Tuesday, July 10, 2012

How do avoid the post 4th of July depression

4th of July is the climax of summer. You've gone to the beach, BBQ'd, seen some good movies, caught fireflies, spit watermelon seeds, stayed at the lake house — or wished you owned a lake house — or wish your friend would invite you to his lake house and don't know why he hasn't yet; maybe he's not that good of a friend after all, maybe he's just not that into you, or maybe he doesn't even have a lake house, maybe it's just a tent and he's too embarrassed to admit it! Anyway, come July 4th you are ready to top it all off by blowing shit up. You snuck across State lines 3 or 4 times to purchase the illegal wares, have hidden stuff in the attic, your car trunk, your golf clubs, and even in the office. Then you blow it all. You light punks, then sparklers, then smoke bombs, then firecrackers, then bottle rockets, then roman candles then you move onto the stuff that you are supposed to have a permit for until finally your wife talks you down from lighting a can of gas and shooting it into the air with a home made slingshot made from an inner tube tied between two trees. Man that was fun! But come the 5th, you have a hangover and the post 4th blues. Buck up camper! We got some sure fire (yes we said fire) ways to keep the spark in summer till the leaves fall off the trees.

Bon Fire! Treat the family to life as a caveman and make yourself a big-ass fire in the middle of a field. Make smores, sing songs, and tell spooky stories. Of course, you can't make a bon fire unless you are far from civilization, so it is the perfect excuse to get the family outside and do some camping. It's different than staying at the lake house because when you camp you either shit outside or go in a stinky out house, which makes camping the perfect teachable moment for your kids. It teaches them to do well in school so they can afford to buy themselves a lake house and never have to go without indoor plumbing again.

Drive In! Remember the last time you went to the drive in? Oh ya, that's what got you in this parenting predicament in the first place... how about your first drive in? How cool was it that you could growl like a wookie in the car and no one threw gum drops at you? How fun was it to jump off the swings when ET made the bikes fly across the moon? How sweet was it to steal a pack of cigarettes and smoke them in back of the concessions stand and then threw up in the back of your mom's Country Squire station wagon. Yeah! That was fuckin' awesome! How can you deny your children that kind of joy? Unfortunately, the invasion of cable, VHS, and super doucheplex's have all but killed that old Americana. But the Interwebs and Stunt Dad is here to help. http://www.drive-ins.com/database.htm will tell you where the nearest dying drive in is and just how much gas you have to burn and seals you have to club to give your kids the same twisted experiences you barely survived yourself. Check it out!
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