move quickly onto the next thing. To survive, your boy is going to need some stopping power... and the sad thing is, this is probably the best it is going to get, so he might as well get it together now.

8. The Drunken Idiot Gets Laughs, Not Laid
"Who wants to do shots?", well everybody. "Who wants to do the drooling and mumbling idiot that just did 14 shots?", well probably nobody. And if they do, it probably isn't going to be worth it. Drinking is something that we all hope our kids won't get in to... but they probably will. Now is the time to be honest with them and warn them the dangers/pitfalls of ladies and liquor. Only two woman exist after 12:00am, Last Call Lucy and Disappointed Diane. One has a broken heart and the other has the herp... and neither of them are something that your son needs to be dealing with after a chugging contest. Give him the advice to keep it to a minimum, focus on quality, and that the man who leaves the party early leaves with no regrets... and hopefully without the herp.

9. Jesus, Just Ask Her a Question
It doesn't matter what you ask them, they will answer. Because as smart as they think they are, they're just as naive to think we actually give a crap as to what they are saying. They want to be heard, they want to be respected, and they want to be wanted. So, for 10 minutes, you can give them what they want, because this is all just an ingenious ploy to get what you want—a happy ending.  Like every great story, the hook happens within the first few pages of a book or minutes of a movie. And here's your hook: ask her questions. You can ease into it with pleasantries: "Great shoes, where did you get them?" or rush into it with humor: "Let's have a party in your great shoes and we can invite your pants." She will be so flattered you even gave her the time of day, she is likely to ignore whatever you said, and conduct a diatribe on how shitty her friends are. Let her vent, let her whine, and let her yell, because when after being allowed to speak for a few minutes, you can swoop in to be the Prince Charming that she always wanted. The hardest thing you will have to do all night is make a decision on whether or not you want to be there when she wakes up in the next morning.

10. If You Can Play Guitar, 1 Through 9 Doesn't Matter

10 and 1/2. Fake Your Death and Reappear As Ghost
It might sound creepy, but I know a guy who pulled this off—and he's a legend to this day.

What words of advice do you have? Want to share?

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