Father Knows Best: Children's Parties

When the fuck did throwing a birthday party for a 5 year old require a second mortgage and some potentially unethical acts at the local state park for extra money? By the time you purchase decorations, food, random disposable cutlery and gifts...you could easily be out almost $500. And that doesn't even include some random out-of-work meth head in an Elmo suit who you've paid to stumble into the backyard and wave at children (and hopefully that is all he does to them). And, what do I get for all that money? The opportunity to spend days cleaning the house? The opportunity to wait on friends and families like a sitcom butler? And the opportunity to spend hours putting together the cheap plastic pieces of shit that my child receives. When you think about it, this event is probably going to end up costing everyone involved a total of over $1,000! My first car cost $1,000. Did I mention he is only turning 5? And, did I mention he did not cure any major diseases, save anyone from a building, or even actively participate in an activity to garner any sort of celebration? He literally "survived" the nerf padded world that me and my wife have surrounded him with. So after spending too much money on these damn parties, I am making the following dadcrees (see what I did there?):

• All future parties will be themed "Imaginary Friends"
• "Welcome to the party. The theme is imaginary friends. Here is your imaginary gorilla with wings named Bongo. And don't forget your imaginary crown with lasers shooting out of it, and your imaginary gift bag filled with moon gold.  Also, are you allergic to imaginary monster cake? Good. Now hurry in the backyard—Gusto, the imaginary magical giraffe, will performing tricks soon. " 
• All games and activities will involve household chores
• "Come on Timmy, you can wash that car tire faster than Stevie!!! And Sally, don't let Linda out-vacuum you in the Vacuum 500? Oh Jesus, Billy, you are never going to win the sock folding contest with rolls like that!!"
•  There will be a $15 cover charge
• "Listen if you don't want to come in, that's fine, but all of the other cool kids are doing it? Did you see who is in the VIP ball pit? Yes, that is Stevie. The Stevie Jenkins. The coolest kid in kindergarten. You know he has all of the Transformer toys and his mom let's him stay up past 9:00pm...but whatever, you can stay out here on the porch."
• The food portion of the festivities will be held at Costco during sampler hour
• "Yes, can I get forty of those sausages on a toothpick? Yes. I was just here, but there is no signage stating there is a limit on samples. Oh, you have a problem with it? I guess you are going to have to tell Timmie that his birthday party isn't going to be a success. Go ahead. Look him dead-in-the-eye and say that your commitment to Costco is more important than his precious childhood. Shame. Shame on you. Can I get the manager? I mean, if this is how Costco is going to treat its customers, then I think I am going to have to second guess our decision to have Christmas dinner here this year." 

So what do you think? Have birthday parties gotten out of hand? Do you have any tips or ideas on how to throw a birthday party on the cheap? Let us know in the comments below. Also, if you like this article, please tell your friends, families, neighbors, fellow church members, enemies, random strangers and your cats about it. 

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