Friday, April 27, 2012

Dad and kids rock their way to school

A big thanks to Christos for sharing this video of an awesome dad who belts out Bohemian Rhapsody with his kids every morning on the drive to school. Starting the Day with screaming guitars and the dizzying hi notes of Freddie Mercury...that's Stunt Dad. Enjoy!

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Sunday, April 22, 2012

Want Smart Kids? Move to South Korea.

Unless the US education system has made huge advances in the last 3 years Korea, or even Poland is the place to get a good education for your kids.

While searching for good school systems I ran across this post by The Guardian lamenting the UKs slip in education. But as you can see, it's not just the UK that is falling behind in education. As of 2009 the US was 14th over all is PISA's study. Math is our biggest struggle...which means when it comes to investing in your kids, math is where it is at. With the Googles and NASAs needing number crunchers, and the education system producing less of them, it only makes sense that your kids easy button to high income jobs is to learn them some numbers. So dust off the abacus, pull the trigonometry book out from under the short leg of your workbench and start pretending like math is the new Rock and Roll.

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Product Review: Coleman LED Quad Lantern

With summer just around the corner, we have started to look into toys for the kid to play with in the backyard. Rather than buy a bunch of plastic crap that will break the minute after I spend three hours screwing it together, we are focusing on buying "imagination toys" that also have a tangible use beyond play. Our first purchase is the Coleman Quad Lantern. If you are not familiar with this amazing little lamp, then sit back and regale in what might potentially be the coolest thing I have ever bought for my children.

So here are the product description and features from

Combining an area light with four portable lanterns in a single clever unit, the Coleman LED Quad lantern is a versatile choice for indoor or outdoor use. The Quad is equipped with four removable LED panels that hold 24 LED lights total. Users can remove any of the four panels and use them independently, such as when needing a portable light for the bathroom or tent, or they can keep all four attached to the lantern and produce 190 total lumens of light. As a result, the Quad is the perfect light for group camping trips and any other occasion where folks might splinter off into smaller groups during the night. Each of the panels is a fully functioning light, with six 5mm white LEDs, a rechargeable NiMH battery, an independent on/off switch, and a top handle for carrying or hanging. The NiMH battery--which recharges when stored in the lantern base--provides up to 1.5 hours of light on its own. The lantern base, meanwhile, requires eight D-cell batteries (not included), which provide an approximate run time of 75 hours for the entire lantern. Other features include a main on/off switch located on top of the lantern, a light range of 26 feet, and a limited five-year warranty.
  • Area lantern with 4 removable LED panels that function as independent lights
  • Each LED panel includes 6 white LEDs, top handle, and rechargeable NiMH battery
  • LED panels recharge in lantern base; provides 190 lumens of light with all panels
  • Lantern base requires 8 D-cell batteries (not included); runtime of 75 hours
  • 26-foot light range; each LED panel runs for 1.5 hours per charge; 5-year warranty

So here is what I see when I read that:
  • Four lights...enough to go around for fighting
  • Bright LED light ensures that I can see the little ones when they get too far away
  • The lights recharge in the base. Let me say that again...the lights recharge in the base. No need to futz around with battery chargers, constantly searching out D batteries in drawers that have not been opened in charges in the base. 
  • Run-time of 75 hours...this means that the kids can leave these things running for at least 9 nights without having to worry about changing the lights. 
The most awesome part of this lamp is that, unlike the plastic junk toys and the lingerie my wife got as a gift for her wedding shower, this is actually going to get a lot of use in our house. We have already used it to camp in the basement, play flashlight tag, go on mystery hunts throughout the house, play transformers and more. And as the little ones get older, this "toy" will grow with them. 

Do you have any "imagination toys" that you would recommend for the Stunt Dad nation to look into? Let us know in the comments below. 
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Friday, April 20, 2012

Toddler Tossing: DOTY or DCFS?

Although this video was uploaded 4 years ago, the toddler tossing of Ben Johnson has recently been picking viral steam on YouTube. It has crossed the 200,000 view threshold and, more importantly, has caught the attention of the fine folks at the Jimmy Kimmel Show. For every comment that suggests Mr. Johnson should be nominated as DOTY (Dad Of The Year), there is a comment that requests DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) should be called.

We ask you Stunt Dad Nation—what camp are you in?

Lob the little guy or condemn the child chucker?

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Father Knows Best: Children's Parties

When the fuck did throwing a birthday party for a 5 year old require a second mortgage and some potentially unethical acts at the local state park for extra money? By the time you purchase decorations, food, random disposable cutlery and could easily be out almost $500. And that doesn't even include some random out-of-work meth head in an Elmo suit who you've paid to stumble into the backyard and wave at children (and hopefully that is all he does to them). And, what do I get for all that money? The opportunity to spend days cleaning the house? The opportunity to wait on friends and families like a sitcom butler? And the opportunity to spend hours putting together the cheap plastic pieces of shit that my child receives. When you think about it, this event is probably going to end up costing everyone involved a total of over $1,000! My first car cost $1,000. Did I mention he is only turning 5? And, did I mention he did not cure any major diseases, save anyone from a building, or even actively participate in an activity to garner any sort of celebration? He literally "survived" the nerf padded world that me and my wife have surrounded him with. So after spending too much money on these damn parties, I am making the following dadcrees (see what I did there?):
  • All future parties will be themed "Imaginary Friends"
    • "Welcome to the party. The theme is imaginary friends. Here is your imaginary gorilla with wings named Bongo. And don't forget your imaginary crown with lasers shooting out of it, and your imaginary gift bag filled with moon gold.  Also, are you allergic to imaginary monster cake? Good. Now hurry in the backyard—Gusto, the imaginary magical giraffe, will performing tricks soon. " 
  • All games and activities will involve household chores
    • "Come on Timmy, you can wash that car tire faster than Stevie!!! And Sally, don't let Linda out-vacuum you in the Vacuum 500? Oh Jesus, Billy, you are never going to win the sock folding contest with rolls like that!!"
  •  There will be a $15 cover charge
    • "Listen if you don't want to come in, that's fine, but all of the other cool kids are doing it? Did you see who is in the VIP ball pit? Yes, that is Stevie. The Stevie Jenkins. The coolest kid in kindergarten. You know he has all of the Transformer toys and his mom let's him stay up past 9:00pm...but whatever, you can stay out here on the porch."
  • The food portion of the festivities will be held at Costco during sampler hour
    • "Yes, can I get forty of those sausages on a toothpick? Yes. I was just here, but there is no signage stating there is a limit on samples. Oh, you have a problem with it? I guess you are going to have to tell Timmie that his birthday party isn't going to be a success. Go ahead. Look him dead-in-the-eye and say that your commitment to Costco is more important than his precious childhood. Shame. Shame on you. Can I get the manager? I mean, if this is how Costco is going to treat its customers, then I think I am going to have to second guess our decision to have Christmas dinner here this year." 
So what do you think? Have birthday parties gotten out of hand? Do you have any tips or ideas on how to throw a birthday party on the cheap? Let us know in the comments below. Also, if you like this article, please tell your friends, families, neighbors, fellow church members, enemies, random strangers and your cats about it. 

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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Father Knows Best: Picking Up Ladies

Let's face it, you're father did a shit job of cluing you into the truth about the how the world really works. All of the core ideas that we were taught as a child have been proven to be a complete lie or absolutely unreal in the world we currently live in. Trying is NOT as good as winning. Hard work ONLY pays off if somebody recognizes it. And unless you were born from a virgin in a manger, you are probably not going to change the world. Now before you start taking off your jacket and asking us to go outside (which, we are not judging your dad), we just want to make sure that you recognize that you need to do a little better for your little one. As the father figure, you are the fountain of truth. You have the power to break the cycle of ignorance and soul crushing emotional damage that every generation goes through. This is your opportunity to empower your spawn with the information that you would have loved to known when you were growing up.

As certified Dad Coaches (well not actually certified, more self-declared, but let's not get into the semantics here — after all, we're trying to save your child's future), we have developed an initial list of truths on topics that we believe every child should know. This week's list is focused on a topic that we all wish we would have been better at: picking up ladies.

Dating was never a topic that our fathers ever really talked to us about. The most insightful information we got was "wrap it or jack it... just don't get anyone pregnant". Now this would have been helpful... if we ever actually got a girl to be even remotely interested in us. It is hard to get somebody pregnant from across the room. The truth is, we had no idea how to meet girls, talk to girls, or even just be around them. This is were some honest advice would have come in handy. Here are 10 things that every young man should know about picking up ladies.

1. It Is All About Confidence - Fake It Till You Make It
Women love a confident man... and if they don't, make sure you pretend you don't care. I have seen men that look like they should be guarding a bridge somewhere pickup the most beautiful women by merely acting as if they should be picking them up. As a young man, you are confused about who you are. You are ashamed of your body. You are basically Woody Allen with pimples. And much like Mr. Allen, the trick is to throw all of that to the side and confidently walk into the room you own it. Teenagers are like rabid dogs, they can smell fear and once they have that scent, they will be prepared to attack. Instill in your child a sense of confidence in who they are and how they present themselves. Make them interact with people as much as possible. When out to dinner, have them order for the table. Give them the challenge to get the waitress's home town from her. Have them ask people questions as much as possible. Force them to be comfortable in their skin... all while they have no idea that you are grooming them for success. You need to Mr. Miagie to them. Teach them while they don't know they are being taught... now wax on, wax off, Danielson...

2. Chicks Dig Scars, Not Body Casts
Scientific studies conducted by Stunt Dad Inc. have proven that teenage woman are easily impressed by dumb things. The ability to jump off of a roof at a party. The ability to smash random objects on body parts including your legs and/or head. The ability to tackle an unexpecting classmate at full speed on an asphalt road. These are all guaranteed panty droppers... but make sure that you teach them not to take it too far. You want your son to be known as a daredevil, not a derelict. Make sure that they don't take the Extreme Mountain Dew lifestyle too... well ,the extreme. While asking a girl to sign your cast is cute, having them cleaning your halo brace isn't really a way to her heart.

3. Eye Contact + Smile = An Opportunity
There really is no better way to meet a girl than with direct eye contact and a smile. This idyllic unicorn and rainbow inducing moment is the perfect opportunity to approach them. Now as a father, you need to teach your son the important difference between eye contact and creepy lear. While one will get her attention, the second will get you a restraining order.

4. You Never Are Going To Get Out of The Friend Zone
We have all fallen into this trap. We meet a girl. We think that by listening to them complain about their boyfriend, letting them braid our hair, watching chick flicks in their basement, or by just being their pal, then obviously they are going to fall head over heals with us and want to jump our bones. The truth is that the Friend Zone is one of the most toxic places mankind has ever discovered. Lewis and Clark couldn't navigate the Friend Zone. Houdini couldn't get out of the friend zone. If you see your son sliding into the friend zone, it is your responsibility to throw him a life vest and pull him out. Signs you're son might be in the friend zone include: phone conversations that include phrases like "I know, he doesn't understand you" and "I'm sorry he treats you like that, you don't deserve it", painted nails and the attendance of boy band concert with a group of "friends". If you should see these signs, you need to act immediately... before it is too late.

5. Recognize the High School Hierarchy and Be Prepared To Deal With It
Jock. Prep. Soc. Nerd. Burner. Spaz. Smelly Basement Dwellers... every high school has a similar hierarchy. While this caste system might seem antiquated and unfair, the truth is it exists in every generation and it is going to continue to exist even when we have high schools on the moon. The best way to prepare your son is to make sure he recognizes this and understands the need to be able to engage in multiple spheres if he hopes to infiltrate them. If not, then he needs to be comfortable to only shop from one aisle in the store (it's a metaphor dummy).

6. John Hughes Was Full Shit
No, the hot popular girl is not sitting at school pining over the nebish boy in her Calculus class. She has no idea who he is. There is no scenario in this world where if she just got to know him after he mows her lawn or shows up with a ghetto blaster (shit, I just showed my age), I mean iPhone, blaring some sweet Peter Gabriel, she would magically fall in love with him and everything would work out perfectly in the end. Life is not a movie. The nice guy doesn't always get the girl. And there are no happy endings (well, there are, but you have to ask the massage lady if she is a cop first and then give her the nod and a wink... but that is something you might want to teach the lad a bit later).

7. Be Able To Answer the Question of Would You Bang You If You Were Her?
Admit it. As men, we have a double standard. I am sitting here rocking a pretty impressive gut while I judge women as they pass me. In high school, I never even though about how women might perceive me or my body. I just assumed that everybody wanted me... which is points in the confidence area, makes the work a little harder than needed. As a high school student, I was probably a mediocre cardiovascular routine away from being a golden god... but the truth is nobody ever clued me into that. We live in a Facebook world where people make snap judgements and move quickly onto the next thing. To survive, your boy is going to need some stopping power... and the sad thing is, this is probably the best it is going to get, so he might as well get it together now.

8. The Drunken Idiot Gets Laughs, Not Laid
"Who wants to do shots?", well everybody. "Who wants to do the drooling and mumbling idiot that just did 14 shots?", well probably nobody. And if they do, it probably isn't going to be worth it. Drinking is something that we all hope our kids won't get in to... but they probably will. Now is the time to be honest with them and warn them the dangers/pitfalls of ladies and liquor. Only two woman exist after 12:00am, Last Call Lucy and Disappointed Diane. One has a broken heart and the other has the herp... and neither of them are something that your son needs to be dealing with after a chugging contest. Give him the advice to keep it to a minimum, focus on quality, and that the man who leaves the party early leaves with no regrets... and hopefully without the herp.

9. Jesus, Just Ask Her a Question
It doesn't matter what you ask them, they will answer. Because as smart as they think they are, they're just as naive to think we actually give a crap as to what they are saying. They want to be heard, they want to be respected, and they want to be wanted. So, for 10 minutes, you can give them what they want, because this is all just an ingenious ploy to get what you want—a happy ending.  Like every great story, the hook happens within the first few pages of a book or minutes of a movie. And here's your hook: ask her questions. You can ease into it with pleasantries: "Great shoes, where did you get them?" or rush into it with humor: "Let's have a party in your great shoes and we can invite your pants." She will be so flattered you even gave her the time of day, she is likely to ignore whatever you said, and conduct a diatribe on how shitty her friends are. Let her vent, let her whine, and let her yell, because when after being allowed to speak for a few minutes, you can swoop in to be the Prince Charming that she always wanted. The hardest thing you will have to do all night is make a decision on whether or not you want to be there when she wakes up in the next morning.

10. If You Can Play Guitar, 1 Through 9 Doesn't Matter

10 and 1/2. Fake Your Death and Reappear As Ghost
It might sound creepy, but I know a guy who pulled this off—and he's a legend to this day.

What words of advice do you have? Want to share?

Put your comments below.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

With a bottle of White Vinegar...

Scenario: It's 2am and your kid just  puked all over the bed, the floor, the bathroom, your shoes, you and the dog. You, your house, your kid and your dog smell of kid puke. The mess, the smell, the interrupted sleep are of no circumstance to you. You are Stunt Dad. You can handle it. You stand in the shower with your kid clothes and all, wipe off the tears and tell him everything is gonna be alright. You help him put on a fresh pair of vintage Starsky and Hutch PJs, take his temp, and hide the worry while you rock all 35 pounds of him back to sleep by singing the sweetest rendition of No Woman No Cry that has ever ever been performed in tighty whiteys. And even though your arms are burning like you are curling 50lb dumbells at the gym, you fight through it and make sure to vamp extra long on "everything's gonna be alright". Once your buddy is sound asleep and on the mend you have to move quick. The faster you clean up, the more sleep you get before the sun rises, the better you do at work, the more money you make, the more you pay grandpa and grandma to watch the kids on Saturday nights so you and the wife can grab dinner out and get it on like you once did when your only responsibilities in life were making each other smile and planning your next vacation. With all that on the line it's no time for fancy gadgets and a cart of cleaning supplies. Stunt Dad's need clean messes as fast as they are made, if not faster.  So Grab a T-Shirt, and a gallon of White Vinegar . Vinegar is the cleaner of choice for old school pros. It's cheap, effective and safe.  It's Stuntastic. You add 1/4 cup of vinegar to a bucket of hot water. Wipe off the toys in the yellow puke road to disinfect, mop the floor, scrub the carpets, throw the blankets and sheets into the washing machine with another 1/4 cup, spray vinegar on the windows to clean up the projectile remnants and wipe with newspapers. You can even use it in your dishwasher, as well as wash off pesticides from your fruit with it. And if your kid takes a swig, it won't be a big deal he'll just puke...again and your cleaning supplies will already be there waiting for you. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Welcome to Egg Hunt. The first rule of Egg Hunt is: you do not talk about Egg Hunt.

The Easter Egg Found on Fight Club
Sunday is Easter, and we will be celebrating Stunt Dad style. No church, no house of worship, no temple. This is for you—and only you, Stunt Dad Nation.

Welcome to Egg Hunt. The first rule of Egg Hunt is: you do not talk about Egg Hunt. The second rule of Egg Hunt is: you DO NOT talk about Egg Hunt! Third rule of Egg Hunt: someone yells "stop!", goes limp, taps out, the hunt is over. Fourth rule: only two guys to a hunt. Fifth rule: one hunt at a time, fellas. Sixth rule: No shirts, no shoes. Seventh rule: hunts will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first time at Egg Hunt, you have to hunt.

Your hunt is for a virtual Easter Egg. It begins with locating an inside joke, hidden message, or secret message that has been placed in any form of media: film, music, video game, website, book, etc. Once you have identified your Easter Egg, you will post it as a comment below.

Here is your first and only example:
  • Movie: Fight Club 
  • Description: On disc 2, you can click the advertising header and press the down arrow 3 times; a green smile face will appear. Clicking on the "enter" button will take you to some unique movie merchandise and some memorable descriptions.  
  • Easter Egg: a T-shirt featuring the description of: Be the toughest hombre on the golf course with this fashionable remake of a classic polo.
You are not Easter. You're not how many eggs you have in your basket. You're not the contents of your plastic Easter eggs. You're not your fucking Easter Bunny Costume. You're the all-thumping, all-hopping rabbit dropping of the world.

Happy hunting Stunt Dad Nation. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Never Take Your Kid to a Baseball Game...Ever.

Your son after he goes to his first professional baseball game.
Take us out to the ball game, buy us some peanuts and cracker jacks, we don't care if we ever come back–literally. Because if there is one thing having kids has ruined, its going to a major league baseball game.

By definition, attending a baseball game is drinking overpriced beer, eating stale hot dogs, and sitting quietly in the same seat for three hours. It's relaxing, peaceful, and as an American, its our rite of passage. Baseball is our national pastime for a reason—we love to be lazy. That's why we invented the couch and television, because we wanted to be entertained and comfortable without having to exert any energy whatsoever. And nothing is more sluggish and lethargic than spending an afternoon watching a bunch of dudes throwing and hitting baseballs.

Before kids, we could show up to the park a couple of innings late, purchase the cheapest tickets available, and sneak into the best possible seats available. For $50, we could be catered beer, nachos, and hotdogs for three hours. We could keep score, take a nap, or completely zone out off into space. It was a way to enjoy the outdoors, feel calm and be totally anxiety-free for an entire day. These long-forgotten feelings were stripped the day we had kids. And after making the mistake of "taking them out to the ball game," we quickly realized that our local baseball stadium had transformed into the 7th circle of hell. 

Below are the top 5 reasons why Dads should never consider taking children to a baseball game, under any circumstances, at any age, no matter how much junior might beg, whine, or plea.
  • 5. Money: Remember the $50 you spent? Multiple that by four, add $50 per kid, and don't forget stadium parking that will hit you up for another $25. Why, you ask? Starting with the shitty official game program that your kid won't read and throw in the garbage on the way out, to the shitty foamy finger they will wear on the way to your seats that won't be put on again, to the shitty peanuts that will give them diarrhea for the next week.
  •  4. Bathroom Breaks: be prepared to cram yourself into a stall, standing on a urine-soaked cement floor, watching your kid hover over a shit-stained toilet as he desperately tries to take a dump for an entire inning—or, let him go by himself and be potentially molested by one of the many drunk pedophiles that are lingering about. It's your call.
  • 3. Questions: Why is he bunting? Why aren't they trying to steal second base? Can I have a hot dog? Why hasn't the pitcher been pulled? Why do they make those hand signals? Can I have a Coke? What are they chewing in your mouth? Why do they always scratch themselves? Can I have cotton candy? What does it mean to be a pull hitter? Why do they have that black stuff under their eyes? Can I have ice cream? Why do they just stand there all the time? Why does one league have a DH and the other doesn't? Can I have another hot dog? You get the point. FYI: these start the exact minute you sit in your seat and does not stop until you stand up to leave.
  • 2. Foul Balls: He doesn't care that his team won, that his favorite player hit for the cycle, or if he witnesses the first perfect game in franchise history. All he really wants is a damn foul ball, and—you don't even have to catch it. It could smack some dude in the face, bounce over three rows, and roll down the aisle next to your foot. But that's considered catching a foul ball and it's all he wants: a used, beat-up, $5 object that you could have handed him in your garage.
  • 1. Language: no matter what age your child is, they will repeat at least a dozen inappropriate saying over the course of the next week. In fact, you can expect your kid to walk around the house saying randomly quoting everything thing the drunk idiots in your section were yelling at the top of their lungs for 9 innings: "Are you swining that bat or jacking it off?" or "Throw a strike b@#$h!" or "Open your f@#$ing eyes ump!"
If your kid is demanding that you take them to a baseball game this summer, we recommend the following: drive to your local high school that has free parking, sit in the free aluminum grandstands, and watch the local kids play 7 innings of baseball. No food and drinks are served, thus avoiding the chances of your kid being kidnapped or suffering from horrible bowel moments. The other people in attendance are moms, dads, and siblings of the players so there is no need to worry about your son dropping f-bombs or making masturbation jokes around the house. And because the talent level is so pitiful, your son will likely be too bored to ask more than a handful of questions. In fact, he will be so tired of watching 50 mph fastballs that he'll lose interest in catching a foul ball and want to leave by the 4th inning. Now that's what baseball with kids is all about. StumbleUpon Pin It Now!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

March Dadness Round 3 Results - Meet The Final 4!

What tumultuous month it has been in TV land. 32 Dads have fought tooth and nail and now only 4 dads remain in the hunt for the SIPPY Cup. Will Walter White beat favorite Mike Brady? Will Rick Grimes mop the floor with Louie C. K.? Tune in to find out who will win the SIPPY Cup! And download your own copy of the bracket to date.

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