Judge, Jury, Stuntecutioner: Honey Boo Boo's "Mother"

The Case: The People vs. Honey Boo Boo's Mother

The Charges: Gross Negligence and Potential Parent Pimpentry

The Plaintiff: June "The Coupon Queen" Hollar

The Evidence: 



The Prosecution: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... I stand before you, a man baffled as to where even to begin. As you saw in the video, Ms. Hollar is what is traditionally called a "pageant" mom. I have before me over 600 pages of things that I deem to be wrong with what Ms. Hallar is doing, but due to the lack of time we have here today, I will provide you with an abridged overview:

1. Pimping Out Her Daughter For Money to Buy Packaged Goods in Bulk 
• Holy schnikies!! Did you see their house? It is filled wall-to-wall with packaged goods. For the love of god, they were playing with surplus rolls of paper towels for entertainment! This woman has either an extreme obsessive compulsive problem or she is a frequent shoplifter at her local Piggly Wiggly. I know that the defense will say that she is practicing good fiscal responsibility by stocking up to save money, but I think even Susie Orman would call this this excessive. I am not even sure what this has to do with her parenting skills other than the fact that the little girl has no toys in her room, but rather, has ample access to laundry detergent. The video never references the parents' careers, but based upon what I have seen thus far, I can only assume that it does not include fitness instruction, hair styling, teeth cleaning, or counting above 13.
2. Training Her Daughter To Act Like the Sassy Neighbor on a Bad Sitcom
• Statements like "Them other girls must beare crazy if they think they are meeting me honey boo boo child." and "A Dollar Makes Me Hollar Honey Boo Boo." cannot even be conceived by a child... or even a mature adult for that matter. This sounds like something that would be written by the staff of Sex and the City, or a couple of redneck mothers sweating to some oldies at the local Curves. 
• The excessive hand and head motions that go along with every statement are something that are not natural. Either she has a mother coaching her or she is the reincarnation of Jackée's character, Sandra Clark, from 227... and she isn't even dead yet.
3. Providing Her Daughter Stimulants In an Effort To Enhance Her Performance 
• "But all the other cool pageant mom's are doing it" is not an appropriate response to accusations of drugging a child to win a contest. What's next if the Mt. Dew stops working? Maybe a little trucker speed? Maybe the the child needs some encouragement for the next spelling bee? Is Ms. Hollar going to provide her an espresso? According to the American Heart Association, Children ages 4 to 8 should consume less sugar---about 12.5 g per day.
  
  
  
  The 20oz bottle of "Go-Go juice" contains over 77g of sugar. That would almost be 7 times the daily recommend amount. 7 times!!! And that is only if she drinks one. I understand that Ms. Hollar's  father was involved in the original advertising (see below), but that is no excuse to allow her child to gulp it down.



4. Being Ignorant Enough To Not Recognize That TLC Is Making Fun of Both Her and Her Daughter 

• From the wide shots of their house next to the train tracks to the oh-so feminine belch, TLC is obviously trying to paint the Hollar family as trailer trash (even if their house does not have wheels). At one point during the interview with the daughter where she grabs her belly, you can actually hear the camera crew laughing at her. I am sure that Ms. Hollar thought that this was just the first step in getting her daughter in the moving picture shows, but what she is really doing is allowing her child to be the center of global ridicule. As a father, my number one job is to protect my children. This family gladly opened their lives to an organization that only wanted to profit off using this poor child as a ratings draw. Had Ms. Hollar never seen the show before? Did she not see that past families had been painted as obsessive parents with questionable motives for parade their children around a stage in clothing that would make an East St. Louis stripper blush? 

I could continue this rant for another three hours, but I believe that the evidence speaks for itself. I hope this family recognizes the situation that they are putting themselves and this naive child into. The prosecution rests.

The Defense: ...I got nothing. I mean seriously, I am supposed to defend this disgusting child peddler?! No thank you. I have to live with myself. I actually feel like I need to take a shower from just watching that video. Being an agnostic man, I have actually just converted to Christianity just so that I can believe that there is a Hell in which this woman can spend her eternity. A Hell where she is forced to chug high sugar/caffeinated beverages and dance in skimpy outfits for the likes of Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer and Col. Sanders. Great googley moogley, did you see her shouting for her daughter to show her belly. "Hey honey, I know that you might be a little overweight, but let's use that to our advantage. Let's show them what a diet of primarily Mt. Dew soda and coupon purchased Carl Budding sandwiches can get you." This poor child does not deserve to be part of any of this. She should be at home playing in her yard, not dancing for strangers. She should be playing with her friends, not competing with girls dressed like Pinocchio or the spider. She should be allowed to be a little girl. Shame on you Ms. Hollar. Shame on you.

I would also like to request that we bring her unnamed husband into this discussion, because that is a gentlemen that needs a serious wake up call.

I have no idea where in the trailer park Ms. Hollar hid them, but this "man" needs to get hold of his balls and put his foot down. I can't even begin to think in what universe this "man" thinks having his 6 year old dress up like Daisy Duke, loaded up on "Go-Go juice," and dancing for strangers while his obviously deranged wife hoots and whistles like a construction worker on lunch break is a good idea. Look at that face. That is obviously a man that has to question the choices he has made in his life. He needs to stand up to his wife and say that enough is enough. What is she going to do, stop talking to him? Withhold "relations"? Possibly leave him? Well, if I were him, I couldn't think of anything else that could be better.

The Verdict:  Acting as a representative of... I can't even go through the formalities... this wackjob is guilty!!! G!U!I!L!T!Y! Guilty! Guilty! GUILTY!!!

Stunticution: Ms. Hollar is hereby sentenced to a lifetime of trying to correct the damage that she has already done to her child. This will include forcing Ms. Hollar to purchase her daughter a new line of wardrobe that does contain the word sassy or diva, the forced interaction that does not include coaching her daughter to gyrate or grab body parts for strangers, and the forced daily apology for using her daughter as an obvious pawn in her own desperate attempt to relive her high school years and get back at the popular girls. We also request that Ms. Hollar spend less time couponing and more time parenting. Yes, she will miss the buy 32 boxes of saltine crackers, get 1 free deal, but I think that her daughter will appreciate the additional mommy time. 

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Judge, Jury, Stuntecutioner: The Candy Challenge Dad

The Case: The People vs. The Candy Challenge Dad

The Charges: Cruel and unusual parentry 

The Plaintiff: The Candy Challenge Dad 

The Evidence: With over 500,000+ YouTube hits, this anonymous father has become an overnight sensation with his :56 clip showing his children scaling a bedroom door frame for candy. Comments on the site have ranged from anger, "The most vicious dad on earth! They are not dogs dude." to outright praise, "Your kids are awesome, you are awesome." Most anger is pointed at the fact that the children could hurt themselves if they fell and the fact that the reward for the challenge is candy.

The Prosecution: To the good people of the Stunt Dad Nation, I ask you, is this what we deem to be entertainment now? Watching children perform physical challenges in turn for a 10¢ sucker? What have we come to? This, I hesitate to use the word, "father ", is no more than a glorified seal trainer that throws fish at his children in an attempt to get them to perform tricks. Let's think for a minute about the possible accidents that could be involved in this "entertaining challenge". The kids could slip and crack their head on the door frame. They could fall backwards and hurt themselves. They could cut their hands sliding down the frames. The list goes on. And what is next? Jumping through flaming hula hoops for a hamburger? Jumping off the garage for gum? Running through drywall for wacky wafers? I just don't see any good coming from this. While not my responsibility today, I for one would recommend that if this "father" were to continue these efforts, he enforce a strict helmet and tether system. The prosecution rests. 

The Defense: Wow. Do you even hear yourself? This father, and yes I proudly state father here, is doing something with his children that most men don't—actually interact with them and have fun! So what if they are climbing the door frame? Have you been to a public park lately? The jungle gyms are at least a foot or two taller than that door frame. What's next? Are you going to prosecute all fathers that take their kids to the park? Let's just end this witch hunt now. Kids do scary things, and if they should happen to get hurt doing them, then they will learn valuable lessons for the rest of their life. What would you have them do, sit on the couch wrapped in bubble wrap reading a good Judy Blume book? Well sir, I would think wrapping your children in plastic is worse than falling three feet and I won't even go into the long term psychological damages that can be had by being exposed to Super Fudge. Also, the very idea that you would attack a man that rewards his children's efforts with treats is absurd. Kids enjoy treats. The man gave his kids a sucker. It is not like he took a video of his kids diving 10 feet into a pool of pixie stick dust and then videotaped the next two hour "Scarface"-esque high. He gave his kids candy. Would this activity be ok if he gave them a good firm handshake at the end? And really all of this talk is nonsense anyway. I for one have watched every Planet of the Apes movie and I have seen the future. When the monkeys take over, you will be damned happy that this visionary father thought to train these children to get food from the trees. They will lead the resistance against our ape overlords and you will look back at your persecution and be shamed. The defense rests.

The Verdict: Acting as a representative of Stunt Dad Nation, I find the accused not guilty. 

Stunticution: Not Applicable. This father is doing nothing wrong. He is enjoying time with his children while they play. If you see anything other than this in this video, you have too much time on your hands and you should look for ways to better serve the community like volunteering at a local shelter or reading to the blind...just please stay away from anything with kids, because you obviously don't understand them. 

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Judge, Jury and Stuntecutioner: Wave at the Bus Dad

The Case: The People vs. Wave at the Bus Dad

The Charge: Cruel and unusual parentry

The Evidence:

In early 2010, Dale Prince learned that his son's bus route was changing and that it would actually be going past their house every day. Like any reasonable person, his first thought was "How can I use this to embarrass my son?". The answer... every morning he sees his son off to school by waving at the bus... dressed in a costume. Not only does he do this every morning, he makes it his mission to ensure that no two costumes are the same. As expected, when there is a grown man dressed in a mermaid costume, Dale has gained a bit of national attention. Which I am sure his son loves.

For over 170 school days, Dale has documented his full line of costumes on his site. These getups range from ninja to birthday suit (And no, he is not waving at the school bus naked. I am sure that is a different father down the street.) Here are a couple of examples for your consideration:

• Ariel
• Super Dad
• Nacho Cheese
• Terry Potter
• Batman and the Boy Wonder

The Prosecution:

Good people of the courtroom, I ask you not whether Mr. Prince is a good father, I ask you whether or not this is the activity of a sane and reasonable man. Sure, Mr. Prince is clever and seems to be a fun guy, but is this really the type of example that you want to set for your child. Shouldn't Mr. Prince try being a better member of the community? Maybe instead of spending the time gathering costumes, he could be volunteering his time for a worthy cause? Or perhaps volunteering for the local Neighborhood Watch on the lookout for the weirdo in the neighborhood that dresses up in costumes and waves at underage children... that way he could kill two birds with one stone. I argue that Mr. Prince is more of a public nuisance than a positive influence.

The Defense:

What the prosecution is clearly overlooking is the bond that is being created between Mr. Prince and his son. Sure, it is an unorthadox approach, but his son will have a memory that no other child will have. In a country where almost 26% of households have no father figure in them, are we to judge a man who not only wants to be a part of his son's life, but goes so far to make every day special and memorable for his son? I say that is no country I want to be a part of. I think the efforts of Mr. Prince are to be praised. I say if the mermaid costume fits, you must acquits.

The Verdict:

After weighing the evidence before me, I rule the accused... not guilty. How can you not support a man that just wants to torment his son a little. It could be worse—he could be like half of the dads I grew up with that show up at school drunk, yelling slurs, and reliving the glory days of Junior Varsity Football. As much as the kid probably hates it, this will be a bond that he will have with his dad for the rest of his life. I need to start planning how I can top this.

Stuntecution: Unneeded

Make sure you check out Dale's website at:

http://waveatthebus.blogspot.com/

What ideas do you have to torment and embarrass your kids?


- Not a parenting blog, not a daddy blog, not a mommy blog — it's a Stunt Dad blog.

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Judge, Jury and Stuntecutioner: Child Leashing

The Case: The People vs. The Leashers

The Charges: Cruel and unusual parentry

The Plaintiff: Parents that leash their children

The Evidence: Countless eyewitnesses

The Prosecution: Child leashing is a technique utilized only by the most-lazy and self-centered parents. As a parent, if you are unable to actually spend time watching your child in public, perhaps you need to rethink the activities that you are doing with your children. Maybe it is time to get off the phone, stop chatting with your co-leasher about what a whore Shelia is, put your coffee down and drop the shopping bags to actually engage with your child. You can actually see the shame of these children as they lead their masters, I mean parents, down the street. My son saw a child leashed the other day and wanted to know what the kid did to deserve that. I told him that he was born into a house where his parents had a dog that ran away and the little boy was trying to make them feel better by pretending to be Scraps for the day. The only family that should have ever leashed their child were the Kents. (I can excuse you if your son can fly, then maybe it is ok to put them on a string). However, if your child runs at 2 miles an hour and has a propensity to want to look at anything that blinks, skip the leash and hold their hand. If you can teach your dog to shake, you can teach your child to hold a hand. I only use that analogy because I assume that you leashers get all of your parenting tips from the Dog Whisperer. The Prosecution rests.

The Defense: Child leashing is a valuable technique that ensures the safety of children in busy places. Children that are either prone to walking off or that cannot be trusted to stay close need extra attention. We live in a society where you cannot trust strangers. Leashing the child is the only way to ensure that the child does not wander off or is not taken. There has never been a case of a child that has been lost or kidnapped while leashed. While the leashing may not look great, it is a tool for those who want to do everything they can to protect their children. The defense rests.

The Verdict: Acting as a representative of Stunt Dad Nation, I find the accused guilty on all counts.

Stunticution: The Leashers are hereby sentenced to be leashed and paraded through the streets by their children on an annual basis during a new holiday called Leash Wednesday. The Leashers will then be required to take their children to an amusement park or shopping environment of the previously-leashed child's choosing where they will be forced to pay attention to their children and engage in activities that force them to utilize their new parenting skill— watching their children.

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