Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Clothes Make The Little Man

I never thought that I would actually care what my children would wear. I can remember thinking "Cut a couple of holes in a potato sack and we are good to go." But I have to admit, that I really do try to ensure that my kids are dressed in a way that accentuates their personality and maybe most importantly, ensures that the world knows that their pops is not a d-bag. In the Stunt Chad house, we have a couple of rules when it comes to clothing:

1. No Sayings: There is nothing I hate more then to see children wearing "funny" shirts that celebrate their parent's ignorance or play into the whole "My little Timmy is such a scamp..." attitude. I swear to you these are "sayings" on t-shirts I have seen children wearing:
  • Shut Up, I'm Thinking About It
  • My Daddy Can Beat Up Your Daddy
  • I Pee In The Pool
  • It's My Brother's Fault
  • They Spank Me
What the hell is going on in this home? We have an indecisive child with an abusive father that has scared the child to the point of urinating in public, who in turn transfers most of his issues onto his brother and in the end admits to the fact that he is beaten in his own home... "funny" huh? If you see a child wearing any of these "funny" shirts you should slide them the number for DCFS and let them know about the exciting career opportunities that await them if they were to run away with the Circus now.

I guess I am not the only one that feels this way because there has been lots of press about this issue lately:
  • JCPenney recently was forced to pull a girls shirt that stated "I'm too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for me". Wow. What's next.."I'm too pretty to do taxes, so my pimp does them for me?"
  • BadIdeaTShirts.com is exactly what they say they are. Yahoo Shine recently highlighted one of their "clever" shirts for young ladies, "Admit It You'd Go To Jail For This". The thing I would like to point out is that they emphasize that youth sizes are available! Great. I wouldn't want to my little one to look sloppy when they are out advertising pedophilia. Unless this shirt is being used as a ploy by Chris Hansen and the cast of To Catch a Predator, then I can't think of one single reason for this shirt to exist.
2. Nothing White: I have a secret to share with you...children are disgusting. They have a unique ability to find ways to dirty themselves regardless of the steps you take. Unless you are planning on wrapping little Stevie in plastic wrap, that white linen suit is destined to look like a Jackson Pollack painting within the hour. Stick to blacks, blues and earth tones. Trust me, they are great camouflage for boogers, spills and stains.

3. Nothing You Wouldn't Be Embarrassed To Wear Yourself: So the wife brings home an "adorable" sailor suit to put Junior in the the next time you go to the beach...if you have any love for your child you will promptly take it to the garbage. Your children are a walking talking billboard that tell the world what you believe and who you are. The minute you shove your child into overalls and trucker cap, you have officially told the world "Hi, I am a d-bag and my wife has too much time on her hands. I really should have gotten her some dolls to play with, but we had too much to drink after the Nickleback concert and here we are...".

These are three simple rules to live by. Remember, the clothes make the little man — and they are also a direct reflection on the big man.

What are your thoughts on clothes for your kids? Do you get involved in the purchase decisions? What is the worst thing you have ever seen your wife bring home? Discuss.

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