"Are You Babysitting Today?"

Whenever I am out with my kids on the weekend, there is one thing that I hate more than anything else. Is it the constant screaming and demands for food, toys and attention? No, it is when people come up and feel inclined to ask me "Are you babysitting the kids today?"

Do I look like a thirteen year old girl saving up for the latest Justin Bieber cd? Do I look like Mr. Belvidere? No, I am their father! I want to be with my kids and share in my responsibilites of raising them to be happy well adjusted adults that add value to the planet (also my wife made me take them out).

If you should happen to have this happen to you in the future, here are a couple of handy responses to share with your new curious friend:

• "No, I was actually was trying to kidnap them and they both wouldn't fit into the trunk."
• "How dare you ma'am! These are my dwarf parents and I can't believe you would be so rude as to call them children. Dad here is a defense attorney working on some of the most important cases in the system today and Mom was runner up for Ms. Illinois in 1972. I think we both know that you owe them an apology and some candy."
• "I am a cannibal and these are my afternoon snacks."
• "Actually they are watching me. You see I am legally blind and I couldn't afford a helper monkey, so the state had all these orphans lying around...and let me tell you they are helpful."
• "Thank god you see them too! Nobody else can see them and I was starting to worry that I was going crazy."

Seriously, as a father, I think it is important that we raise our children to understand that the time that we spend with them is not a "chore" or a "job". I know most of the time, people are just trying to make small talk, but children are very preceptive and start to intake "cultural norms" early in life. Make sure they know that you are not the babysitter, you are their father...and you can afford your own Justin Bieber cds.

If someone should ask what an appropriate question to you or your children would be instead of this, here are some acceptable statements that I appreciate.

• Where are you taking the little ones today?
• It looks like a big day out with Daddy. Where are you going today?
• Are you having fun with daddy today?
• Are you being good for daddy today?
• Isn't your daddy so handsome?

Do you have this happen to you? Do you hate this as much as I do? Let us know.

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Suppositories Saved Our A$$e$ — Almost

Flying 4 hours to San Francisco for Munch’s 1st birthday wasn’t the problem; it was coming home.

• Eating on the plane? Piece of cake.
• Sitting still? No sweat.
• Humoring the creepy, overally hands-on, flight attendant? Smiles all the way.

I thought, Gonna be a great trip!

• Day 1, we accomplished 1 of 3 planned events. Forgot that the kid has to sleep. Crap.
• Day 2, we managed to ge to both the Wharf and Alcatraz.
• Which brought us to Day 3: Giants baseball game.

A dream scenario:

• Best ballpark in the country.
• Wifey’s first visit to SF.
• Munch’s first baseball game.

If we could only do one thing on this trip — just one thing that I really cared about — it would be — this ballgame. And then, we had to wake up.

• I broke a fever in the middle of the night.
• Munch woke up crying hysterically with a temperature of 103.
• And Wifey felt nauseous with morning sickness (she was 2 months pregnant with "K2")

We are going to miss this game. Crap!

And then, like the morning sun burning off the gloomy fog:

• A cold shower? I was right as rain.
• A ginger beer? Wifey was fresh as a clover.
• And most importantly, Feverall suppositories? Munch dropped under the magical number of 100. Jackpot. PacBell Park, here we come!

Sidebar: When Wifey asked me to give Munch suppositories, I told him to open his mouth. Wifey shook her head and pointed to his pants. And, I remember saying, "You're shitting me." No pun intended. I removed the pants, undid the diaper, and slowly inserted the suppository into his — well, you know — "never region."

The fever would hover around 100 for the next 24 hours, and we gave him suppositories every 4 hours, praying we could make it home without it getting worse. And just as our plane took off for home, it got worse. Much worse.

The plane's air conditioning was broken, and Munch was radiating more heat than the California sun.

• 1st 30 minutes: crying — no, shrieking. I’m that parent. With that kid. Damn it.
• 2nd 30 minutes: sleeping. Thank you, Lord.
• Next 5 minutes: Milk to cool off. Not our best idea. Note to the world: Don't give milk as means to rehydrate.
• Next 30 seconds: Boom went the dynamite! Projectile vomit all over himself and Wifey.

We stripped Munch down to his diaper, took off Wifey’s jacket, and shoved all contaminated clothing and his favorite blankie, Raffy, into a plastic bag. Crisis averted — until Wifey lifted her arm.

The stench from the vomit mixed with the hot air and made me (and surely others) dry heave for the next 3 hours.

Happy Birthday Kid.

Does anyone else have a vacation story to share?

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DadVersions: Because You Deserve a 15 Minute Break

Dadversions is our weekly contribution to keeping you sane. Every week we are going to collect our favorite random non-dad links that we think you will enjoy. Please enjoy the next 15 minutes kid free entertainment.

The Landlord from Will Ferrell

Patton Oswalt at his best

Give a shit, save the world.

http://www.give-a-shit.org/

E-Trade Baby Loses Everything

Showering with Girls

Snake on Dashboard

http://www.14wfie.com/story/15182629/tn-couple-records-snake-on-their-car-while-driving-down-highway?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=6105168

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Hard Day? Remember That Life is a Marathon...

It can get tiring being a father, husband, friend, employee, co-worker, son, brother, uncle, grandson, brother-in-law, role model, teacher, mentor, citizen, hero, enemy, peer, confidant, nice guy and everything else that is thrown into the hours of 6:00 am to 11:00 pm. That is why I loved this video from the good folks at KarmaTube. It is good reminder that life is a marathon and it can get tiring—but remember, you have folks cheering you on. For every role in your life, you have people that are there to support you and be there when you need it. And if you don't, you now have us at Stunt Dad. Keep up the good work. Fight the good fight. Keep on running...Check out the video below for a well deserved smile.

Video from KarmaTube

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Usborne Books – Kid’s Asleep So Fast You’ll Freak

Best Bedtime Books? While Goodnight Moon is certainly the most popular bedtime book in history, and pretty easy to remember, a friend introduced us to a series of books from Usborne. Not only are they well illustrated and written, they are pretty cheap ($7 or less online). Night-Night Stories is my top recommendation: six stories, gentle read, and Munch is usually conked out by the end.

• Usborne Book of Night-Night Stories
• Usborne Book of Little Stories for Bedtime
• Usborne Book of Lullabies
• Goodnight Moon
• The Going-To-Bed Book

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T-Shirt of the Week: BREAAAD

The good folks over at Threadless have done it again. I just found another shirt that embodies the silliness that I want my little dumptruck to appreciate. I present to you a Zombie Sandwich t-shirt titled BREAAAD. It looks like this little guy spent a little too long in the fridge. Maybe somebody should have cleaned it out sooner. You know that is the problem with people today, poor hygiene and a lack of commitment to the little things. This is how the zombie apocalypse will start.

Speaking of cleaning out the refrigerator, it's my week for kitchen duty at Stunt Dad HQ. I should probably take a look at our fridge. (Walks to the kitchen and opens refrigerator.) Let's see what do we have here a old thai food, leftover pizza, a half eaten birthday cake... what's that way back there? It looks kind of furry and blue. I can't seem to reach it... let me reach in a little bit more. (Feels a tight grip on wrist and begins to be pulled into the refrigerator). Oh my god! (Loud growls begin to emanate from the depths of the crisper) Help! Help... (now waist deep)...I just wanted to maintain a clean working environment...please, I have children. Let me go and I will bring Stunt Pete. I am sure he is tastier. (now knee deep)... Tell my children that I loved them and that if I would have survived I would have ordered them the BREAAAD shirt from Threadless. (completely pulled in and the door slams shut)... (maniacal laughter radiates through the cold still halls of Stunt Dad HQ) .

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Coolest Dad on The Block: Nerf Tag

If you haven't seen this yet, here is a guaranteed way to become the coolest dad on the block. Our good friends at Nerf have perfected the marriage of capture the flag and paintball with their new product Dart Tag. Available in four models, Swarmfire (20 shots), Quick 16 (26 shots), speedload 6 (it is getting pretty obvious at this point) and the Sharp Shot (5 shots) the Dart Tag system was designed to improve upon the old days of "I shot you. No you didn't" technology. With the patented Nerf Dart velcro tipped dart there will be no confusion. The starter set comes with scoring vests as well as "vision gear" (a.k.a. lawsuit avoidance systems). The darts fly far and have a sizable impact, but nothing that is going to hurt anyone. Now image yourself leading the charge down the block with your kids behind you to take on the annoying neighbors down the street. Or being the cool dad that makes a capture the flag field in his backyard with appropriate booby traps and obstacles. And think about the message that you are teaching your kids... with Nerf weapons, all squabbles can be taken care of the way that God had intended it, with styrofoam weapons.

Have you tried these out? What did you think?

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Stunt Dad Has a Store

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