Thursday, April 5, 2012

Never Take Your Kid to a Baseball Game...Ever.

Your son after he goes to his first professional baseball game.
Take us out to the ball game, buy us some peanuts and cracker jacks, we don't care if we ever come back–literally. Because if there is one thing having kids has ruined, its going to a major league baseball game.

By definition, attending a baseball game is drinking overpriced beer, eating stale hot dogs, and sitting quietly in the same seat for three hours. It's relaxing, peaceful, and as an American, its our rite of passage. Baseball is our national pastime for a reason—we love to be lazy. That's why we invented the couch and television, because we wanted to be entertained and comfortable without having to exert any energy whatsoever. And nothing is more sluggish and lethargic than spending an afternoon watching a bunch of dudes throwing and hitting baseballs.

Before kids, we could show up to the park a couple of innings late, purchase the cheapest tickets available, and sneak into the best possible seats available. For $50, we could be catered beer, nachos, and hotdogs for three hours. We could keep score, take a nap, or completely zone out off into space. It was a way to enjoy the outdoors, feel calm and be totally anxiety-free for an entire day. These long-forgotten feelings were stripped the day we had kids. And after making the mistake of "taking them out to the ball game," we quickly realized that our local baseball stadium had transformed into the 7th circle of hell. 

Below are the top 5 reasons why Dads should never consider taking children to a baseball game, under any circumstances, at any age, no matter how much junior might beg, whine, or plea.
  • 5. Money: Remember the $50 you spent? Multiple that by four, add $50 per kid, and don't forget stadium parking that will hit you up for another $25. Why, you ask? Starting with the shitty official game program that your kid won't read and throw in the garbage on the way out, to the shitty foamy finger they will wear on the way to your seats that won't be put on again, to the shitty peanuts that will give them diarrhea for the next week.
  •  4. Bathroom Breaks: be prepared to cram yourself into a stall, standing on a urine-soaked cement floor, watching your kid hover over a shit-stained toilet as he desperately tries to take a dump for an entire inning—or, let him go by himself and be potentially molested by one of the many drunk pedophiles that are lingering about. It's your call.
  • 3. Questions: Why is he bunting? Why aren't they trying to steal second base? Can I have a hot dog? Why hasn't the pitcher been pulled? Why do they make those hand signals? Can I have a Coke? What are they chewing in your mouth? Why do they always scratch themselves? Can I have cotton candy? What does it mean to be a pull hitter? Why do they have that black stuff under their eyes? Can I have ice cream? Why do they just stand there all the time? Why does one league have a DH and the other doesn't? Can I have another hot dog? You get the point. FYI: these start the exact minute you sit in your seat and does not stop until you stand up to leave.
  • 2. Foul Balls: He doesn't care that his team won, that his favorite player hit for the cycle, or if he witnesses the first perfect game in franchise history. All he really wants is a damn foul ball, and—you don't even have to catch it. It could smack some dude in the face, bounce over three rows, and roll down the aisle next to your foot. But that's considered catching a foul ball and it's all he wants: a used, beat-up, $5 object that you could have handed him in your garage.
  • 1. Language: no matter what age your child is, they will repeat at least a dozen inappropriate saying over the course of the next week. In fact, you can expect your kid to walk around the house saying randomly quoting everything thing the drunk idiots in your section were yelling at the top of their lungs for 9 innings: "Are you swining that bat or jacking it off?" or "Throw a strike b@#$h!" or "Open your f@#$ing eyes ump!"
If your kid is demanding that you take them to a baseball game this summer, we recommend the following: drive to your local high school that has free parking, sit in the free aluminum grandstands, and watch the local kids play 7 innings of baseball. No food and drinks are served, thus avoiding the chances of your kid being kidnapped or suffering from horrible bowel moments. The other people in attendance are moms, dads, and siblings of the players so there is no need to worry about your son dropping f-bombs or making masturbation jokes around the house. And because the talent level is so pitiful, your son will likely be too bored to ask more than a handful of questions. In fact, he will be so tired of watching 50 mph fastballs that he'll lose interest in catching a foul ball and want to leave by the 4th inning. Now that's what baseball with kids is all about. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

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