2.0 Nostalgic Summer Ideas For Your Kids

 

We've come a long way since the mid-80s. Gone are the metal hair bands, jelly bracelets and bandannas—tied on anywhere (hopefully). While we all have our personal embarrassing moments from childhood, we also have the memories we want our kids to experience. The kind of memories that as the move into the toddler years, you start sharing stories that start out a lot like this, "Kid, back in my day, we used to... blah, blah, blah." Your kid proceeds to roll his eyes, tell you how lame that sounds and continue pretending that you don't exist. Just past the mid-point of Summer, it's time to think back to those favorite things you did as a kid and put a 2012 twist on them. To help get you started, below are a few of StuntDad's favorite childhood memories and how we have stunt-ified them for our little ones this summer.

A Drive-In Movie Theater in the 80s is a Lay-Out Movie Theater in 2012: Last week, we posted a Drive-In Movie Theater (DIMT) database as a way to avoid the post-4th of July blues for your little ones. If you checked out which DIMTs are in your neighborhood, you likely were disappointed as to how many were still open. I live in the Chicago suburbs and only 1 of 20 theaters within 30 miles were still functioning. However, not is lost. While DIMTs are out, Lay-Out Movie Theaters (LMOTs) are in.  Instead of exposing your children to the nearest DIMT where your nerves will be tested by the local rift-raft using illicit drugs by the water fountain, the 50 year old man in the windowless van behind you and the high school couple groping each other in the pick-up truck next to you, you have the opportunity to recreate the magic of outdoor movies in your own backyard. Thanks to the fine folks at Backyard Theater you can easily build a LOMT in the back or on the side of your house. Need a projector screen? Grab a white bed sheet. Need a projector? Buy one from Best Buy and return it within 7 days*. Need some extra cash? Spread the word to your neighbors and charge for admission, popcorn and soda.  

A Treehouse in the 80s is a Treehouse Waterpark in 2012: The cool kids on our block all had tree houses. Nearly all resembled something closer to The Simpsons fort instead of Popular Mechanics, however, none of the kids fort's featured what is needed most in the summer: WATER. We've had more days with temperatures over a 100 this summer than the past decade combined. And, it's no wonder that children don't want to cramp themselves into a 10 sq foot box of wood, 10 feet above the ground. But—what if that box of wood had an overhead sprinkler system? What if the tire swing below splashed through a waterfall? What if the slide from said box of wood had running water down it? Who needs to drive to the local pool or waterpark, when you turn on your hose (or neighbor's, if they are out of town) and turn your kids loose? First step is the treehouse. If you don't have one, visit our friends at Instructables, who have some great examples of How to Build a Treehouse. Once your box of wood is ready to go, head over to Home Depot. You will need to purchase various amounts of PVC pipes & T-connectors depending on how ambitious you want to get. If you are Bob Villa-challenged, the Depot will help ya out after you explain your vision to them. Once you've identified how many pipes you need, use a 1/16" drill bit to put holes every couple inches.  The more holes, the wetter your kids will get. Regardless of the number of soakage spots your fort contains, its guaranteed to have more than the next kid. PS: To make the $20-$50 back on the pipe-related purchases, take a cue from tip #1 and charge admission.  

A Car-cation in the 80s is a Train-cations in 2012: The lovely drives through the rolling countryside. Dad and Mom arguing endlessly on how to get back to the main county highway. Lunches of beef jerkey, Doritors and fountain sodas from gas station Kwiki Marts. Those were the days, when we'd pile into the station wagon and pick out random cities to visit, such as Springfield, Illinois' state capital. Historic? Check. Fun? Check Minus. Not only was the city itself completely uninteresting and bleak, the 3.5 hour drive was equally dismal. And back then, the car ride south would cost about $50 in gas to get there and back. Nowadays, it would be closer to $200. Instead of spending your hard earned money on less-than-interesting vacation spots, take advantage of your local Amtrak train station. You can plan out a scenic trip, without the hassles of gas or directional arguments, to a city that you've already researched, which won't bore your children to death. And, it will likely cost you less than if you would have drove. Case in point: you can take an 8-hour train ride from Chicago to the Canadian border in Michigan. International travel for less than $50 a person, with a duty free shop containing all the maple sugar and syrup a kid could ask for.

A Lemonade Stand in the 80s is a Vodka Lemonade Stand in 2012: Why should kids have all the fun? Here is an idea to make the entire family happy. Tell wifey you will be spending the afternoon in the garage constructing a homemade lemonade stand for the kiddies. She will think you are incredibly thoughtful and you will get to spend a few hours with power tools, beer and solitude. The result: by day, the kids get to spend the afternoon in front of your house selling dixie cups of lemonade for 25 cents. By night, the dixie cups are replaced with shotglasses and you get to spend the evening in front of your house selling shots of vodka lemonade for $2 to the local parents. Your kids will think you are the best dad in the world by selling their lemonade after they've gone to sleep, your neighborhood parents will appreciate a quick summer evening buzz and even your wife will think more of you than just the guys who sleeps in the same bed as her. Hell, you might even get a little nookie out of this.

*Successful attempt by Stunt Pete on July 4th of this year. Projector returned to Best Buy in its original packaging on July 8th, no questions asked!

How do you take your childhood memories and 2.0 them for your kid? Pin It Now!

How do avoid the post 4th of July depression

4th of July is the climax of summer. You've gone to the beach, BBQ'd, seen some good movies, caught fireflies, spit watermelon seeds, stayed at the lake house — or wished you owned a lake house — or wish your friend would invite you to his lake house and don't know why he hasn't yet; maybe he's not that good of a friend after all, maybe he's just not that into you, or maybe he doesn't even have a lake house, maybe it's just a tent and he's too embarrassed to admit it! Anyway, come July 4th you are ready to top it all off by blowing shit up. You snuck across State lines 3 or 4 times to purchase the illegal wares, have hidden stuff in the attic, your car trunk, your golf clubs, and even in the office. Then you blow it all. You light punks, then sparklers, then smoke bombs, then firecrackers, then bottle rockets, then roman candles then you move onto the stuff that you are supposed to have a permit for until finally your wife talks you down from lighting a can of gas and shooting it into the air with a home made slingshot made from an inner tube tied between two trees. Man that was fun! But come the 5th, you have a hangover and the post 4th blues. Buck up camper! We got some sure fire (yes we said fire) ways to keep the spark in summer till the leaves fall off the trees.

Bon Fire! Treat the family to life as a caveman and make yourself a big-ass fire in the middle of a field. Make smores, sing songs, and tell spooky stories. Of course, you can't make a bon fire unless you are far from civilization, so it is the perfect excuse to get the family outside and do some camping. It's different than staying at the lake house because when you camp you either shit outside or go in a stinky out house, which makes camping the perfect teachable moment for your kids. It teaches them to do well in school so they can afford to buy themselves a lake house and never have to go without indoor plumbing again.

Drive In! Remember the last time you went to the drive in? Oh ya, that's what got you in this parenting predicament in the first place... how about your first drive in? How cool was it that you could growl like a wookie in the car and no one threw gum drops at you? How fun was it to jump off the swings when ET made the bikes fly across the moon? How sweet was it to steal a pack of cigarettes and smoke them in back of the concessions stand and then threw up in the back of your mom's Country Squire station wagon. Yeah! That was fuckin' awesome! How can you deny your children that kind of joy? Unfortunately, the invasion of cable, VHS, and super doucheplex's have all but killed that old Americana. But the Interwebs and Stunt Dad is here to help. http://www.drive-ins.com/database.htm will tell you where the nearest dying drive in is and just how much gas you have to burn and seals you have to club to give your kids the same twisted experiences you barely survived yourself. Check it out!

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4th Fun Free of Finger Fatalities

It's not uncommon to celebrate birthdays with barbecuing hotdogs, chicken, and hamburgers. In fact, tomorrow, on our country’s birthday, 150 million hot dogs will be consumed.  Agreed, that is a lot of lips and assholes, but I digress. What’s even more unique about America’s birthday is that it’s celebrated with fireworks, nearly a billion dollars worth, annually. That is a lot of blown up shit across our nation. And here at StuntDad, we are no strangers to 4th of July mishaps — after all, we are men, we are in our 30s, and we love fire. So when the flames go out in the grill, our passion for burning things actually intensifies and we start grabbing everything in sight to set on fire and throw. At times, we can (and have been) overzealous in our attempt to strike a match without thinking through the consequences.

Learning from the mistakes we've made in the past, here are 5 tips to stay in the game and stay out of the ER on the 4th of July.

1. Don't stick the bottle rocket in your butt to impress your kid. It leaves a painful burn mark and we know your wife won't feel sorry for you and apply zinc oxide before bedtime. In fact, it will make her feel sorry for herself for falling for you and your childish antics. How do you Stuntify this situation and still impress your kid? Aim 'em and flame 'em! For the aspiring innovative award winners, don't start with a bottle, they're called BOTTLE rockets. You can, however, swing for the fences and use your kid's whiffle ball bat. Additional items you need: razorblade (to cut off the top of the bat), duct tape (required for any idea, regardless the situation, but in this case you will tape up the grip to prevent third degree burns) and safety glasses (our wives made us include this). If you feel like etching "Suck My Smoke or 5 Finger Freddy" as a monicker on the bat for sentiments sake, feel free. Once you're ready to torch the sky, drop the lit bottle rocket (or 'rockets" if you want to scare the shit out of your neighbors) down the wiffle bat. It offers aim (you could knock that stinking cigarette out of Uncle Larry's mouth if you really wanted to), superiority (none of your neighborhood Dads will  want to try to one up the bazooka bottle rocket launching guy) and separation (instant firewall between your skin and compressed black powder burning at one million degrees Fahrenheit (ya, our Google search for bottle rocket flame temp came up empty). Plus, you avoid exposing your hairy ass to the lovely ladies in your hood.
2. Don't use hands or teeth to hold firecrackers in order to prove you are The Man of the party. Dishing out dares or being the sucker who accepts the bets that involve holding BlackCat firecrackers the longest with your hands or teeth will prove nothing more than you are an idiot, and you will end up looking like the three-fingered, six-tooth legend known as Billy Bob Joe Dirt. How do you Stuntify this situation and still be The Man of the party? Light 'em and flight 'em! Convince the party pyros that the fun isn't in the danger. Moreover, it's in the height, volume and size of the explosion. You're wife can attest to that, right? Wink, wink. To accurately gauge when they will explode, be sure to check the length of each wick prior to tossing them into the air, as each firecracker has a different wick length. Remember, optimal explosion height is at least 15 feet high up. It would really suck for one of those packs to land on top of someone's head, especially Uncle Moe's newest hairpiece.
3. Don't light off roman candles in the middle of a dry corn field next to a wooden barn serving as a artisan paper factory to show-off that you are still cool. Admittedly a roaring, 25-acre bonfire is visually spectacular, however, it really blows when you find yourself in the middle of it. Despite being hotter than the Earth's molten core, you're likely to be on the hook for property damages.  How do you Stuntify this situation and still show-off that you are still cool? Sack 'em and React 'em! Our good friends at Instructables.com offer the biggest and baddest How To and Do-It-Yourself community where people make and share inspiring, entertaining, and useful projects, recipes, and hacks. Before your big night out with the boys, check out the Wolf Pack Popper (WPP). The WPP consists of a large amount of snappers wrapped tightly in tissue paper. Side note: this takes patience and caution as wrapping it too tight and it will explode in your face. Once you are ready to unleash the beast, light the WPP on fire and chuck it. Side note: according to the person who posted the WPP, "throw them into houses, parties, toilet stalls, etc." Needless to say, we recommend sticking to the dry corn field, where you will still get the bang!, pow!, ka-boom!, only in the opposite direction of the wooden barn.
4. Do not create the Bucket of Bang or Firework Goolash to finish your plate.  There will be a point in the night when you've gone through the majority of your fireworks and, in looking around the lighting area, you will notice random, unused fireworks. A half dozen firecrackers here, some roman candles there, random bottle rockets laying about and you might even have several box of M-80s you forgot about in the trunk of your car. Like your momma probably reminded you, "Always finish your plate." This mantra will rise to the forefront of your pea-sized brain and you will be hungry to rid everything in one fell swoop—or match, in this case—by gathering all leftover fireworks, dumping them into a bucket or box, and setting it on fire. The potential for disaster climaxes at this very moment, where everything from your house, car or dog could be reduced to ash. How do you Stuntify this situation and still finish your plate? Load 'em and Explode 'em! Conduct your personal execution by lighting squad. Organize all of the leftover fireworks and line them in a row, preferably pointing in a direction that does not involve anything that requires insurance or a pulse. If you're the meticulous type, you can tie a string to each of the wicks and light one end. Or, if you are the lazy type, recruit enough family and friends to each grab a punk and light the assigned firework. Either way, it should set-off a dancing display of fountain fireworks that would rival the Bellagio's watershow.
5. Do not use animals of any kind as part of your firework display to get a laugh from your friends. Whether you think no one cares about a bluegill fish or the stray cat you came across, injuring or maming a helpless animal is so far beyond morally acceptable. 350 videos appear on YouTube when you search for animal + firecracker and none of them are remotely funny, unless you think its hysterical to see the right side of a German Shepard's face blown off. How do you Stuntify this situation and still get a laugh from your friends? Scare 'em and flare 'em! If one of your buddies brings out a snake, a mouse, or anything else that is breathing, tell him you have a better idea (note: this will take a group effort and potential violence to said buddy). Do what you have to do in order to get this animal-hater duct taped to a tree. Insert fireworks into his pockets and tie a long wick that is approximately five feet long. Have the entire party come watch as you light the wick and said animal-hater wets himself and pleads for mercy. When the tears roll down his cheeks or when there is a foot left of wick let, whichever comes first, everyone sprays pre-shook up beers cans in the animal-hater's direction. Hopefully, this puts out the wick in time. Worse-case scenario, you've taught animal-hater a much needed life lesson.

Actually, since we are on the subject of mistakes, perhaps our Top 5 list of things not do to with fireworks should actually be the Top 4, since one of us StuntDads lost a thumb in 1984?

P.S. Sparklers are for chicks

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Stunt Dad's Guide to Being Forgotten on Father's Day

The Human Pancake

Give us the tired, the poor, the forgotten dads yearning to be remembered.
As we near the end of another Father's Day, we would be remiss to think that every spouse and child(ren) remembered the one day devoted to all of the dads out there. Out of the +70 millions dads in the US alone, we would like to send a quick shout out to those who've been left hanging today.  Even if you're a deadbeat dad who was dissed by your wife and/or child(ren), we're here for ya. Even if you're a duped dad whose wife "had a business meeting" and child(ren) "had to study for a test", we've got your back. And even if you're a divorced dad whose ex has moved on and your child(ren) haven't spoken to you in months, look no further.

On the busiest day for collect calls (yep, everyone is apparently more cheap with Dad than anyone else), Stunt Dad opens its doors for those who need to vent, rant, scathe, yell, whine, whimper, cry, or scream at the one(s) who've disrespected you. Think you're wife would shrug off you forgetting Mother's Day? Think your child(ren) would understand if you forgot their birthday? Of course not.

Here your is opportunity to get even. Don't worry, these ideas won't get you arrested—you'll likely just go without sex or a birthday gift for another decade or so, but, chances are pretty high that you weren't getting much of anything in the first place if Father's Day goes unnoticed by those closest to you.

Top 5 Daddy's Day Revenge Tactics:

1. Throw on a black tank top, and just as your wife or child takes a chug from the carton of milk, you go in for the kill. 
2. Give your wife or child an unloaded handgun, grab a pack of Black Cat fireworks, sneak behind them, and light the match
3. Grab the baking powder, find the hair dryer, and start dumping and dumping and dumping.
4. Assemble a pot of egg yolks, a bag of flour, and some maple syrup, and when your wife or child is sleeping, turn 'em into a pancake.
5. Gather the necessary Darth Vadar items, wait until the wee hours of the night, and target your wife or child with the ultimate Revenge of the Sith (feel free to edit what you say as you feel its appropriate). 

Immature? You bet. Childish? Perhaps. Juvenile? Probably. But, anyone of the these five revenge tactics will guarantee 3 things: 1) you'll stay out of jail,  2) have a great laugh, and 3) ensure that Father's Day becomes the most popular holiday in your household for the rest of your life.

Happy Father's Day, Stunt Dad Nation. 

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David Pogue Goes Hunting the Elements And Makes The Best Chemistry Video for Kids

David Pogue Goes Hunting the Elements And Makes The Best Chemistry Video for Kids:

Here is one way to make sure your kids don't grow up thinking the elements are dirt and water, or worse, cars made by Honda. It's also a sly way to catch up on the science you forgot decades ago.

Click here to check out Hunting the Elements on Amazon Pin It Now!

Be a Better Kisser

Be a Better Kisser: K, we know you don't need any help, but we gotta posting quota to meet. Pin It Now!

You know you are a parent when...

1. You tell your boss you have to go potty.
2. You turn down back stage passes for sleep.
3. You can actually name all 4 million Thomas the Tank Engine characters.
4. Your matching skills have been reduced to accepting the notion that one black sock and one blue sock are indeed close enough to match. And you agree socks are an acceptable substitute for mittens.
5. Folding laundry is no longer considered a chore, but a long lost luxury.
6. You introduce yourself to a new co-worker as Billy's dad.
7. You know better not to push an elevator button in the presence of a child. You instead ask them to push it for you.
8. You threaten to put a perfect stranger in time out.
9. You fully understand that the people who organize grocery stores are evil SOBs.
10. Your happiest moment is a hug. Pin It Now!

Kick Ass tree house

The Swedes are selling it as some kind of adult retreat. But I say this is the way to ensure your treehouse is the best in town.

Check out this treehouse

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