Saturday, February 11, 2012

My Newborn Daughter, The Future Kung Fu Master

Mysterio Predicts T-Shirts
My daughter is going to kick your kid's ass someday.

Not out of spite nor hate, but because it's—her destiny! Thanks to the amazing, almost downright scary Mysterio, my daughter's path in life will follow some of the greatest action heroes of our generation:  Bruce Lee, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Ralph Macchio. That's because occupation predictor Mysterio has bestowed my daughter's fate on a t-shirt: KUNG-FU MASTER.

At first, I was a little taken aback. I was expecting a softer, more girl-friendly prediction from Mysterio. Cruise director? Sure, she could see the world! Donut Tycoon? Sweet, long johns for life! Professional bowler? Heck yeah, we got ourselves an athlete! But—Kung-Fu Master?

My 1st thought was: well, it looks like she's going to be a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that, and not that I think all women who study martial arts are lesbians, it's just something that popped into my head. My 2nd thought was: well, at least she will be able to beat the sh*t out of people.

And that's when I really got excited. That thought alone got me so jazzed up that I got into our car, drove to Target, and purchased Kung Fu Panda and Kung Fun Panda 2. My little girl needed to start her training for the Kumite. And with my little girl being only 3 months old, I figured that I will start her on some Kung Fu cartoons before we started her on the Bloodsport marathon. Because my 3rd thought was: ass-kicker=intimidation=no BOYS will mess with her!

So if you have a bun in the oven or know of someone who will be expecting soon, here is the perfect gift you can give that newborn: a true sense of identity from Day 1. And, if Mysterio does predict him or her to be a Criminal Mastermind, give me a call because I will be raising the perfect sidekick/bodyguard. Together they can achieve what most of us only wish for: world domination.

What would you want Mysterio to predict for your little one: Romance novelist? Monkey wrangler? Conspiracy nut?

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