Saturday, January 14, 2012

Munch's Hunches: NFL Divisional Playoffs

From coast to coast, Tim Tebow has become a phenomenon, and America is cashing in. Church attendance is up, Jockey underwear sales have never been higher, and early buzz coming out of Darling Angels Daycare is that they anticipate 2012 revenue to reach an all-time high, thanks in large part to my son, Munch. Last Sunday, the 20-month Munch organized a "Tebowl-a-rama" to raise money for a new big screen at Darling Angels. With more than 200 parents showing up, not only did they secure enough funds to purchase a 100" projector TV, but Munch's out-of-the-box "Tebowchickawowow" game generated more than $50,000. The game featured a shirtless Tim Tebow look-a-like conducting private dances for each of the ladies who donated $1 per every yard the real Tim Tebow threw. Only Munch's combination of football foresight and marketing magic could have predicted what happens when you string together a group of moms, a buff, spikey hair 20 year old, and a quarterback who ended up throwing for a career-high 319 yards. The owners of daycare are extremely excited for Saturday night's "Tebowchelorette," where 50 local men (who each donated $100) will compete for the opportunity to go on a date with a girl who once went on a date with Tim Tebow at the University of Florida. With all of the cash that Munch is bringing into Darling Angels, even the resident hottie, 2-year old Vanessa Calloway, has taken notice, "He's got the savvy of James Dean, the business sense of Jay-Z and the street smarts of Phil Hellmuth. What more could a girl want?"

The Saturday Game
Match-Up: New Orleans (14-3) at San Francisco (13-3)
Preview: Alex Smith suffers "Tebowel movement" in practice. After throwing a long touchdown pass during Friday's practice, 49er quarterback Alex Smith mocked Tim Tebow—and paid the price. As Smith got down on knee and raised his fist to his forehead, a large rumble was heard throughout the indoor practice facility, followed by the quarterback sh*tting himself on the 40 yard line. "The entire building seemed to shake, and that's when I saw it," said linebacker Patrick Willis. "I've never seen dookie actually seep through pants before. He made a real mess of himself." Smith was carted off the field and taken to a local hospital, where, upon examination, he was diagnosed with Irritable Tebowel Syndrome.
Munch's Hunch: Saint Go Marching In!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: New Orleans have been coasting, looking unstoppable for the past month. However, they are not an outdoor stadium team. And Candlestick is not an easy place to play this year, as the Niners are 7-1. SF will also bring a defense unlike any Drew Brees has seen this season, and Patrick Willis has personally guaranteed that Brees will not throw for more than 300 yards. Look for the Niners to shut down the Saints running attack and get a big defensive touchdown in this week's Fog Bowl. Niners gold rush Saints 24-21.

The Sunday Game
Match-Up: Houston (10-6) at Baltimore (12-4)
Preview: Joe Flacco give a Tebowjob to young fan. He was handsome. He had a great smile. And, he was 18. Which was good enough for Ravens quarterback, Joe Flacco, as he proceeded to give the University of Maryland freshman a Tebowjob. The man, who preferred to remain anonymous, was forced against at all, directed to close his eyes, and stick out his hands. Flacco then proceeded to start shoving communion wafers in his mouth and had the college student recite the Lord's prayer until he admitted that Tim Tebow does belong in the NFL. It's refreshing to see that these NFL quarterbacks really do stick together.
Munch's Hunch: Quote the Raven, More More More!
Stunt Dad Diatribe: I don't like TJ Yates especially, but I love Arian Foster and its impossible not to love Andre Johnson. Plus, they are one of two teams (Steelers) to actually have a better defense than the Ravens. Joe Flacco is a disaster waiting to happen every game, and Sunday will show a colossal meltdown from the inconsistent QB. Look for the Texans to shut down the Ravens in this week's Bowl. Texans lasso Ravens 27-23.

Now, we turn to Stunt Dad Nation on your thoughts on this analysis.

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