Thursday, November 17, 2011

Product Review: Dumb Products

Like most folks, I enjoy a reveal at the end of a movie. Tyler Dureden was who? Bruce Willis was what? Keiser Soze was him all along?? Well, I hate to disappoint you here, but I am going to take the mystery out of the review before we start..the following products are all dumb and are definitely not recommended by Stunt Dad. Look away if you are squeamish, this is going to get a little messy.

Parking Pal Magnet

Let me first start off by saying that I am all for anything that can make a child safe and potential avoid any horrible accidents... but this is just a blatent attempt to use the fear that something could happen to your children as a marketing tool. Parking Pal Magnets are circular magnets that you attach to your car in a parking lot, to ensure that your kids are staying by the car and not wandering off into traffic. If you go the website, you will see fun pictures of smiling kids with their hands "high-fiving" their cars, an offer to take the stress out of your hands and put it theirs...oh, and links to news stories about children killed in parking lots. (I hope that they have the families' permission to use the video clips of the news reports about the death of a child and if not, then they are vultures.) The site does not contain any information about the Parking Pal Magnet creator, so I hope that the decision to create the product was not due to a situation in their life, but if it was, I would think that they would create a product that could be cheaply made and distributed to as many families as possible... Not an $8 magnet (plus shipping). We at Stunt Dad understand that there people that like the idea of using something to train their kids not to wander, so here are five free (or almost free) alternatives to Parking Pal Magnet:

  • The local pizza place magnet
  • A bumper sticker 
  • A headlight 
  • A sticker 
  • Your own hand print in the dust on the car
  • A chip clip with a piece of paper that the child draws their own hand
  • Or if you are feeling creative and want to have a craft with the kids, you can create your own at Vista Prints. This might be helpful if you need a teachable moment of what you are creating and why it is important to stay by the car. 

Bottle Buddy
Do you have a baby? Is your baby on formula? Do you have a hard time counting to five?  Do you have an extra $90 laying around? Good news, I have something for you....Bottle Buddy. According to the manufacturer,
Bottle Buddy is a unique electronic formula dispensing product that accurately counts a pre-set amount of powdered infant and follow on formula into a baby's bottle. Using Bottle Buddy to make up a feeding is convenient, quick and easy to use and, most importantly, it saves time and ensures that every bottle contains the right amount of formula every time. It’s a common, yet annoying, mistake to make: you're preparing a bottle for your baby and counting the amount of powder into the bottle when someone or something interrupts you. Before you know it, you’re wondering: “was that five or six scoops?” and have to start over again. Bottle Buddy eliminates the risk of contamination, human error and spillage by delivering an adjustable, preset, consistent quantity of powder at a touch of a button. Bottle Buddy is ideal for new parents or caretakers who may be nervous about formula quantities. Bottle Buddy is set to revolutionize the way parents make up their babies' bottles forever. Benefits Breast milk is generally thought to be best for babies but there are a number of good reasons why many mothers choose to bottle feed from birth or only breast feed for a short while. Some parents supplement breast milk with powdered infant or follow-on formula - especially as the baby gets older. Whatever they choose, all parents want to see their baby thrive and grow at a healthy rate. On average, parents put over 10,000 scoops of infant or follow-on formula into bottles in the first year of a baby’s life. It is not only very time consuming but also very easy to miscount the amount of formula used, especially when holding a crying, hungry baby and trying to make up a bottle at the same time. Using Bottle Buddy to make up a feeding ensures that every bottle contains the correct amount of formula and overcomes some of the serious health risks associated with formula feeding. Miscounting scoops, overfeeding or underfeeding on a regular basis can have long-term health implications.
Here are my personal favorites from above:
  • Before you know it you are wondering: "was that five or six scoops?"
    No. No I wasn't. See the good lord (or insert whatever deity it is that you prescribe to) gave me this wonderful 3 lb. mass of goo called a brain. It allows me to do basic things like walk, breathe and count to five or even six. I challenge the manufacturer to a test. I will make 100 bottles and they can distract me with all of the fireworks, topless women and air horns they want and I guarantee that I can pretty much come through without forgetting what scoop I am on. 
  • Bottle Buddy is set to revolutize the way parents make up their babies' bottle forever
    Holy spit! You have created a glorified cat food dispenser and you are claiming to revolutionize the way parents make a bottle? I could see this if you invented a patch that affixes to the skin and the formula is ingested through it or maybe a way to snap your fingers and have things appear...but you have created something that pours powder out in regulated amounts...slow your roll with the revolutionary claims there Henry Ford. 
  • It is not only very time consuming but also very easy to miscount the amount of formula used, especially when holding a crying, hungry baby and trying to make up a bottle at the same time.Both my kids were formula kids (save your judgment and scorn for later). Not once during the roughly combined three years did I ever once say to myself "Wow, this scooping formula thing is a real pain, I wish there was an easier solution.". As a matter of fact, it was probably the easiest part of those three years. Were there some early meltdowns because I couldn't make the bottle fast enough? Sure. But we quickly learned a couple of tricks to make it easier on everyone...including a screaming infant that does not care if the formula comes from a fancy dispenser or not. We found that if we bought a couple formula dispensers and got into the habit of filling them up every night, then you were pretty much golden when it came to feeding time. No batteries required!
Take it from me, this is a waste of money. Preparing formula is as easy as 1, 2...oh shoot, where was I...6, 7, I haven't eaten yet...thanks for thinking of me...72!

Baby Bangs
(Editorial Note: At Stunt Dad we try to avoid using excessive swear words in our for the next five minutes please  insert you favorite swear word when you see the word chimmichanga and thank you for your support). I have saved the worst for last. Yes, you read that bangs. Are you chimmichanga kidding me!! Described as a patent pending (thank god, we don't want people to steal the idea of slapping a toupe on a baby) HAIR+band accessory combination allows baby girls with little or no hair at all the opportunity to have a beautifully realistic HAIR style in a SNAP!!

What kind of chimmichanga chimmichanga would come up with something like this? According to the website, this little piece of future insecurity was created by a world leading hair replacement artist with the philosophy of:
At Baby Bangs! We believe in the beauty of childhood; Our unique designs are sprinkled with MAGIC! --inspiring a world of whimsical wonder and mystical magical memorable moments for you and your new baby girl to cherish Forever!
For, she IS, and always will be, a LITTLE PRINCESS!
Let me be the first to say, "Shut the chimmichanga up!". This glorified beaver pelt is just another terrible product for people that want to play dress up with their dolly and not be a parent. (I could go into a rant about the whole chimmichanging chimmichangs that pimp out their children on Toddlers and Tiaras, but that is too easy.) So what is next? Chimmichanging push up bras? Maybe some baby blush? Or maybe you think your little princess might be cuter with different color eyes? Let's start looking into some chimmichanging contacts. Here lies the rub my friend, this type of "improvement" never really ends. Rather than spending your time worrying that your daughter is adorable, maybe you should spend your energy worrying that they are loved. I can bet every dollar I have that any person that actually uses this on their child is less likely to raise a princess and more like to raise a future chimmichanga. 

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