Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Father Knows Best: Picking Up Ladies

Let's face it, you're father did a shit job of cluing you into the truth about the how the world really works. All of the core ideas that we were taught as a child have been proven to be a complete lie or absolutely unreal in the world we currently live in. Trying is NOT as good as winning. Hard work ONLY pays off if somebody recognizes it. And unless you were born from a virgin in a manger, you are probably not going to change the world. Now before you start taking off your jacket and asking us to go outside (which, we are not judging your dad), we just want to make sure that you recognize that you need to do a little better for your little one. As the father figure, you are the fountain of truth. You have the power to break the cycle of ignorance and soul crushing emotional damage that every generation goes through. This is your opportunity to empower your spawn with the information that you would have loved to known when you were growing up.

As certified Dad Coaches (well not actually certified, more self-declared, but let's not get into the semantics here — after all, we're trying to save your child's future), we have developed an initial list of truths on topics that we believe every child should know. This week's list is focused on a topic that we all wish we would have been better at: picking up ladies.

Dating was never a topic that our fathers ever really talked to us about. The most insightful information we got was "wrap it or jack it... just don't get anyone pregnant". Now this would have been helpful... if we ever actually got a girl to be even remotely interested in us. It is hard to get somebody pregnant from across the room. The truth is, we had no idea how to meet girls, talk to girls, or even just be around them. This is were some honest advice would have come in handy. Here are 10 things that every young man should know about picking up ladies.

1. It Is All About Confidence - Fake It Till You Make It
Women love a confident man... and if they don't, make sure you pretend you don't care. I have seen men that look like they should be guarding a bridge somewhere pickup the most beautiful women by merely acting as if they should be picking them up. As a young man, you are confused about who you are. You are ashamed of your body. You are basically Woody Allen with pimples. And much like Mr. Allen, the trick is to throw all of that to the side and confidently walk into the room you own it. Teenagers are like rabid dogs, they can smell fear and once they have that scent, they will be prepared to attack. Instill in your child a sense of confidence in who they are and how they present themselves. Make them interact with people as much as possible. When out to dinner, have them order for the table. Give them the challenge to get the waitress's home town from her. Have them ask people questions as much as possible. Force them to be comfortable in their skin... all while they have no idea that you are grooming them for success. You need to Mr. Miagie to them. Teach them while they don't know they are being taught... now wax on, wax off, Danielson...

2. Chicks Dig Scars, Not Body Casts
Scientific studies conducted by Stunt Dad Inc. have proven that teenage woman are easily impressed by dumb things. The ability to jump off of a roof at a party. The ability to smash random objects on body parts including your legs and/or head. The ability to tackle an unexpecting classmate at full speed on an asphalt road. These are all guaranteed panty droppers... but make sure that you teach them not to take it too far. You want your son to be known as a daredevil, not a derelict. Make sure that they don't take the Extreme Mountain Dew lifestyle too... well ,the extreme. While asking a girl to sign your cast is cute, having them cleaning your halo brace isn't really a way to her heart.

3. Eye Contact + Smile = An Opportunity
There really is no better way to meet a girl than with direct eye contact and a smile. This idyllic unicorn and rainbow inducing moment is the perfect opportunity to approach them. Now as a father, you need to teach your son the important difference between eye contact and creepy lear. While one will get her attention, the second will get you a restraining order.

4. You Never Are Going To Get Out of The Friend Zone
We have all fallen into this trap. We meet a girl. We think that by listening to them complain about their boyfriend, letting them braid our hair, watching chick flicks in their basement, or by just being their pal, then obviously they are going to fall head over heals with us and want to jump our bones. The truth is that the Friend Zone is one of the most toxic places mankind has ever discovered. Lewis and Clark couldn't navigate the Friend Zone. Houdini couldn't get out of the friend zone. If you see your son sliding into the friend zone, it is your responsibility to throw him a life vest and pull him out. Signs you're son might be in the friend zone include: phone conversations that include phrases like "I know, he doesn't understand you" and "I'm sorry he treats you like that, you don't deserve it", painted nails and the attendance of boy band concert with a group of "friends". If you should see these signs, you need to act immediately... before it is too late.

5. Recognize the High School Hierarchy and Be Prepared To Deal With It
Jock. Prep. Soc. Nerd. Burner. Spaz. Smelly Basement Dwellers... every high school has a similar hierarchy. While this caste system might seem antiquated and unfair, the truth is it exists in every generation and it is going to continue to exist even when we have high schools on the moon. The best way to prepare your son is to make sure he recognizes this and understands the need to be able to engage in multiple spheres if he hopes to infiltrate them. If not, then he needs to be comfortable to only shop from one aisle in the store (it's a metaphor dummy).

6. John Hughes Was Full Shit
No, the hot popular girl is not sitting at school pining over the nebish boy in her Calculus class. She has no idea who he is. There is no scenario in this world where if she just got to know him after he mows her lawn or shows up with a ghetto blaster (shit, I just showed my age), I mean iPhone, blaring some sweet Peter Gabriel, she would magically fall in love with him and everything would work out perfectly in the end. Life is not a movie. The nice guy doesn't always get the girl. And there are no happy endings (well, there are, but you have to ask the massage lady if she is a cop first and then give her the nod and a wink... but that is something you might want to teach the lad a bit later).

7. Be Able To Answer the Question of Would You Bang You If You Were Her?
Admit it. As men, we have a double standard. I am sitting here rocking a pretty impressive gut while I judge women as they pass me. In high school, I never even though about how women might perceive me or my body. I just assumed that everybody wanted me... which is points in the confidence area, makes the work a little harder than needed. As a high school student, I was probably a mediocre cardiovascular routine away from being a golden god... but the truth is nobody ever clued me into that. We live in a Facebook world where people make snap judgements and move quickly onto the next thing. To survive, your boy is going to need some stopping power... and the sad thing is, this is probably the best it is going to get, so he might as well get it together now.

8. The Drunken Idiot Gets Laughs, Not Laid
"Who wants to do shots?", well everybody. "Who wants to do the drooling and mumbling idiot that just did 14 shots?", well probably nobody. And if they do, it probably isn't going to be worth it. Drinking is something that we all hope our kids won't get in to... but they probably will. Now is the time to be honest with them and warn them the dangers/pitfalls of ladies and liquor. Only two woman exist after 12:00am, Last Call Lucy and Disappointed Diane. One has a broken heart and the other has the herp... and neither of them are something that your son needs to be dealing with after a chugging contest. Give him the advice to keep it to a minimum, focus on quality, and that the man who leaves the party early leaves with no regrets... and hopefully without the herp.

9. Jesus, Just Ask Her a Question
It doesn't matter what you ask them, they will answer. Because as smart as they think they are, they're just as naive to think we actually give a crap as to what they are saying. They want to be heard, they want to be respected, and they want to be wanted. So, for 10 minutes, you can give them what they want, because this is all just an ingenious ploy to get what you want—a happy ending.  Like every great story, the hook happens within the first few pages of a book or minutes of a movie. And here's your hook: ask her questions. You can ease into it with pleasantries: "Great shoes, where did you get them?" or rush into it with humor: "Let's have a party in your great shoes and we can invite your pants." She will be so flattered you even gave her the time of day, she is likely to ignore whatever you said, and conduct a diatribe on how shitty her friends are. Let her vent, let her whine, and let her yell, because when after being allowed to speak for a few minutes, you can swoop in to be the Prince Charming that she always wanted. The hardest thing you will have to do all night is make a decision on whether or not you want to be there when she wakes up in the next morning.

10. If You Can Play Guitar, 1 Through 9 Doesn't Matter

10 and 1/2. Fake Your Death and Reappear As Ghost
It might sound creepy, but I know a guy who pulled this off—and he's a legend to this day.

What words of advice do you have? Want to share?

Put your comments below.

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  1. Probably the most important lesson I'd like to pass on is this:
    As you date, you find out what you CAN'T live with more than what you're really looking for. Something like this

  2. Wow. That's a classic.