Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Judge, Jury, Stuntecutioner: Honey Boo Boo's "Mother"

The Case: The People vs. Honey Boo Boo's Mother

The Charges: Gross Negligence and Potential Parent Pimpentry

The Plaintiff: June "The Coupon Queen" Hollar

The Evidence: 

The Prosecution: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... I stand before you, a man baffled as to where even to begin. As you saw in the video, Ms. Hollar is what is traditionally called a "pageant" mom. I have before me over 600 pages of things that I deem to be wrong with what Ms. Hallar is doing, but due to the lack of time we have here today, I will provide you with an abridged overview:

  1. Pimping Out Her Daughter For Money to Buy Packaged Goods in Bulk 
    • Holy schnikies!! Did you see their house? It is filled wall-to-wall with packaged goods. For the love of god, they were playing with surplus rolls of paper towels for entertainment! This woman has either an extreme obsessive compulsive problem or she is a frequent shoplifter at her local Piggly Wiggly. I know that the defense will say that she is practicing good fiscal responsibility by stocking up to save money, but I think even Susie Orman would call this this excessive. I am not even sure what this has to do with her parenting skills other than the fact that the little girl has no toys in her room, but rather, has ample access to laundry detergent. The video never references the parents' careers, but based upon what I have seen thus far, I can only assume that it does not include fitness instruction, hair styling, teeth cleaning, or counting above 13.
  2. Training Her Daughter To Act Like the Sassy Neighbor on a Bad Sitcom
    • Statements like "Them other girls must beare crazy if they think they are meeting me honey boo boo child." and "A Dollar Makes Me Hollar Honey Boo Boo." cannot even be conceived by a child... or even a mature adult for that matter. This sounds like something that would be written by the staff of Sex and the City, or a couple of redneck mothers sweating to some oldies at the local Curves. 
    • The excessive hand and head motions that go along with every statement are something that are not natural. Either she has a mother coaching her or she is the reincarnation of Jack√©e's character, Sandra Clark, from 227... and she isn't even dead yet.
  3. Providing Her Daughter Stimulants In an Effort To Enhance Her Performance 
    • "But all the other cool pageant mom's are doing it" is not an appropriate response to accusations of drugging a child to win a contest. What's next if the Mt. Dew stops working? Maybe a little trucker speed? Maybe the the child needs some encouragement for the next spelling bee? Is Ms. Hollar going to provide her an espresso? According to the American Heart Association, Children ages 4 to 8 should consume less sugar---about 12.5 g per day.

      The 20oz bottle of "Go-Go juice" contains over 77g of sugar. That would almost be 7 times the daily recommend amount. 7 times!!! And that is only if she drinks one. I understand that Ms. Hollar's  father was involved in the original advertising (see below), but that is no excuse to allow her child to gulp it down.

  4. Being Ignorant Enough To Not Recognize That TLC Is Making Fun of Both Her and Her Daughter 
    • From the wide shots of their house next to the train tracks to the oh-so feminine belch, TLC is obviously trying to paint the Hollar family as trailer trash (even if their house does not have wheels). At one point during the interview with the daughter where she grabs her belly, you can actually hear the camera crew laughing at her. I am sure that Ms. Hollar thought that this was just the first step in getting her daughter in the moving picture shows, but what she is really doing is allowing her child to be the center of global ridicule. As a father, my number one job is to protect my children. This family gladly opened their lives to an organization that only wanted to profit off using this poor child as a ratings draw. Had Ms. Hollar never seen the show before? Did she not see that past families had been painted as obsessive parents with questionable motives for parade their children around a stage in clothing that would make an East St. Louis stripper blush? 
I could continue this rant for another three hours, but I believe that the evidence speaks for itself. I hope this family recognizes the situation that they are putting themselves and this naive child into. The prosecution rests.

The Defense: ...I got nothing. I mean seriously, I am supposed to defend this disgusting child peddler?! No thank you. I have to live with myself. I actually feel like I need to take a shower from just watching that video. Being an agnostic man, I have actually just converted to Christianity just so that I can believe that there is a Hell in which this woman can spend her eternity. A Hell where she is forced to chug high sugar/caffeinated beverages and dance in skimpy outfits for the likes of Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer and Col. Sanders. Great googley moogley, did you see her shouting for her daughter to show her belly. "Hey honey, I know that you might be a little overweight, but let's use that to our advantage. Let's show them what a diet of primarily Mt. Dew soda and coupon purchased Carl Budding sandwiches can get you." This poor child does not deserve to be part of any of this. She should be at home playing in her yard, not dancing for strangers. She should be playing with her friends, not competing with girls dressed like Pinocchio or the spider. She should be allowed to be a little girl. Shame on you Ms. Hollar. Shame on you.

I would also like to request that we bring her unnamed husband into this discussion, because that is a gentlemen that needs a serious wake up call.

I have no idea where in the trailer park Ms. Hollar hid them, but this "man" needs to get hold of his balls and put his foot down. I can't even begin to think in what universe this "man" thinks having his 6 year old dress up like Daisy Duke, loaded up on "Go-Go juice," and dancing for strangers while his obviously deranged wife hoots and whistles like a construction worker on lunch break is a good idea. Look at that face. That is obviously a man that has to question the choices he has made in his life. He needs to stand up to his wife and say that enough is enough. What is she going to do, stop talking to him? Withhold "relations"? Possibly leave him? Well, if I were him, I couldn't think of anything else that could be better.

The Verdict:  Acting as a representative of... I can't even go through the formalities... this wackjob is guilty!!! G!U!I!L!T!Y! Guilty! Guilty! GUILTY!!!

Stunticution: Ms. Hollar is hereby sentenced to a lifetime of trying to correct the damage that she has already done to her child. This will include forcing Ms. Hollar to purchase her daughter a new line of wardrobe that does contain the word sassy or diva, the forced interaction that does not include coaching her daughter to gyrate or grab body parts for strangers, and the forced daily apology for using her daughter as an obvious pawn in her own desperate attempt to relive her high school years and get back at the popular girls. We also request that Ms. Hollar spend less time couponing and more time parenting. Yes, she will miss the buy 32 boxes of saltine crackers, get 1 free deal, but I think that her daughter will appreciate the additional mommy time. 
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  2. im sure its a nice show that pedophiles love to watch. sad shame that people will put their children's lives in danger, just to make a dollar for themselves.